When God grants me every reason for praise, and I acknowledge the overwhelming blessings in my life, it is heartbreaking to consider the disaster that I am capable of when I am fixed on my own preservation. I will inevitably hurt myself and others. Where God sows commitment, I search for doubt. Where God demands grace and understanding, my kneejerk reaction is bitterness. For God to affirm my "humble" heart with a gift, and for me to respond with a display of arrogance and selfishness, is a tragedy.
I need to serve. I need to get on my hands and knees before the broken, because it is the only way to die to my own impulses. And as sure as friends will grade on a curve to tell me that I'm fine as I am, I will be able to expose one more self-inflicted wound. And I have no way to know where to turn from here, so I can only hope and pray that God does. I have to trust that this work of consecration is not finished; that he will not stop blessing me, even though I squander.
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