My enemy longs for me to corrupt love, viewing my "selflessness" as a transaction for receiving love, which is contrary to the point. Honestly, it hasn't worked out very well. Whenever the people in my life outgrow their need of me, multiple dysfunctions can occur:
- I struggle to maintain the relationship, favoring my time towards those that still depend on me.
- I feel insecure in their presence, wondering what I have to offer.
- I become envious of relationships they are able to continue with others.
- I expect abandonment and begin to emotionally distance myself.
- I play the victim when the relationship ends.
At the heart of this dysfunction is pride. If I allowed myself to need other people (or felt worthy of being wanted), it wouldn't concern me whether these relationships were dependent on my usefulness. If my pride was broken, and I expressed to loved ones that they are needed, this would be a brand new experience. Have I used these words since I was a toddler? Scary thought.
I've felt that my intimacy with God has been lacking, and I recognize that this lie has crept into our relationship. When God has me on a "useful" altar of sacrifice, I can rely on Him to do the work. In my mind, the transaction is equal -- I'm willing to provide the useful vessel and He uses it. In some twisted way, I operate as if God's move is dependent on me.
However, when God has me on the sidelines, I struggle to admit my need. That's where He has me. The transaction is out the window. Either I depend on Him to be my everything or I am left with nothing.
4 comments:
It's so good you're at least able to recognize your dysfunction in this area of love. That's always the first step that God begins to use to transform us. My Mom a similar need to be needed- it's almost like an addiction at times. As one of her children who is more independent she falls into the lie that I don't love her because I don't need her, when the opposite is actually true. I love her very much but I don't want her always doing for me out of duty, I just want her to love me, spend time with me, etc. I don't need her to be my Savior and pay my rent, but I have a sister who does need her to do that- therefore we have a great dysfunction- especially as these needs in my sister has caused an enabling by my mom.
Thank you for speaking of this truth in your life. I pray that as the Lord continues to reveal His love to you, you will find that He is perfect in His loving. He doesn't just "use" you, but He selflessly loves you no matter what.
One of the greatest revelations I've had has been that "there is nothing you can do to make Him live you more, there is nothing you can do to make Him live you less, He loves you because He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you, because that is His nature, God is love."
Its so hard understanding that because it's so hard to actually see that in real life, but that is what He would truly desire in a marriage as well.
(thanks for helping me think through some of this)
**those "lives" are supposed to say "loves" sorry, I'm typing on my phone :)
Strangely, it's not so much that I have a need to be needed. Unlike what you describe with your mom, I do a pretty good job of letting go (if not too good). I've never encouraged anyone's dependence on me. Rather, I think it's the natural result of not wanting to be in need myself -- if I personally dismiss those through whom I would benefit, I'm only left with one-sided relationships.
I do agree that this is my issue with God and with marriage. I already described my transactional "intimacy" with God, but I've also never had success pursuing the kind of woman that I need. Part of it is my pride -- if I present myself as one without needs, she's not going to be interested in serving me. The other half is that spiritually mature women are more likely to decide that they don't need to marry at all.
Since I'm not attracted to women that want me to be their "savior," I'm left to chance: that one independent person would mutually need another independent person. This probability does not appear to be high. The best I can figure, if I'm going to get married, He's going to have to break my future wife's pride simultaneously with mine. :)
"The other half is that spiritually mature women are more likely to decide that they don't need to marry at all."
This is a lie.
There are many spiritually mature women who come to the conclusion that they can live with and for Christ alone, BUT I have never met a single woman who does not deep down in her heart have a desire to become one with a husband.
Honestly, as a woman who desires to be completely satisfied in her maker it makes me furious as my heart continues to long for a man and love on this earth. I know He is all I need, but I can't stop these desires.
I don't think it would be too hard for the Lord to "break you future wife's pride simultaneously with yours." He's good like that, and perhaps that is why the wait will be so worth it.
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