the strongest desire

Ten years ago, I earned my first dependency to caffeinated beverages. A woman from my church decided to open a coffeehouse, and spending the entire morning with high school girls set the perfect stage. During this season, a fellow frequenter and doctoral student delivered philosophical questions to the locals. One such inquiry elicited a lengthy discussion:

"Is it possible to respond contrary to your strongest desire?"

This of course led to individual discourses on sin nature and the boundaries of free will. All of these trailed to a problem with semantics -- if we can choose something else over our strongest desires, were they truly our strongest desires, or was the "something else" our strongest desire all along?

I deliberated over this question in considering the choice to love. I'll be honest: given my limited relationship experience, I find it difficult to give feet to this philosophy. If love is a choice, I have to accept that most humans do not have a clue how to give or receive. If love responds to the elusive laws of "chemistry," I'm dependent on the subjective whims of another. I do believe that God has established loving relationships through both avenues (according to His good grace), but could we presume that relationships are most easily sustained through a combination of both?

Trailing back to the original question...

I believe that our strongest motivations and desires are demonstrated not by word, but by action. For example, if I proclaimed some non-negotiable standards I hold for a wife: to love Christ and His church, to have a reformational heart for His people and a Spirit-filled eye and understanding for the lost, to serve meekly and with compassion, to follow according to the Godly favor she has found in her husband... to be attractive according the world's standards... our truest desires are made known when pursued regardless of any accompaniment by weaker desires. As a man, I could proclaim everything short of the superficial finish, but if I find myself more willing to compromise the former than the latter, my words are in vain. My strongest desire is exposed by the pursuit of my heart.

Yes, I lean towards the "choose to love" camp. I've felt the warm fuzzies and experienced mystical chemistry only to expose the idolatry of my heart. The question for myself and others like me is what we will choose to love. If our strongest desire is to know Christ and the spiritual mysteries of His truth, our actions will be dictated by this desire. We will choose to invest in relationships that draw us closer to His feet -- those that stir the portions of our heart most intimately in love with Him.

I can't tell you what yours should be; I cannot reveal mine, short of being put to the same test. A suitor or recipient often discovers as much about him/herself as they do their beloved. In the meantime, I must allow my heart to be open to His encouragement and rebuke, whichever may apply to the desires of my heart. My prayer must be as David's in Psalm 139:

Search me, God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

34

Perhaps the most difficult part of celebrating birthdays is coping with the idea that I am not of primary significance to any one person... and feeling selfish for expecting anything special. I don't know how I should feel about my birthday, if there's anything to be felt at all -- I do acknowledge a wound with a lot of reinforcement. As early as 1st grade, my friends found excuses not to attend my birthday party (the kid with the same birthday allegedly took it more personal if they didn't show, whereas I would "understand"). By the time I turned 25, only one of my birthdays had received any unsolicited attention from friends; it was easy to conclude that short of throwing myself a party, nobody would notice.

My most painful was #26: having turned the calendar during a youth worker convention, my acquaintances verbally demonstrated how annoyed they were with having their plans interrupted. We were in Dallas on the weekend of the Longhorn/Sooner rivalry game, thus every restaurant was packed, and the other leaders made it known they would rather order pizza than endure a crowd. Through debate and compromise, we eventually made our way to dinner, but the ordeal began again when one of the men suggested they should cover my meal. I wanted to scream loudly, "You know I'm sitting right in front of you!"

After this most recent slight, I decided to expect nothing at all. I asked my employers to schedule me for work and attempted to distract myself from anything capable of reminding me.

This is why the past 24 hours captured a surprisingly delightful of events. After being set up by another scheduled gathering gone bad (and wrestling through the disappointment of seven people bailing in a week), a few friends decided to meet me for wings and a game of cards. Nothing particularly enlightening transpired, but for one desiring quality time above all else, it was nice to be something other than an obstacle on everyone's schedule. God provided exactly what I desired.

state of being

Hmm... it's been a crazy good 7-day stretch. I've been swallowing a good amount of truth from the Spirit. I haven't decided yet whether I want to share it all here, but suffice it to say that God has been faithful.

in the name of love

For mortals, as you said, will become more and more jealous. And mother and wife and child and friend will all be in league to keep a soul from being united with the Divine Nature.

-- C.S. Lewis, from Till We Have Faces

That everyone knows I know this as "love" leads to the most dangerous sin of all.

veil

I'm excited to share one of my favorite passages in scripture, but in the words of my beloved Greek instructor: "Context is everything!"

