My mind has been churning all day, so I'm certain to wear out my backspace key in an effort to communicate the goo. I'm finding this difficult. Over the past 24 hours, I have laughed, cried, prayed, hurt, found relief, sang (poorly), and praised... while keeping my cursing to a minimum. In fairness, Pandora offered a Ben Folds song that tempted my vengeance, and my flesh indulged in an ole'-fashioned shout. For that I apologize. The way I look at it, better in a coffeehouse kitchen apart from virgin ears. It's out of my system... I think.
Theme of the day: "God, I don't understand what you're doing."
At all. If somebody asked me to make sense of their spiritual predicament, my only response would be that God does what He wants.
[Notice how God is good enough to prevent my phone from ringing today?]
I don't mean this in a bad way. I'm suggesting that sometimes my walk with God is so confusing, hurtful, and seemingly unjust, that I can only conclude that He's in control and understands more than I do. And while I know this is true, it doesn't make the bewilderment less painful.
Immediately after praying last night, I quoted a nice verse from Psalm 18. I needed a nice verse. I needed to know that He isn't forsaking me and that He gives a lick when I feel like He has forsaken me.
Some bozo in St. Joseph, MO prophesied this psalm over me in March 2006, at the forefront of a journey leading me out of my cozy Christian life. If you're not familiar with the passage, I cherry-picked the most nurturing verse last night. His deliverance is the only part that doesn't terrify me. David wrote this after escaping Saul's army, and it's a war song:
“I love You, O LORD, my strength.”Right now, I feel like anything but a warrior. My discernment appears shot, and my blessings are quickly snatched. The alternative to being a warrior is being Satan's victim, and I don't want that either. Unless I'm both, which case God is allowing open season...
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death encompassed me,
And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.
The cords of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His hiding place, His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my stay.
He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness;
According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me.
For I have kept the ways of the LORD,
And have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all His ordinances were before me,
And I did not put away His statutes from me.
I was also blameless with Him,
And I kept myself from my iniquity.
Therefore the LORD has recompensed me according to my righteousness,
According to the cleanness of my hands in His eyes.
With the kind You show Yourself kind;
With the blameless You show Yourself blameless;
With the pure You show Yourself pure,
And with the crooked You show Yourself astute.
For You save an afflicted people,
But haughty eyes You abase.
For You light my lamp;
The LORD my God illumines my darkness.
For by You I can run upon a troop;
And by my God I can leap over a wall.
As for God, His way is blameless;
The word of the LORD is tried;
He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God,
The God who girds me with strength
And makes my way blameless?
He makes my feet like hinds’ feet,
And sets me upon my high places.
He trains my hands for battle,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of Your salvation,
And Your right hand upholds me;
And Your gentleness makes me great.
You enlarge my steps under me,
And my feet have not slipped.
I pursued my enemies and overtook them,
And I did not turn back until they were consumed.
I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;
They fell under my feet.
For You have girded me with strength for battle;
You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.
You have also made my enemies turn their backs to me,
And I destroyed those who hated me.
They cried for help, but there was none to save,
Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.
Then I beat them fine as the dust before the wind;
I emptied them out as the mire of the streets.
You have delivered me from the contentions of the people;
You have placed me as head of the nations;
A people whom I have not known serve me.
As soon as they hear, they obey me;
Foreigners submit to me.
Foreigners fade away,
And come trembling out of their fortresses.
The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock;
And exalted be the God of my salvation,
The God who executes vengeance for me,
And subdues peoples under me.
He delivers me from my enemies;
Surely You lift me above those who rise up against me;
You rescue me from the violent man.
Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Your name.
He gives great deliverance to His king,
And shows lovingkindness to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forever.
Then Job answered the LORD and said,*************************
“I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
‘Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.’
“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6)
My vicious circle reminds me of the scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray attempts to do everything perfectly to gain Andie McDowell's favor, yet always discovers a new way to sabotage himself. Each day he wakes with a fresh start -- each day ends with the same result. Inevitably, Murray finds that he cannot control factors of will. He cannot coerce McDowell to respond a particular way to his advances, thus his motivations are exposed when his progress is thwarted.
I feel that my intentions are pure, but this does not impose upon God a response. Should He deliberately expose me to Satan's attacks for the sake of demonstrating my blamelessness, I don't get a say in that. Faith alone is my only consolation. Subject to the accusation of his wife and friends, Job had to rest in his own conscience. I can't imagine the trail of doubt and confusion that must have left. Faith was exhibited through his actions, but it didn't leave his mind impervious to Satan's schemes.
This is the best I can expect of myself. The appropriate way to honor God is to demonstrate faith and allegiance, in spite of my pain. Does this guarantee eventual relief from the fight? Only if He chooses. Scripture promises that He will be present and strong in the battle when I take refuge in Him. Should His Presence be the only peace and blessing I'm allowed in this life, will I continue to remain clean?
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