#3 -- a love distorted

I was first introduced to Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages during an evangelism training session in college. I didn't give it much thought -- why would I need to explore how I love? Most of Chapman's material deals with our interactions with others; when we understand our own needs and the way in which we communicate love to others, we can eliminate the misunderstandings that occur when we do not receive exactly how we would give. Or we can learn to give in other ways if this is how our loved ones better receive.

Supposedly. The misunderstanding has not ceased.

For those not familiar with the terminology, Chapman identifies the following "love languages," arguing that most will enjoy each to some degree, but speak primarily through one:

• words of affirmation
• quality time
• receiving gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

I still enjoy physical touch, and I faintly remember being a touchy, feely child (I know, right?), but my family sort of beat it out of me. Words of affirmation are nice, but compliments usually travel as far as the end of the sentence. I'm fairly independent; I acknowledge that I don't appreciate acts of service like I should. Gift-giving? I have a few amazing gift-giving friends, so I've had to muster enthusiasm at receiving more things. In fact, the gifts I adore are those that my loved ones made with their own hands, and I don't think it has anything to do with the gift-giving. It has much more to do with...

Time. Sweet, sweet time. I give it, I crave it, and there's never enough of it. It can be spent spiritually, socially, playfully, lazily, or affectionately, and if it is spent with me or spent for you, I'm on top of the world. I was the youth pastor that attended every volleyball game, Christmas concert, musical, speech, and graduation party. I preferred visiting a 7th grade lunch table to preaching a powerful sermon.

I enjoy spending hours of my time writing thoughtful or challenging comments for y'all bloggers. I'm regularly willing to drive hours to see someone, if I could presume that they wanted to see me. I once "wasted" gas to drive to central Illinois for a 12-minute cross country meet, because I knew it would mean something to the runner. For those that understand, offering my time can be a powerful and loving ministry.

But not always. One of my core students (whom I consequently visited the most) allegedly left our ministry because I didn't affirm her enough verbally: a strength of my predecessor. She missed the heart that I was trying to offer, and I missed what she needed to feel loved.

What does this have to do with guarding my heart?

Like that student, I expect others to be cognizant of the "signs" they reveal when they neglect my love language. 99% of the time, when my friends cancel plans, answer the phone mid-conversation, or God forbid...go to bed, they have perfectly legitimate reasons for doing so. Yet somewhere in the back of my mind, I consider the remote possibility that they don't like me as much. I'm much too proud to say something about it, so everything is cool until the next time my time is cut short. It builds and builds until I believe that they've chosen to allocate their time in more valuable assets than me.

I respond to this lie in one of two ways:

1. I flood them with my time, pleading for them to recognize how valuable they are to me.
2. I distance myself, waiting for them to prove their love by dropping their other plans.

It's usually some combination of the two, which only makes me appear bipolar, thus perpetuating the problem and making time spent awkward and miserable.

Great googly moogly...how did I end up like my dad?!? I will now hide in a deep, dark cave.

Guarding my heart means allowing others to love me through other means and offering them the grace to value their time differently. It means loving selflessly, not intentionally flooding people with my time to fish for theirs (and getting upset, because it never works).

If there's one thing that can be consistently said about me, I'm painfully aware of my faults. I'm always looking for God to reveal more and further cleanse my heart. As I fight to guard my heart against the assumptions I've made about you, I would appreciate your grace and prayers. Keep on loving from His overflow and the confusion will dissipate in turn.

UPDATE (12/24): If ever I should consider myself a gift-giver, all I must do is wrap presents to expose the sheer incompetence of the hands God has given me.