The greatest difficulty in overcoming a form of physical lust is the seemingly infinite number of strongholds to which it may attach. We have done men a great disservice in employing a "one size fits all" approach to sexual purity: often a cocktail of prayer, self-control, and one-on-one accountability. Few men are surprised when the formula fails them, if for no other reason than it has failed so many.
Like any recurring, self-destructive sin (depression, substance abuse, self-harm, and the like), sexual sin can only be overcome at the root, or source, of its appeal. To attempt ridding our lives of a destructive behavior without identifying a cause or lie is akin to exterminating your house, while ignoring the block of cheese that serves as the dining table centerpiece.
We are often blind to these roots through our own distorted lens, and this makes sexual sin a fine tool for the enemy. Eradicating roots requires a willingness to address unresolved pain and the trust of those that provide discernment. Pursuing spiritual freedom with pride or distrust is useless, and ultimately frustrating for all parties involved. Prayer warriors and prophets must be able to simultaneously offer an environment of immunity while addressing the sin for what it is.
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I know this places me in the minority, and this may be met with skepticism, but I've never struggled with sexual sin while in a relationship. Honestly, this is nothing to boast of; at best, it provides insight into the root of my own sin. Lust is rarely a purely physical matter. Men with a relatively satisfying sex life are just as prone to sexual sin, and since I have never been sexually active, something else in my flesh is being gratified by the presence of a girlfriend that is not gratified in singlehood. Because it is not overtly sexual makes it no less alarming.
I was reminded of an essay I wrote in a coffeehouse journal, sometime around age 25. My life was ravaged by sexual sin at the time, as I was still grieving the loss of my first love. In the essay, I divulged what felt like a life of physical leprosy -- nobody wanted to be close to me. I recalled the 15+ years since anyone had said "I love you," and the single hug I received from my dad at my college graduation. Tears streaming down the journal page, I concluded that no child of God should be able to count the number of love expressions he had received.
This paralyzed my intimacy with God, because I coveted something tangible -- touchable -- to comfort me in my despair. People continued to move in and out of my life, and I felt pathetic for clinging to the only human approval I could find: teenagers. While camp directing, I would finish doing bed checks at night, and the campers would leave unsolicited letters of love and appreciation on the porch. I would take my youth to conferences, and random girls in front of me would turn around to compliment my voice during worship. Satan tried to prey on my inadequacy at the expense of my Lord's glory, which made me immediately uncomfortable for receiving any praise. I would stand in silence for the remainder of the worship set.
Dealing with the conflict -- serving God in word and deed, but secretly harboring an envy for affection -- nurtured a lustful heart. Occasionally a woman would fall for me (more likely, my words), and my entire life would revolve around maintaining her impression. My demeanor turned ugly at the first sign of doubt, because I had placed my heart and hope in her hands and still faced rejection. This was a most unfair and unloving expectation, but I must have known that these women served as a more suitable replacement to my sin, because I feared the effects of being alone.
Where does this leave me, and what must be revealed? I catch my eyes wandering again for attention in this prolonged season, and I know it has little to do with sex, if that's possible to believe. God continually grants me the grace of theoretical wisdom, and has commissioned me to reconcile the enmity between men and women. But how can I help but disqualify myself from His service when the enemy relentlessly questions my motivations? Why must he corrupt even the purity and credibility that God has seen fit to offer me?
Unaware of my physical innocence, a female co-worker once grabbed my hand as a romantic song was playing, purely as a joke. She dropped it immediately when thousands of lightning bolts sparked in response to simple touch. She looked at me and exclaimed, "Wow, what was that?!?" I just nodded softly and acknowledged, "I know." My flesh continues to crave the tangible, even when my heart is right. How does one intending to serve God alone find spiritual healing while enduring a physical leprosy?
Truth is welcomed.
1 comment:
You know, I came back to read this background to your recent post. And it just makes me want to hug you. I’m really sorry that you haven’t been graced with marriage for the time being, as it seems to cause you such great distress. But I’m grateful for the time it makes available for the rest of us who have been graced with your friendship in this time, which would never have happened if you’d been married when you came back to the area. I’m grateful for the inspiration you provide. Anthony, you are a beautiful wonderful child of the risen King, a prince of light expertly wielding a saber of truth. Maybe they were just kids at camp, sure, but there’s a reason they adored you. And maybe it was the mascot for a lot of them. But I tend to believe that your heart pierces through the mascot. And someone once told me that kids have an incredible BS-detector, and Anthony, none can be found in you. That’s what they love. And your heart behind it is true. You don’t need BS because you genuinely have a pure heart subject to righteous thinking.
I really like the mascots, by the way. You’re easy to get along with, you’ve got great manners, you include new people, you open them up with conversation. But that’s not what kept me coming back over the years. That’s not why I’d spend an evening at camp just to talk to you for 15 minutes, just cuz you were cool. No, I think it has something to do with reality. I think that is the real draw. You represent reality. No BS. Even though you were regularly entertaining, people can see beyond that and know that you offer a chance to encounter entertainment-free-reality. You are willing to engage the truths that I see in the scripture countering what everyone around me is living. I know you will authentically engage. That is why the people that love you love you. And why most people can’t handle you. It’s not you they’re rejecting – it’s themselves. They’re scared spitless that if you stick around, they will have to engage the inconsistencies in their lives. It’s a rare person/woman who’s willing to fully encounter who she is, who God wants her to be, and how the two reconcile.
It’s mind-boggling to me that someone as amazing as yourself would feel like a leper. I always thought you were so cool & popular that I’ve been amazed you have time to answer my calls and I feel totally honored to still be friends with the great TWAN.
I do hope you find love. In the meantime, I guess this is just one more unsolicited note of appreciation on your porch to help pass the time until that day.
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