aftermath of a divine appointment

Tonight, a friend introduced me to Bill and his wife Laney. I conversed until 2am with my new friends; we covered everything from the divisive nature of truth, to the building of God's kingdom, to faith, to marriage.

I must admit, the last topic has been a struggle this week. After reading some blogs that justify every reason I should expect to remain single, I asked some tough questions:

• If God has given me the desire to be a father of many, is it feasible to marry someone my own age? Is marrying younger reasonable or acceptable in this culture?
• Likewise, are there women who haven't spent the last ten years "getting their ducks in a row," so as to actually yield to the yoke that God has placed on my life?
• Would a 21st century woman choose to be led by me as her husband?

I'm hung up by Solomon's words. If "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord (Prov. 18:22)," then what is the man's responsibility in finding?

I've become increasingly convinced that the church has done men a disservice by promoting the idea that we must "wait" for a wife. I'm not saying that God doesn't prepare a season in which He releases and blesses us to pursue marriage, but rather that we have become so prone to distrusting our own motives that we do not diligently seek a wife as scripture suggests.

We sit on our hands waiting for her to be dropped from the sky while God is desiring our hearts to be so in tune with His that we know the peace of an honorable woman upon exposure to her heart. It requires no faith for me to marry the woman that God drops in my lap -- if He told me tomorrow who my wife was to be, we would be wed by the next day. Rather, I must trust that He has given me eyes to identify a righteous woman, solely because she reflects the glory of my Father.

I know that God is continuing that transformation; if it were up to my flesh, I would only marry a meek young virgin that had already laid herself before Him in ruin. While He may choose to bless me in that way, He also may bring peace to my heart through someone drastically different. I may be laughing like Sarah at the fulfillment of His plan, wondering why He chose such an unconventional method to fulfill the vision He placed on my heart...

but a vessel

A symbolic testimony I assumed, presumed to be the man that showed you otherwise. When she and I locked arms, it would demonstrate to the rest that He was redeeming: none considered lost, broken, or impure. Alas, I aged, awaiting the unknown restoration; I traded my pleasure for an unseen hope. No longer a symbol -- no longer qualified. She sustains the privilege of youth while I father her alone: not a lover or romancer, but a guardian of her innocence. And I wonder, for whom am I her keeper? What man bears the blessing of my tears and scars? Who will take her away once I have lifted her and eradicated my use? I shouldn't covet at this stage; one glimpse in the mirror tells a truer story. A million daughters without an ally: my heart cries for justice and rests here alone.

desire and envy

The predominant thought on my mind this week:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.”

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:1-10)

I struggle to see things aside from what is black and white; how do I know the difference between the desires He places on my heart and those constructed through worldly motives?

As my work has consumed my emotional energy of late, I've noticed my desire for anything of my own has remarkably dwindled. This has occurred at least three times in my life -- when I offer myself solely to the needs of others, I no longer feel grief for what I lack. But I've yet to determine if this is good or holy...

I don't want to serve others purely as a distraction, nor should I kill my flesh so that I cannot feel. It's hard, because this method has its use. When I forget myself entirely, I deny the reality that I long for certain blessings; I feel the fulfillment of serving without the vulnerability of possessing worldly things.

However, this passage bewilders me. James appears to be encouraging us to mourn for the hopelessness of the world so that God can lift us with joy and blessings of His own. Hence the enigma of v. 2-3: how do we know when we should be asking for the blessings He desires to bestow and when to deny the lustful requests that our own hearts have fabricated?

Anybody have a word out there?

romantic blind spot

During my Facebook days, one of my co-workers was tagging friends on an "identity" poster, one that asked her to specify which friend is best characterized by each Disney character:

Crude and immature? Yes, but isn't that the heart of Facebook fun? Having been tagged myself, I scanned across the poster, awaiting the identity that my unbelieving friend had given me. My jaw clenched and my nostrils flared as my mouse rested on an all too familiar destination.

