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I've been thinking about fear this week and how it relates to the call for complete submission.

I consider this a grace: money has never been a concern for me. It was one of my first areas of sacrifice, and I have never wrestled with it since. If God told me to sell everything, no problem. If God asked me to move anywhere, big deal. When God prompts me to speak truth among a group of elders I've never met, I trust that He's behind it.

But I recognize the comfort in this. If my "easy" sacrifices are found uncommon by the world, I can rest in these and ignore my fears. My social deficits are afforded by my worldly detachment.

Five years ago, this was completely fine. With a heart of stone, it cost me nothing to sell anything, move anywhere, speak whatever. The restored heart that craves communion? It has something to lose.

I've reasoned every fleshly path to raising a family without spiritual compromise, and each solution is lacking. Being honest with my deceived heart this morning: I do not believe that a woman would willingly follow me into a life without earthly inheritance. I have no difficulty in believing that God will provide for me, but I have no confidence that another would trust that. Independence has allowed me to walk in faith while failing to challenge someone I love. I see the difficulties that others have experienced in calling their wives "all in," and I fear the responsibility of that union. I feel that I will fail her, even as God has never failed me. Silly, huh?