Ever had a moment so defining that life could never return to its prior state, no matter how much truth is shed? Ten years ago this month, my inclination towards optimism was shattered. Sent on a tailspin of poetry writing, prehistoric blogging, and Bebo Norman (hah!), my first heartache forced me to face my fleshly idols and fears. I didn't like it one bit.
Initially, my relationships took the most direct hit. I didn't want to grow close to people, and I drowned my time with ministry. Over the next four years, I spent nearly every hour with teenagers... aside from the occasional video game session with my roommates.
I learned the art of serving in the flesh. Camp and church were more than happy to raise me on a pedestal, and the idol of romance was scratched through a different audience. I didn't consider dating much; Kelly Clarkson became the ideal woman, mostly because she wasn't real.
The problem with masking the issue is that it begs to be unveiled. After dealing with the pain associated with my loss, I still fought the rebuilding of me. My experience -- not my pain -- had developed my pessimism; seemingly, experience alone could redeem the optimistic imagination of my youth. I found this akin to mistaking the color blue for red. Regardless of what others perceive, how do I trick my brain into identifying a different color than one seen, though through a tainted lens?
It requires more than a mantra. Many mornings I've awaken to the chirp of birds and vowed to make a change, as if I can convince myself that the world would be less cruel. Not surprisingly, my connotation of justice is skewed.
By God's hand or my own stubbornness, I've floundered in the wilderness, searching for my own childish imagination. Faith is not far from this place. Grasping in the wind brings me no closer, because only His Spirit refreshes my soul. He's ruined me to find solace in His courts and romance in His grace. Should I find a similar appeal in this world and life, it won't be through these hands.
When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty. I never sat in the company of revelers, never made merry with them; I sat alone because your hand was on me and you had filled me with indignation. Why is my pain unending and my wound grievous and incurable? Will you be to me like a deceptive brook, like a spring that falls?
Therefore this is what the LORD says:
"If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me; if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be my spokesman. Let this people turn to you, but you must not turn to them. I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you but not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you," declares the LORD. (Jeremiah 15:6-20)
No comments:
Post a Comment