a year of emotional honesty

This Thanksgiving marks the unofficial anniversary of my return to Hoosier civilization. I arrived in the middle of October '09, but the initial transition of finding a job, an apartment, a social network, and getting settled mentally and physically, ended around the holiday.

Not surprisingly, this year has been hard. It has been difficult to sacrifice many of the benefits of my previous two years in St. Charles: the experiential knowledge of my restoration (and of the Spirit's work), the pleasure of a stress-free job that came naturally to me, the genuine admiration and respect of my co-workers (and the young ladies' willingness to accept my tough love), and the company of a body of believers willing to follow God to difficult places. I could have easily rested (or hid) in this environment, with little concern for my personal needs or anointing; my "selflessness" has historically been safer and more complacent than the sharing of myself, and it is typically better received.

While "death to self" is a relevant and necessary message for the church in every age, I used it as a mechanism for my own distance. If I did not regard my relationship needs as legitimate, then I would not feel. If I did not feel, then I could not hurt. Most people are so desperate to be heard that it was easy to function in this manner with few questions.

But God has been restoring this area of my life for such a time as this. The sensitivity and intensity flowing from my passionate heart are still crude and reckless. My romantic impulses are soured with experiences that lean towards self-preservation. Feeling has brought more trouble upon me than I had faced in eight years. If the Spirit was not transforming me nearer to the likeness of Christ, it would be logical to return to my shell.

It will be difficult not to consider this past year according to what I have lost, which has been plentiful. But I must praise Him, thankful of the blessings I have gained. I have lost a body in which I was granted influence, but have gained one that affirms my heart. I have lost the blind admiration of impressionable young ladies, but have gained the confidence and desire to love and lead a woman again. I lack the comfort of my coffee community, but have been re-introduced to a discarded group of teens, who find comfort in my willingness to show up every night.

I have laughed and cried, been honored and rejected, fallen in love and been disappointed, passionately preached and lamented, gained disciples and lost them...am I not better for pouring myself out before God and my brothers? The results are as mixed as the risk is great, but I am encouraged and thankful that God continues to affirm and renew my heart.