Elder me would have pouted quietly, annoyed that others could be so inconsiderate.
In high school, I was editor of the student newspaper and the male lead in the spring musical. I served as junior class vice-president and senior class president in college, primarily because I figured I could get things done.
Somewhere between my college graduation and the fateful day I left for K.C. I lost my ambition to lead. Worse, I’ve been afraid to lead others with something to lose. Perhaps elder me sees the hypocrisy in first grade Anthony and wants no part in it. Conceivably, youthful me had such little concern for others that he didn’t mind walking off a cliff, so long as the crowd was following. I’ve never been intentionally selfish, so it’s more likely in between -- this present trepidation was birthed at some hazy hour in my twenties.
Here’s the deal: I still don’t mind walking off the cliff. Through my leaderless years, I’ve done some crazy things in the name of my Lord. With no intended offense, I don’t want you coming with me. I’m sure it would be great for you, but I don’t want to bear the responsibility…
- “Why did we go here?”
- “I can’t ask that of my wife and children.”
- “I wish we had stayed put.”
- “Where do we go next?”
- “Do you even know what you‘re doing?”
Most of the time.
The nagging truth is that people look to me to shush the crowd, despite my resistance. In a spirit-filled moment, I have no qualms with being the leader everyone expects. On this side of heaven, earth binds me to this flesh and it wants no part of leading. It wants to respond to crazy whims and dreams without the burden of others getting hurt. It will sacrifice itself, so long as it is fruitless for the Kingdom.
My friend told me earlier this week that it hurts him… kind of feels like damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I lead, I fear hurting him. If I don’t, I do the very thing I fear. One is based in truth and one in a lie. If the answer is obvious, why does it make it appear cloudy?
Which holds me more responsible: leading you into spiritual ruin (at risk of losing mother, father, wife, husband, child) or living my faith in vain, in full knowledge of what you lack?
As God’s fellow workers we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For he says,
“In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.”
I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.
We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience, and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. (2 Cor. 6:1-10)
3 comments:
You raise a lot of hard questions. I guess the only thing I can think is that Moses had the same reluctance yet he was obedient to God and for that the Bible says that there was no man as humble as he. Maybe your thoughtfulness in bringing up these feelings is the very reason why God calls you to lead--because you are a true leader. The proud, bullheaded man marches straight off the cliff and feels good about it because he does not understand. Even Jesus asked for His cup to pass, and yet He was obedient--even unto death.
I hope this isn't too far off track of what you were trying to express. I just thought of this as I read. Take heart! And never veer your path for anyone but God alone.
Thanks for your words.
I had a chance to talk to my discipler tonight; he thinks a good deal of my hesitation is exercised in good discernment. I guess it's easy for me to search for flaws in my leadership, when maybe God is protecting me and potential followers, preventing me from asking the wrong person to jump. The sucky thing about leading is that I never get to choose who comes along for the ride.
When I'm discouraged, my immediate thought is how nice it would be to live a "normal" life, where people don't expect me to show them where to go -- I could retreat to some isolated locale, marry a low-maintenance gal that doesn't challenge me, work my 40 hours and feel good about my effort.
Rather, Christ has given me a cup to bear and a cross to carry. And honestly, my Creator knows that my little pipe dream wouldn't gratify my spirit, because He's decided He wants me. And that's CRAZY, because I've never felt wanted in my life. Useful and intelligent, yes... but never one that someone couldn't do without. It's hard for me to perceive what that looks like; I can't wrap my brain around God choosing me just because He wanted. It forces every other life decision to be filtered within this truth, because I know I should treat it as a privilege.
I don't get to date around; I have to call my interests all-in. I don't get to be offended; I have to forfeit my perceived rights. I don't get to ignore the hurting; I have to address the pain that blinds true beauty. This places me at odds with the world, but it was Him that wanted me and not them. I'd be a fool not to honor that, right?
Anthony – The call to go “all-in” was already given by Jesus.
"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it.”
The Leader’s job is to live in such a way that others will see this in their lives. It is then their job to equip others for the works of service, to the building up of the body of Christ.
You proclaim the Gospel which begins with "If anyone wishes to come after Me (Jesus), he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me (Jesus).” You do this with your very life.
The only Gospel Jesus ever proclaims is one of self-denial, sacrificial living, and following the Holy Spirit. If someone asks or expects you to call them “all in” you must question their understanding of which leader they are following. A sacrificed life that is dead to the things of this world will stand out among this culture. Many will find your wisdom and dedication to be something they desire but we must go beyond ourselves to ground them in Jesus.
No one will miss their call because of you because their call does not come from you. I want you to rest in your uneasiness because it is likely spiritual discernment that they need to seek what really is blocking them from being all in since we know it is not a lack of being called by you.
You say “It wants to respond to crazy whims and dreams without the burden of others getting hurt.” Please be free from this burden. God told Moses to go and deliver His people. Moses should the way but never forced anyone to walk through the water. He was too busy doing his part. Follow the whims of the Lord and the dreams He places in your heart. Do not have fear for those who follow or choose not to follow. They are in the same hands as you – the very Hand of God.
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