when giving opposes grace

My 45-year-old co-worker continued the description of her new boyfriend.

“You know how there’s a giver and taker in every relationship?”

I had only been half-listening, but my spiritual lie antennae suddenly perked to receptivity.

“We were both in marriages where we were the givers, and its different being on the receiving end.”

Hmm…this was of interest. I myself had been rejected by a couple female “givers” that had found a mutual giving to be unattractive. I didn’t think that my co-worker was on to something true, but I was curious to understand her common line of thought. What did she mean by different?

“It can be uncomfortable. I mean, it’s strange, there’s something about women that innately wants to be taken care of, but I think most women learn how to push it away. The younger women ignore that it’s there at all. With my ex, we did what he wanted every time, and I made sure that it happened. I stayed in the marriage until our kids were older, but I was never happy.”

Continually giving without receiving made my co-worker‘s marriage unfulfilling, but she chalks this up to the natural order of relationships: one giver, one taker.

“Like the other day, he took me to Olive Garden and insisted on paying. I like that he’s different than other guys, but I’ve already learned how to take care of myself. And I’ve learned what is required to take care of everyone else.”

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I encourage her to stick it out, but my own frustrations have been lit. Why are sacrificial women so prone to abuse?

Again, pride creeps into our lives in funny ways. As soon as we have “humbled” ourselves such that we see our lives as nothing, we are drawn to the people who affirm our insignificance and offer nothing for our service. Our “humility” becomes an identity. And like any identity apart from I AM, it is saturated with pride.

She knows he’s a deadbeat, but it only magnifies her strength. She has endured his verbal beatings, and each day is a new challenge to be one step ahead. Maybe, if she achieves perfection today, he will be silenced for good, and she will have won.

But she never does. He always finds something. She’s working fifty hours, watching the kids, cleaning, and cooking, but it is never enough. She has failed him again, and he will make sure that she knows it.

At greater risk is what this says about her God. He too has asked for her entirety, and she never quite measures up. She hears the sermons about love and grace, and she claims them with a prayer. She denies them with her misconception. She wears her faith boldly, worships with abandon, and maintains a purity of speech and femininity. But unlike the man at home, He is not grading her effort. He would hold and comfort her if she would be still. Instead, He watches her dance, as if He purchased a ticket to watch His own creation perform.

But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)