fatherless and ashamed

Two residents at work "graduated" from our therapy program today. Until the kids are shuffled around campus, our unit will be down to five girls. Our unit caters to teenage females that struggle with self-harm and substance abuse. For many, we are the final stop for those being transitioned back to the care of their families.

Of the five that remain, each of them has experienced sexual and/or physical abuse at the hand of a male. None of them have two parents still together; only two have a dad in the picture at all, one of which is mentally ill. Three of them exhibit poor sexual boundaries with other females, and one has been actively living a homosexual lifestyle since age 14. The two identifying themselves as heterosexual have highly volatile relationships with their single mothers.

These are girls that most will never get a chance to know. The majority of their "mainstream" classmates know them as the class-clown, the expelled fighter, or the one who's locker was raided. They offer parents the luxury of distinguishing between the "good girl" and the "bad girl." To most, these girls have become their negative behavior.

I have to remind myself what a privilege it is to know the fragile girl behind the label, to be able to serve them. Yes, my primary job description is supervision and discipline, but this is not rewarding in itself. My day is better each time my words or concern make them smile. My work is a success each time the girls walk away from a conversation with a better understanding of what makes them do the things they do. As a personal reward, I am filled with joy when they recognize who I am to them.

One of my residents has an uncanny ability to say whatever comes to her mind. While this often gets her in trouble, I value the way she wears her heart in her sleeve. She enjoys poking at my seeming lack of fashion. She has made it her personal responsibility to correct my visual faux pas and educate me about girly stuff.

I exclaim, "Tell me what I'm looking at!" as she checks out her contraband, a large assortment of applicators for eyes, lashes, lips, etc. She always responds, "Even straight guys need to know this stuff, Mr. Marks! It'll help you impress some girl!" I express that she should be thankful I am so uneducated.

Yesterday morning we took a two mile walk along the riverfront, along with girls from two other units. My "fashionista" was walking with two girls that didn't know me; I stood directly behind them as we brought up the rear of the group. Their conversation turned to a less than savory topic, and one of the girls quickly nudged my resident, trying to quiet her down. She boasted confidently, "Mr. W doesn't care!" The other girl gazed at her intently and whispered, "That's not Mr. W." My resident turned around with a mortified expression and yelled, "Mr. Marks!!!" She says that my eyes make her feel guilty.

One of my former residents didn't like to act up in front of me. She would throw huge tantrums when I was off the unit, and when I returned from an errand she would yell, "Get Mr. Marks out of here! I don't want him here!" It wasn't that she couldn't physically act shameful in front of me; she didn't want me to see her like that.

I have learned that no woman, young or old, wants to be shamed in front of a man that they respect. This may explain the plight of the fatherless world: with few respectable men comes a variety of shameful actions. I don't mean to imply that a teenager with a loving father is incapable of making bad choices. But they are more likely to make these choices in the darkness, where they do not have to gaze into their father's eyes to see his disappointment.

But a true father offers more than just disappointment over their daughters shame. They also demonstrate the compassion that can only be known in a father's love. They will do anything to protect their little girl, and it may come across a little neurotic at times. They will assume the strain of the relationship if it means that their daughter is safe.

It's probably no surprise that my residents (like many teenagers today) place a lot of emotional effort in hiding their shame. If they believe that nobody is concerned enough to be disappointed with their negative behavior, nothing is off limits. They bury themselves with a laundry list of destructive behaviors that they can't take back, and all they really want is a man that will accept them in their shame.

This is why the Gospel is so redemptive for fatherless girls. Our Heavenly Father does not express his disappointment for the sake of compounding guilt, but because He wants to protect them in His loving arms. His grace and compassion are the only remedy for the shame of sin, and there is no sin beyond its reach. For fatherless girls to find redemption in their Heavenly Father, they must know that He has all authority (and intent) to remove their shame. I challenge all of us to remember this the next time we label the "girl gone wrong."