Sure, home is more than a location. I know plenty of geographically nomadic individuals that have found their sense of home, within a stable environment of family or community. However, if "home is where the heart is," my struggle has been identified. I long for nothing here that desires to entertain my heart, thus my heart is fixated alone on a Kingdom that often seems out of reach.
Periodically, this is what happens: I discover noble places to lend my heart, particularly when I discover the righteousness of God within it, but even the temporal things that I perceive to be blessings move in and out of my life like a steady ebb and flow. There is little stability in this; there is certainly not a home. And I can choose to position myself to the outskirts of these tides, for such a length that I enjoy the comfort of His shore, only to be thrust back into the ocean by an overpowering tidal wave -- very rarely a gentle brush upon the sand.
I dive, I surf, I sink, and promptly drown. I convince my rescuers that it didn't hurt so badly, and that they should also dive, all the while cuddled safely to the shore until the next violent crash sweeps me unwillingly. But why should they even tempt me? Do I so long to experience the heroic and epic end of Odysseus, that I would sacrifice my heart again and again? Seemingly in my story, Penelope has already claimed another suitor due to impatience; in its best version she has grown more comfortable with her current circumstance. Either way, I return to my empty crown, but certainly not a home.
If my heart is no less calloused than this by the sea, it does not require much reason to evaluate its lack of appeal. My only real use is upon the shore, and then, I am with Him in only mind and heart. When will He take me?
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A kindred spirit of mine, Rich Mullins stated this shortly before his death:
If God should use me, that would be great but if He doesn't there is a very interesting thing you can do. In the gospel of Mark or in any of the four gospels, you go through the gospels and you say, what people are absolutely essential to this story?
So Mary is essential to the story because Mary had to give birth to Jesus. And you could say, well someone else could have. But lets say that if she wouldn't have done it then the story wouldn't have happened. So, you have God who chose to become flesh, you have Mary who gave Him flesh, you have Jesus who was God in the flesh or who was the child of Mary and God, you have Pontius Pilate who had, in an artificial sense, the power to kill Christ, you have Judas Iscariot who betrayed Christ and handed him over to the bad guys, you have whoever it was that nailed Him up to the cross.
Out of those people that God used to accomplish His will in the gospel, only a couple of them were very nice people. Most of them were bad people. We all want to be useful to God. Well, its no big deal. God can use anybody. God used Nebuchadnezzar. God used Judas Iscariot.
Its not a big deal to be used by God and the shocking thing in the book of Mark, and the reason why it is so shocking is because Mark is the briefest of all the gospels but he has these terrific little details and one of the little details is that it says, "and Jesus called to Him those that He wanted." And you realize that out of the twelve people that He wanted, only one was essential to His goal in coming to earth. The other eleven people were useless to Christ but they were wanted by Christ. And I kind of go, I would much rather have God want me than have God use me.
In light of this, my circumstances seem much less complicated. If scripture is true, and Christ does call to Him those that He wants, I am naturally offering the comfort of home for the only one who has ever wanted me: the one who chose me, predestined me to be adopted, redeemed me, lavished upon me the mystery of His will, included me, and branded me with His Spirit (Eph. 1:3-14)...why would I ever look elsewhere for companionship?
Why, indeed! I am fine in desperate longing for His presence until I identify someone of His that would choose me as well. Like human nature, and not unlike the call of Christ himself, I chase love where it presents itself willing to be chased -- those who follow, even knowing the cross I bear. I find blessing in this time...until they have would have it no longer. And I seriously don't know what to do with this any longer.
Therefore, I understand why I choose Christ. He has beckoned me since my creation to be called His son. But to bear the same heart as His and choose others? I am by comparison such a petty blessing to cast aside, so I can only imagine how his heart must ache for those that deny Him.
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