hello...my name is anthony, and i love children's entertainment

Back in 2002, I was working my first real job, and a friend of a friend offered to rent me a room in his house. Since he worked nights, I was able to spend my afternoons browsing the extensive package from his satellite dish. It wasn't long before I entered a rut; each day I would head home to prepare dinner while watching my favorite show on the planet:

Even Stevens.

Okay, perhaps it wasn't an epic piece of television, but I continued to spend a couple more hours flipping between Disney, Nickleodeon, PBS, and ABC Family, never to be discovered by those who would judge me for concerning myself with the antics of the Mowry twins.

The only difference between a 23-year-old and a 33-year-old single guy watching children's programming in the privacy of his own home is shame. It's gone. I don't care who knows. I didn't grow up on family-friendly entertainment, so I'm getting mine now.

Which brings me to the point of this post: I've previously mentioned that I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Lion King, or any of the remaining 90's animated blockbusters. I haven't watched a single Toy Story movie -- in fact, Finding Nemo is the only Pixar movie I've seen. Thus, I've decided to make up for lost time. Next time I have the impulse to watch a romantic comedy or a psych thriller, I'll head for the G or PG-rated section instead. This is the first New Year's Resolution of my life, if you want to call it that. It's the first December 17th Resolution you have ever known.

If I rent Tangled this Friday, it may just be a Festivus miracle.

nothing to do but write

I should've been asleep hours ago, but I'm still buzzing on the coffee I drank this afternoon. Not sure what's happening here; perhaps I've eaten too little.

We're supposed to find out before Christmas whether or not the residential agencies are successful in the courts. The state is making budget cuts that we feel have broken our mutual agreement from last year's settlement, and now a judge will decide if the state has breeched it. If we fail in this attempt, we can begin the appeal process, but not before the cuts go into effect.

Point being, at the end of the year, the likelihood that I lose my job could greatly increase.

In many ways, I'm hoping for that outcome. Yes, most days I'm good with the kids, but my job sort of reinforces the spiritual issues I'm working through with God (spending twelve hours a day neglecting my own needs). Earlier this week, I gave thanks to God when I considered how He's always provided for me. Since I was 15, I've never went longer than three weeks without a job. I've only interviewed for two jobs that I didn't get (both in youth ministry...because I wasn't married). I'm marketable in a variety of areas, I don't need a lot of money, and I enjoy the service industry, so I'm not concerned about it. Maybe I should be.

Yeah, two years is a long time for an apostle to plant His feet. When God gives me peace to leave, all that awaits is His timing and blessing.

chasing spiritual lies

During my latest blogging rounds, I was challenged by Laurel Anne on a lesson about love.

My enemy longs for me to corrupt love, viewing my "selflessness" as a transaction for receiving love, which is contrary to the point. Honestly, it hasn't worked out very well. Whenever the people in my life outgrow their need of me, multiple dysfunctions can occur:

1. I struggle to maintain the relationship, favoring my time towards those that still depend on me.
2. I feel insecure in their presence, wondering what I have to offer.
3. I become envious of relationships they are able to continue with others.
4. I expect abandonment and begin to emotionally distance myself.
5. I play the victim when the relationship ends.

At the heart of this dysfunction is pride. If I allowed myself to need other people (or felt worthy of being wanted), it wouldn't concern me whether these relationships were dependent on my usefulness. If my pride was broken, and I expressed to loved ones that they are needed, this would be a brand new experience. Have I used these words since I was a toddler? Scary thought.

I've felt that my intimacy with God has been lacking, and I recognize that this lie has crept into our relationship. When God has me on a "useful" altar of sacrifice, I can rely on Him to do the work. In my mind, the transaction is equal -- I'm willing to provide the useful vessel and He uses it. In some twisted way, I operate as if God's move is dependent on me.

However, when God has me on the sidelines, I struggle to admit my need. That's where He has me. The transaction is out the window. Either I depend on Him to be my everything or I am left with nothing.

getting softer by the year?

Two of the girls told me at dinner tonight that I was their "favorite staff." If they begin to call me "cool," I may as well turn in my badge.

aftermath of a divine appointment

Tonight, a friend introduced me to Bill and his wife Laney. I conversed until 2am with my new friends; we covered everything from the divisive nature of truth, to the building of God's kingdom, to faith, to marriage.

I must admit, the last topic has been a struggle this week. After reading some blogs that justify every reason I should expect to remain single, I asked some tough questions:

• If God has given me the desire to be a father of many, is it feasible to marry someone my own age? Is marrying younger reasonable or acceptable in this culture?
• Likewise, are there women who haven't spent the last ten years "getting their ducks in a row," so as to actually yield to the yoke that God has placed on my life?
• Would a 21st century woman choose to be led by me as her husband?

I'm hung up by Solomon's words. If "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Prov. 18:22)," then what is the man's responsibility in finding?

I've become increasingly convinced that the church has done men a disservice by promoting the idea that we must "wait" for a wife. I'm not saying that God doesn't prepare a season in which He releases and blesses us to pursue marriage, but rather that we have become so prone to distrusting our own motives that we do not diligently seek a wife as scripture suggests.

We sit on our hands waiting for her to be dropped from the sky while God is desiring our hearts to be so in tune with His that we know the peace of an honorable woman upon exposure to her heart. It requires no faith for me to marry the woman that God drops in my lap -- if He told me tomorrow who my wife was to be, we would be wed by the next day. Rather, I must trust that He has given me eyes to identify a righteous woman, solely because she reflects the glory of my Father.

I know that God is continuing that transformation; if it were up to my flesh, I would only marry a meek young virgin that had already laid herself before Him in ruin. While He may choose to bless me in that way, He also may bring peace to my heart through someone drastically different. I may be laughing like Sarah at the fulfillment of His plan, wondering why He chose such an unconventional method to fulfill the vision He placed on my heart...

like a caffeine I.V.

After years of raving about it, I finally purchased a Toddy Cold Brew System as a belated birthday gift from my parents. 'Tis the bachelor careworker's best ally against shift work!

three years

Three years ago, my church body embarked on a mission to reach the people of North St. Louis. A business plan was laid out, with a five-year plan for fulfilling this mission: a plan that was presumed to require over a million dollars to accomplish. A couple years shy of the proposal, the mission has seen each facet of the ministry come to fruition at a fraction of the cost. The missionaries have earned the favor of the impoverished community, they have brought hope to a commercially dead area of the city, and most importantly, they have done everything for Christ's honor and glory. There is no separation between the earthly function and the heavenly purpose of the ministry, for nothing is done that is useless to the building of His Kingdom.

I wanted to share this testimony from my discipler, because it demonstrates how much God will bless the ministry of those who fully submit to His eternal purposes, even here in the United States. I look forward to ministering with my brothers and sisters in St. Louis for years to come and seeing urban areas across the U.S. restored for His glory.