Halfway through my first week as a teen camp counselor, I'm asked to lead a volleyball game for the campers. When my funky looking serve proves unexpectedly effective, I make a point to mock the opposition. A beautiful 17-year-old camper does her best to belittle my inflated ego, leading to some teasing repartee.Friday, August 7
After finishing my breakfast, I deliver my cafeteria tray to the dishwashing window. The same girl is working inside the window and reprimands me for dirtying three glasses instead of reusing the same glass. I respond by drinking two more glasses of milk and slamming the empty glasses in the window. She pretends to be annoyed, but smiles. I do my best to remain professional through the remainder of the day.Sunday, August 9
Teen Camp ends a few hours before the final worship service. I shyly approach the girl to tell her that I'll see her in a year.Monday, August 10
I call to ask her on a date. She accepts.Saturday, August 15
I pick her up and we eat a quietly awkward dinner at Applebees. She's rather "go-with-the-flow" and is still waiting for God to reveal her greater passions. I scrap my initial plans for a more romantic evening and choose to take her bowling. Our conversation loosens up as we engage in playful competition. She wins 2 of 3 games. I conclude that she isn't really into me because she offers little initial feedback, and I'm not accustomed to attractive girls reciprocating. I decide it was a failure.October 1998
At an overnight youth event, a couple girls that attend her church tell me that she allegedly had a good time and thought it was sweet of me to "lose on purpose." I communicate my confusion and remain too intimidated to set up a second date.December 1998
She sends me a Christmas letter, finishing with the statement: "Pretty sure you still exist -- feel free to reassure me."Mind you, this was my last date with an emotionally mature female until this past weekend. I allude to this because:
- I've cared for a series of women holding colossal amounts of spiritual baggage.
- I initially attract women that want me to understand them (something I do well -- something I do for a living) rather than desire to know me. I'm not sure how to let a woman know me.
- When a woman has nothing to fix, I don't understand my role in the relationship.
- When a woman has nothing to fix, I confuse her lack of dependence for a lack of interest. This leads to personal insecurity.
- I torture myself over the fine line between maintaining a healthy relationship and fearing an ongoing friendship with a woman that is annoyed by my company. Clearly, if she isn't interested and I'm beating a dead horse, this makes me inconsiderate of her feelings. So I'd rather cut off communication than bother a woman who's only sparing my feelings
I'd prefer not to answer these questions alone -- I will always reason the same depressing conclusion, faulty as it may be. Should I pray that God would send me the grace of a spiritually-free woman with the patience to know me, and why does this feel like a selfish request?
4 comments:
Although I’ve never met you in person I highly doubt you’re the annoying, obnoxious type. I think you are conscientious and kind so if a woman is annoyed by something you’re doing it would be her place to say so. Maybe, when you fear this situation is arising it would be good to ask for her honesty so you’re both on the same page. Let her know you’d rather have the truth than something insincere (yeah, that sounds like the ReliantK song). Although women may feel like they’re being kind in sparing your feelings, they aren’t since they would be leading you on to believe something untrue. As you’ve come to realize, it’s dangerous and sad to just drop a friendship based on your assumptions about her feelings. You may be losing out on something great just because you misunderstood her. Don’t be so afraid of rejection that you end up essentially rejecting her first.
Your desire doesn’t sound like a selfish request to me. Everyone’s different; we all move through relationships at different speeds and we must be patient with each other. If you haven’t met a woman who is patient enough with you while you are trying to be open and honest, you just haven’t found the right one. I know there are a couple things that a man will have to be very patient with me about someday but I know the kind of man I’m waiting for will be the kind to be patient when I have trouble letting him know me.
This is the song by RelientK I was referring to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOAUnGt3XFk
"As you’ve come to realize, it’s dangerous and sad to just drop a friendship based on your assumptions about her feelings. You may be losing out on something great just because you misunderstood her. Don’t be so afraid of rejection that you end up essentially rejecting her first."
I recognize that this has been my sin in the past, and it has always allowed the enemy to plant regret. Thanks for your words, Laurel -- I'm asking that God will give me the strength to overcome my fear.
Openness has to do with transparency and vulnerability.. don't be afraid of being vulnerable :) We are loved by how much we are known.. the people who cares about you can only minister to your needs when they are able to understand what's in your heart. So be open to share if you would like to foster a 2 way intimacy :) it's not easy when you harbor a sense of guilt/condemnation.. there's therefore no more condemnation in Christ, you are forgiven of missing all the marks in the past :)So you can start living as what you have believed :)
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