"The One That Saves The Day"

Everyone that knows me knows that I hate this. Fell free to call me a rogue, a loner, or a thinker. Jokingly refer to me as bipolar, moody, or intense. Openly question my discontent or my random state of melancholy. I will bear no offense. Allow me to be anything but the hero.

I was driving to work a couple days ago, listening to my autumn tunes. While never one of my favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs, the following lyrics rang profoundly that cool morning:

It's a still life water color
Of a now late afternoon
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs
The borders of our lives

And you read your Emily Dickinson
And I my Robert Frost
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm
Couplets out of rhyme
In syncopated time
And the dangled conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives

Yes, we speak of things that matter
With words that must be said
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow
I cannot feel your hand
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs
In the borders of our lives

-- The Dangling Conversation

Whereas Simon wrote these words to describe the monotony of a deteriorating relationship, I found myself stricken with a bit of envy. I realized that for as long as I have despised the "hero" tag from women, I have never allowed myself to be anything else. I have a complete inability to engage in the small talk common with the modern couple -- the only time I have ever felt welcome or useful to a woman is when she has needed to be saved.

Let's look at my track history. I have cared for two women deeply: both under 5'0 tall, both too reckless with their hearts, both prior victims of abuse, both trying to get their spiritual lives in order after mistakes, both fully willing to let me be their perfect man...

Big problem: I couldn't save them. They were never mine to save. The minute I let down my guard, transitioning from a strong and noble god to a fractured man with emotional needs, they were finished. Sure, had I never attempted to usurp God's position, they may have never been interested in me at all. But what dysfunction would cause me to place that level of pressure on myself...or participate in that level of spiritual corruption?

I recognize that I don't trust women to love me for who I am. I will forever be incapable of the "dangling conversation," because worldly things have so little value to me. Likewise, being "The One That Saves The Day" leads me forever through a string of co-dependency. I struggle daily to ask this question, leading me to disregard her in prayer, but what is it that I want?

I want a real partner. Even as I glorify the idea in my mind, I don't want someone to simply fill space beside me. I desire a woman who will minister with me, worship with me, raise children with me, and never grow tired of speaking of the things of God, because these are the only things that truly interest me. And while I feel as if I must continuously dig for other worldly things to break the ice with 21st century women, I know that this is no way to begin a righteous relationship. If "we speak of things that matter," and it doesn't involve Christ or our mutual pursuit of Him, I'll feel like I'm wasting my time.

And I'll be perfectly honest, I don't know if what I want exists.

what if He needs me more than i need my grace?

Byron has been reading Proverbs -- he informed Michael and I that he's praying to recognize women according to their inner beauty. I was pleased to hear this from a disciple and friend, but I warned him it was a dangerous prayer. He posted 31:30 on his Facebook profile and was surprised by the number of women that "liked" it, as compared to the glaring absence of a single man.

[I could have used this opportunity to inform Byron that righteous men do not frequent Facebook, but I passed due to the gravity of the conversation and the obvious pride in my own heart.] ;)

He also acknowledged the number of women on the "like list" that do not actively live according to this pursuit. For me, it boils down to the disconnect between a woman's longing and her experience. I believe that many women long to be cherished and found beautiful according to the Proverbs 31 standard, but pursue worldly beauty because man's heart is not in line with God's. Men can promote the nobility of inner beauty all they'd like, but while youth ministers are among those parading the external beauty of their "smokin' hot wives,"** it is not difficult to see why boys and girls are taught the righteous model and ultimately conclude: "That's easy for you to say."

This evening's conversation cut me deeply, because I recognized the opportunities I've had to encourage Godly beauty with the women in my life. I began wondering if getting married is such a good idea for me after all. I spend my work days promoting inner beauty and establishing appropriate boundaries with girls that plead for male attention. I encourage my Christian sisters -- in person and through the blogging community -- to invest their spiritual beauty above the physical. As relentless as this ministry has become in my life, can I serve in marriage with a clear conscience, while millions of single Christian men lack a model for purity?

