Back when I was writing five notes a week on my Facebook site, God had placed on my heart the discussion of typical “gender study” topics for the sake of restoring the generally poor relationship between male and female. While anything healthy I had to offer was through His grace to use me as an instrument of truth, these discussions gathered quite the following as single men and women shared their wisdom, trials, and misinterpretations for everyone to see.
As a result, I had been asked to come speak at a multi-church spring break youth camp and help organize breakouts with the teens. While I was initially drawn to what looked like a promising opportunity, I became disappointed when the youth leaders decided during planning sessions to implement the conventional church tactic of divide and conquer: girls in one room, boys in the other. After explaining to my go-between that the effectiveness of my ministry is inherently through its inclusive nature, I later declined the engagement. It was explained that the leaders would all feel more “comfortable” if the breakouts were separate.
This may be a cynical view on the well-established institution of men’s and women’s ministries: more often than not, I feel that their exclusivity perpetuate the marriage covenant’s lack of communication, a deficiency established prior to the wedding. I remember cringing at the number of middle-aged women that shared their husband’s deficiencies with one another while gathering before a church service; I can only imagine what happens behind closed doors. I certainly support the idea of sisters in Christ meeting together to share in the encouragement of their femininity, but when women begin disparaging their husbands as dim-witted drones incapable of understanding, women’s ministry serves only as a pre-planned vent session. Liberating or not, this is sin. These conversations should be had first between husband and wife, second with the help of trusted parties with husband and wife present.
If men and women spent as much time communicating with one another as they did reading books and discussing the differences of gender among their own, we would probably have this junk aired out by now. Teenagers and college students are remarkably open to such discussions, but we inevitably separate them enough for the “security” of the private discussion, and they quickly learn to view gender relations as an uphill battle.
I would like to raise one question: if men understand men, and women understand women, what is to be gained through exclusive discussions at the hand of the most respected “expert” of our own gender? It does little for me to read a book about a woman’s true desires from a male psychologist or pastor, and a female author has no greater understanding of what makes a man tick. Sure, there’s a market for it. But we are relegated to gross assumptions about one another, even in our best attempts -- always a fantastic tool of the enemy, whether regarding race, age, or gender.
I had originally hoped that the blogging community would offer a greater opportunity for this discussion, but I find that men and women writing the most enlightened things about masculinity and femininity still target their own gender in the discussion. I can’t help but read these awesome discoveries and consider it a great loss that they are not being shared.
We cannot find shelter in the more comfortable format of preaching to the choir and continue to harbor complaints about the opposite sex. I believe that we lose the right to expect change in gender relationships if we are unwilling to express our hopes to the opposite sex. I recognize that I am a fallen human being, full of misconceptions about every individual different than myself. I acknowledge that these misconceptions can cause me to say ignorant or hurtful things, even when I intend otherwise. In my opinion, light is always better than darkness -- even when it blinds us. I don’t believe that gender should be an exception.
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