moving forward

A few weeks ago, I asked the question, "Is this growing up?" In light of my recent failures and disappointments, I am forced to look at this question through fogged eyes, but I am still responsible for how I respond to the sting of sin. I could easily mope about and contemplate all that is painful and just in my life, but at some point, it is time to ask for forgiveness and move forward.

One thing we learn from scripture is that the greatest men still faced consequences for their poor decisions. And since I will likely never be so strong as to have the faith of Abraham or the heart of David, it is more reasonable that I must also endure hardship in the process of becoming more like Christ, particularly when something fleshly presents itself.

I am thankful for these "big picture" reminders from my discipler. I am grateful for the grace and understanding of my mom, a woman who has humbly and steadfastly endured in love. And I cannot express how blessed I am to have my phone buzzing daily, with messages from my friends and church body, reminding me that I am covered in prayer during a difficult season. And while this support is amazing, it rests between God and I to grow in intimacy, and allow me to take responsibility for my behavior and accept His grace within a circumstance that is already determined.

Today, I was approved for my mortgage, and now must find a home that serves a purpose that God would have in store. Over the next couple of days, my spiritual brothers will be in need of my counsel, as inadequate as I feel right now. My girls at work will still be dealing with their abuse, and the lost will still look to me to demonstrate light. And I need to be emotionally honest enough to communicate how weak I feel, but also be willing to respond to His next step for my life. Like Abraham and David, my usefulness in the Father's eyes is for His pleasure and glory, and it is not my place to disqualify myself, even while I feel raw with rebuke. I must trust that God will redeem my poor decisions to bring me to His feet, and in turn, I would be fashioned as an instrument for righteousness again.