continuing to search for resolution

Three months ago (boy, does time fly), I wrote about the circumstantial link to my own struggle with lust, and closed the post without a helpful conclusion. I proposed that the greatest difficulty in discovering the key to sexual purity is that lustful thoughts and actions attach themselves to so many root issues. To cleanse ourselves of the iniquity of sexual sin, we must identify and renounce the lie or corruption that serves as its catalyst.

I'm not sure how much more I understand today than I did in May. Too often, I still try to fight the battle for my mind through flesh and blood. There is no doubt that the Lord owns my heart; it is the corruption of His desires that leads me to fulfill them in my own poor strength.

I mentioned in the previous post that I have never struggled through this battle while in a relationship, which leads me to believe that its root is all about security. Since my personality and gifting does not find security in location, finance, or occupation, I have attached this need to the women in my life. When I am single, I lack any form of physical security, and my wandering eyes attempt to guide me to the security I desire. Whether the fleshly pursuit of a "prime mate" is innate or not is of little importance. Regardless of biology, I am trying to find in a woman the security meant to be found in Him.

This summer has been challenging, because God has increasingly taken so much from me that I am forced to my knees. What He has given me has only kept me there longer. He has asked me to be a shield and a spiritual leader to the women in my life, and I am to presume nothing more. The romantic heart I have been given is only to protect these beautiful hearts and not for the sake of my own claim. As I am left unsatisfied in my own pull for affection, God is raising the expectation for intimacy with Him.

This has not come void of Satan's attacks. I am periodically fed the lie that God owes me something physical in return for my obedience, and God has not promised this gratification of my flesh. He has promised (and fulfilled) His continual presence. I haven't stopped pleading with God for human affection, but I also acknowledge that His fulfillment of my desire for a wife will not come superficially. My best looking days are behind me, and I cannot hope to draw a woman with my former charms. I can only accept a companion that seeks Him intimately with me, because our lives will serve nothing else.

From my experiences, I am skeptical. I am suspicious of the idea that any woman would give up her own superficial standard to serve the Lord with me -- I am suspicious because I have always upheld my own. And if she is to love my heart solely because of the Spirit within me and my love for Jesus, there will always be better men that will demonstrate the same. To trust that God has any woman in mind is an impossible task without an unprecedented faith, and while that faith is growing with each day on my face, my belief is still short of His promises. Maybe it always will be, and I must hope that His grace is sufficient to compensate for my doubt.

For now, my frustrations are connected to the expectations I place on the Lord, of which He has not promised a time or place on the fulfillment of His promise. I cannot justify disappointment for receiving my reward in full: the appreciation and respect of wonderful women that are gracious for my act of obedient service. Receiving anything more would only be according to His divine and perfect will. I suspect that's the best I can ask from Him.