I never asked to be a poster boy. I would much rather see each man setting the tone for gender reconciliation and the redemption of marriage. I would ride into the distant sunset with God and my own family, confident that righteousness had prevailed. But I have already offered to be His. If He needs a poster boy, is it worth sacrificing my own desires? I already know the answer.

Part of me is wrestling with the credibility issue again: a new level of dysfunction as the pendulum has swung sharply in the other direction. Now, where I discover female hearts that stir my attraction for inner beauty, I find myself disappointed when they are framed by a pretty exterior. Strangely, my disappointment is not from insecurity or inferiority. I worry myself thinking, "If I admire and marry a physically beautiful woman, then I am part of the problem."

As usual, the truth is somewhere in between. Satan attacks my motives with lies, because he knows my mind is set on righteousness. If I do not marry, I have no spiritual right to minister to women. If I marry, I cannot empathize with the single plight. Worse yet, should I marry an exquisite woman with a beautiful heart, I am a hypocrite. Regardless of where I set my heart, the lies will be flying.

His truth is my only clear perspective: the truth that He is good. For Him to deny is good -- for Him to grant gifts is good. Mullins wrote that receiving a Godly mate was "doubly good," and then proceeded to live a life of celibacy! Can I fend off the lies, recognizing that goodness is found in Him alone and in His grace, receiving the joy inherent through either life?

-------------------------


**I've heard variations of this phrase during at least ten messages preached by youth pastors or speakers. It's "cute" and "romantic" that they are physically attracted to their wives, but they've only managed to promote to girls that God's standard is secondary...and to college-bound boys that they should major in youth ministry. I wish I was joking.

is delaying marriage God's intent?

I acknowledge that I accept elements of society without question or realization. While older folk have the luxury of reminiscing how things were different “in their day,” young people live according to the way things have always been for them. For example, the ten-year-old has never known a world void of cellular devices. Twenty-year-olds have always had access to digital recordings. And as quaint as the technology may have been, thirty-somethings were quickly introduced to the personal computer.

It is my nature to dissect spiritual ideas and worldly progressions back to their roots. While this has driven my convictions regarding the church assembly and the use of birth control, I’ve certainly thrown other sacred cows under the microscope as well. I’ve offered these topics to suggest how quickly a generation assumes the world’s take on subjects of interest, if for no other reason than the opposing view has become extinct. Desensitivity always breeds tolerance, which is upheld as a core value in the 21st century. Today’s church largely accepts birth control and the use of worship for evangelism because they have never known a more acceptable idea. Why would we bother to question that which has always been in our lifetime?

During my first coffee stint, I was shocked to hear a female co-worker support early marriage. She was plenty progressive for a girl growing up in the Bible Belt: sexually active and pursuing a career as a twenty-something woman might. However, she expressed that adolescent girls are physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. While she did not excuse the sin of lust, she attributed much of the male struggle with this design. In other words, though society would have men feel ashamed for even noticing the beauty of a teenage girl, they are physiologically prone to seeking a mate holding the innocence of youth.

Scripturally, I couldn’t defend against her argument, and I had never before considered the implications of such a shift. Socially, any American can see the problem with her theory. Not only would I have been implicated as a chauvinist pig for suggesting this philosophy to another woman, but as a youth pastor, I couldn’t imagine any of my teens being mature enough to consider marriage. They were too flighty, too self-absorbed, and too irresponsible. I should have pushed the thought aside… I should have been a good relevant Christian… I should have made a quick excuse and ran… I should have…

But that’s not me. I nurtured the question. I deliberated for years asking myself, “Why is that so?”

Relative to other kids, my high school students were mature. And yet, by any adult opinion, they were still kids -- kids that happened to be physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. But practically? Not even close. I remember thinking that I was ready to begin a relationship in my late teens; I pale to consider how tragic that might have been! What brought us to viewing young people in this way? Did God intend us to be here, or has the enemy brought us so far along that we didn’t notice the deviation?

