lullaby

Now when [Jesus] saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matt. 5:1-11)

Rejoice and be glad? Even as my prior actions have led me to be poor in spirit, meek, merciful...continually mourning, rejoicing has been the toughest act of obedience. And if we look at the beatitudes, all of these "blessed" ones are demonstrating a state of being. I can not try to be poor in spirit anymore than I can will myself to be pure in heart. These postures are reflections of Christ within us and the pursuit of Him.

But rejoicing necessitates a choice. I can continually mourn that the state of my flesh has shattered, or that the world rejects the things of God, but Jesus is not asking me to rejoice in the brokenness. He would have me take joy in the reward, which is His kingdom -- more specifically, the realm through which I see and know my Father. I lived the first 19 years of my life "happily," and today I struggle to understand how I even rested at night without His presence. Can our lives really become so cluttered that we are unaware of the gaping void in our heart?

This is where I return to my message on the common things. We learn to comfort ourselves with many things that make us happy: entertainment, sexuality, travel, recreational vehicles, home ownership, and the like. None of these are wrong within their proper place, and I long for a couple of them myself. But every piece of my heart that is filled with the comfort of the common things leaves that much less room for His Spirit to dwell. We may not notice the void when our hearts are comforted, but what of worth have we inherited?

I went to Steak n' Shake last night for my own personal comfort: a way to burn time while enduring a night in the battle. Even there, He found me. Four young men (if I should refer to them as such) were harassing an already overwhelmed waitress. The one woman with them was repeatedly being talked down to, and a couple of them casually referred to her with the b-word.

They went out to get a smoke, and the waitress came to attend to me. Having been waited on by her before, I knew that she struggled to do her job well. She sat across from me with exhaustion, and I said, "Take your time; I've got all night." Immediately, a tired smile of relief rested across her face -- she thanked me, and proceeded to do a fantastic job, despite the disrespect of the other party. I left her with a hefty tip, and drove back home.

Is this my life? Is this in what I should be rejoicing? Christ and His disciples regularly interacted with the broken, and ministered to them with joy and compassion. While a good part of my ministry will be mourning in intercession for those God brings my way, I must also learn to rejoice in the privilege of serving in His courts. During my drive home, I reflected upon the dichotomy between life before and after my ruining. I found truth in the words of a song that has often brought me to a place of rest before the Lord:

With eyes so blind
How did I see a single thing?
I missed the scenery
Change in front of me

And as for these hands
Well they've got a lot to answer for
They built me a house of sand
On someone else's land

Deep down I knew I was lost
But I kept my fingers crossed
As if that would somehow rescue me

How did I sleep?
How did I sleep?
How did I sleep?
Without You, without You

Tired all the time
But there is no rest for the wicked
Under the covers I
Pretended not to cry

And there You were
Magnified by the tears
Reaching Your hands to me
Waiting patiently

I never dared to dream
Of the morning my eyes have seen
Awake for the first time: rise and shine

How did I sleep?
How did I sleep?
How did I sleep?
Without You, without You

"How Did I Sleep?" by Tree 63, from The Life and Times of Absolute Truth