This much is certain: our priorities have shifted. Whereas a century ago the righteous man’s primary concerns were the provision and protection of his family, the modern man seeks education and employment for his own self-fulfillment, gratifying his other natural desires through temporal means. Women have also abandoned their primary concern of comforting for the same modern pursuits. In the end, we have millions of young people living for their own interests, convincing themselves that they are bettering their situation to offer a more perfected version… someday.

And this is the lie. We believe that our husband or wife will be better served by our worldly experience than by the trust gained in seeking the Lord as one flesh. Are young couples a naïve mess of inexperience and irresponsibility? Of course they are! Even so, I’ve come to believe that two young, clueless lovers have as great an opportunity to find unity and trust in one another as two “responsible,” self-actualized adults. What makes us think that people who have grown to pursue their own interests will suddenly cater to the interest of their spouse? I see little evidence that older marriages have been ultimately more healthy. The modern message of prudent living and God’s covenant for marriage are in opposition with one another.

Understand that I’m not condoning a hasty decision to pursue one’s lusts. One of the issues with our society is that teenagers are not made to grow up and take responsibility, so they begin filling the time void with social dating and ultimately greater temptations that compromise their purity. Rarely is heavy commitment seen as a feasible option, and men are taking no steps to indicate they are prepared for such a transition. The world and the church encourage this slow pace, and tell us to fix our own issues first. What I am suggesting is that lack of commitment and selfishness seem to be just as prevalent among 20-something singles as the high school grad, if not more. When we look at age or experience as the qualifier for successful marriage, we are using the wrong variables. God is not interested in man and woman bringing everything perfect and proper into His covenant. But we’ve fallen into the same trap regarding our intimacy with Him. While God is wanting to use our relationships as an opportunity to grow in trust and consecration, we want to consider ourselves lawfully perfect before we are presentable.

I consider my parents’ marriage, and I’m sure they did a lot of stuff wrong. They were a couple years out of high school and couldn’t afford most of the modern luxuries that couples think they have to have today. They were able to find a tiny two-bedroom house, and had a pair of children over the next couple years before progressing towards bigger and better things. I grew up without cable, air conditioning, or expensive toys. My parents struggled at times, but God always provided. My parents bought the “toys” after my brother and I graduated. But I think if you asked either one of them today, they couldn’t have imagined traveling those years without one another by their side. They grew in intimacy because they had to figure this stuff out together. I think that’s what we’ve lost in today’s society. We want the nice stuff, and if that means delaying marriage to get it, we will cast aside God’s spiritual blessing for worldly treasures.

All this might sound hypocritical coming from a 30-something single, but I’m not so interested in transforming culture back to the “good ole’ days.” I think the greater lesson is how God would have us trust Him to work Himself throughout every facet of the marriage, rather than waiting until we are “fulfilled” in ourselves to pursue a relationship, regardless of our age. For one thing, if we can truly attain such a fulfillment, we are better off remaining single. God has given us the wonderful privilege of uniting in marriage, because He is just that good to offer us a grace for our weakness and insufficiency. I know that’s what he’s placed on my heart to pursue. It doesn’t mean that God isn’t still the one continuing the work of consecration, but we shouldn’t dismiss that He would like us to receive it through His established covenant.

All this is a work of progress in my head. I would really love to hear what you think, and how you justify your own approach to relationships or marriage.

a tale of two covenants -- part 2

Have you ever read or heard something that made your jaw drop and slowly state, “Woooooo…that makes so much sense?”

During my regularly scheduled blog hop, I stumbled across some articles on marriage that forced me to evaluate how my church upbringing and my wounds have sent me way off track in my “pursuit.” In fact, my church upbringing and my wounds have perfectly ruined any attempt at a “pursuit,” so that “pursuit” is no longer an appropriate word for what I have been doing.

These truths also gave me a biblical understanding of why I hate being pursued by women so much, and why it is unnatural according to God’s natural order, beyond the typical gender role agenda of the traditional church.

First, let’s explore a couple simple proverbs of which you may already be acquainted:

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. (18:22)

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (31:10-12)

Throw in a dash of Paul:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleaning her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Eph. 5:25-28)

John will close out our study:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son in to the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:7-11)

Break it down…

Truth #1: We cannot know love without knowing God. I’m sure many of us claim this truth as believers, but consider how many people we would acknowledge to “be in love” that do not know God. For example, if someone would ask about them, I would say that my parents love one another. But my dad doesn’t know God, so how can he love? And then I look at the fruit: I see selfishness, rudeness, jealousy, and all sorts of things that Paul tells us are contrary to love. Not to sell my dad short -- he holds an affinity for my mom that has contributed to nearly 38 years of marriage. One might even say, there are lingering remnants of the Lord’s glory within my dad’s attempt at love.

I could ease the argument, and say that my dad simply loves in a different way than God, but this would contradict Paul…

Truth #2: Man’s love for his bride is to mirror God’s love for the Church. Here’s where things get dicey; I may lose you ladies. Having grown up in the church, one of the truths that I did not grasp until late in my 20s is that Christ apprehends man. For years, I was under the impression that if I wanted more of God, I had to seek Him on my own terms, hoping to chase some elusive deity until He saw my desperation and gave up hiding. And while there is some apprehending to be done on our behalf, we do not have a relationship with God because anything that we have done. Our Father chose us, he predestined us, and he made himself known to us (Eph. 1:3-14).

Do you realize that you would have no right to apprehend God if He had not first chosen to make himself known to you? You may understand this theoretically, but consider this: without God making radically aggressive moves towards us, our lives would be lived in complete separation from our Creator. You understand love because this is what was required: that His Son would serve as the sacrifice for our sins, so that Christ could present His perfect Bride, the Church.

Reconcile what Paul is truly expressing. In the same way that God radically and aggressively pursued mankind to demonstrate the existence of love -- an existence that would not be known apart from Him -- husbands are expected to love their wives. This correlation brings about two uncomfortable conclusions for the 21st century:

• Men are not expected to idly sit back and wait for their beloved to present herself.
• While a woman can know love through the Father, she cannot know love in a marriage relationship apart from their husband first demonstrating his love for her.

My dear sisters, you may be thinking to yourself, “That isn’t fair!” And I would ask you, is it any less fair than the Church’s understanding of love through a willful submission to the aggressive pursuit of our Lord? Would we call God unjust because we want to be the one to love Him? That would be ridiculous. Try to keep an open mind as I speak contrary to the world or your experiences.

As man and woman desperately seek God in a passionate response to His love, man comes to find that while God has given him vision and purpose for serving his Father, it is not good to be alone. What better expression in service to God than to model His love for mankind? So God establishes the standard of the righteous and upright woman for the man -- bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh -- and the man decides it is time to honor God through marriage. He sets out to see if his journey can be successful. He demonstrates his love to the women in his life: serving, protecting, and leading them selflessly -- loving according to the 1 Cor. 13 foundation established by God and not the world. He contains his heart for passion and romance until its due time.

Woman sees the heart of the upright men in her life, and she responds to their love in kind. She serves, comforts, and guards their hearts selflessly, not presuming to present herself as a bride, but as a sister. As the groom comes calling, he will search the hearts of those that have responded to his love, and will ask the chosen one’s hand in marriage. She has the decision to accept his offer according to the love demonstrated to her; she may reject it based on the same standard, which she should know fully well according to the love that her Heavenly Father has lavished on her. Any “love” that does not mirror the Father’s love will not stir her heart, for this “love” is foreign to her, and not really love at all. The groom that presents his heart as one after the Father’s will be loved if the woman has understood love according to the Father.

Quaint, huh? Final truth…

Truth #3 The man who loves his wife -- and the wife who loves her husband -- are in fact loving the image of God that they recognize in one another. This is why all other love is not really love at all. The marriage that God intended, reflecting the glory of His own love for His children, must be represented by two people that seek Him first. The reason that a man receives favor from the Lord when he finds a wife is that she demonstrates everything feminine that he adores in his Creator. The reason that a woman receives comfort from the Lord when she is found by a husband is that he demonstrates everything masculine that she admires in her Father.

Does that sound attractive to anyone in this world?