It came about when Moses was coming down from Mount Sinai (and the two tablets of the testimony were in Moses’ hand as he was coming down from the mountain), that Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because of his speaking with Him. So when Aaron and all the sons of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone, and they were afraid to come near him. Then Moses called to them, and Aaron and all the rulers in the congregation returned to him; and Moses spoke to them. Afterward all the sons of Israel came near, and he commanded them to do everything that the Lord had spoken to him on Mount Sinai. When Moses had finished speaking with them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever Moses went in before the Lord to speak with Him, he would take off the veil until he came out; and whenever he came out and spoke to the sons of Israel what he had been commanded, the sons of Israel would see the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses’ face shone. So Moses would replace the veil over his face until he went in to speak with Him. (Exodus 34:29-35)

As often as I've identified with Moses in my flesh -- his fear, his frustration, and his stubbornness -- I relate too well with this story. Returning from Kansas City amidst an intimate pursuit of God, I head-wrestled with the multitude of believers content on pursuing an intermediary and cringing at the suggestion that He desires His Word to be understood by the "ordinary" Christian. When I read this passage, it bewilders me; not only did God's people have zero interest in climbing the mountain to know Him personally, but the evidence of His presence among Moses brought them fear.

We see a similar attitude from the church in Corinth, who took no issue with boasting in their lawful deeds, but continually struggled with their desire to be accepted and affirmed by men, most notably placing their identity in "super-apostles" that promoted a self-seeking gospel through skilled presentation (2 Cor. 11). Unfortunately for Corinth and the church in America today, the ordinary believer has chosen to relinquish his/her right to know Him intimately out of fearful inferiority, spiritual pride, or outright idolatry.

As I fail to view salvation as the most beautiful incentive of my life in Christ, it would be amiss of me to let my brothers and sisters rest with such a view of the Gospel. I find it infinitely more extraordinary that our Father granted salvation as a means to lift the veil, reconciling our relationship according to His original intent to be among us.

That truth drives me CRAZY for His love!

Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

But if the ministry of death, in letters engraved on stones, came with glory, so that the sons of Israel could not look intently at the face of Moses because of the glory of his face, fading as it was, how will the ministry of the Spirit fail to be even more with glory? For if the ministry of condemnation has glory, much more does the ministry of righteousness abound in glory. For indeed what had glory, in this case has no glory because of the glory that surpasses it. For if that which fades away was with glory, much more that which remains is in glory.

Therefore having such a hope, we use great boldness in our speech, and are not like Moses, who used to put a veil over his face so that the sons of Israel would not look intently at the end of what was fading away. But their minds were hardened; for until this very day at the reading of the old covenant the same veil remains unlifted, because it is removed in Christ. But to this day whenever Moses is read, a veil lies over their heart; but whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. (2 Cor. 3:4-18)

Did you catch that? Even the Law leading to death demonstrated His glory, vividly enough to disturb His people to fear. However, in Christ the veil has been removed, and we have been granted privilege by His Spirit to encounter the fullness of His glory! Clearly, our God was not merely interested in saving us from death; He intends to meet with us in a more intimate manner than was possible for Moses himself!

"But now I am going to Him who sent Me; and none of you asks Me, ‘Where are You going?’ But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart. But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you. And He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment; concerning sin, because they do not believe in Me; and concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father and you no longer see Me; and concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world has been judged.

"I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He will glorify Me, for He will take of Mine and will disclose it to you. All things that the Father has are Mine; therefore I said that He takes of Mine and will disclose it to you." (John 16:5-15)

For those believing the lie that your Father does not delight in communicating with you, understand that the primary purpose for the death of Christ was that His Spirit might take residence in your heart. Jesus considered this fatal transaction to your advantage, as remaining in the flesh would not have removed the spiritual veil that divided you from the glory of your Father. For a God to go through such romantic lengths to make Himself intimately known, it seems the most vain of all spiritual vanities to accept the death of Christ apart from the Spirit that brings freedom and demonstrates His glory through holy transformation.

very inspiring blogger award

While not the first time I've received a blogging award nomination, I feel compelled to share something for the sake of promoting the woman that nominated me. Elaine posts regularly on her At Home With God blog, sharing the daily surprises, blessings, and challenges of an intimate relationship with her Creator. Everyone should check it out; her maturation process is weaved through the archives and serves as an encouragement to any believer interested in lifting the veil. I'm excited to know that pursuing His Presence is not in vain; Elaine's relationship with God testifies to the reward of my longing.

I'm not currently reading fifteen blogs, so the acceptance process would be in vain. Typically, I follow five blogs at a time, and those I find most inspiring usually run their course and cease to exist... until God brings me a fresh five. I try to promote my favorite blogs on the sidebar, though it's in need of deep cleaning as some have left me missing their words. :)

Merriam-Webster defines "inspiring" as having an animating or exalting effect. One of its synonyms happens to be breathtaking, but as this could describe an ugly baby as well as my blog, I'll stray from its neutral connotation and pray the Ledger's inspiration has been a positive one. Thank you. :)

[Since I have yet to kick the obnoxious habit of adverb overuse, this award is most fitting. Very inspiring, indeed!]

Seven important and personal facts about myself:

1. I appear to have shed the nickname bug for the first time in my life. Since preschool I have been Ant, Anth, Antny, Antonio, Antony, Antoine, Twan, Twanithan, Twanifer... this list excludes the glut of embarrassing pet names offered by my mom. Interesting to note: I have never introduced myself as any of these. I steadfastly hold the conviction that nicknames should be received organically rather than solicited. Aside from name shortages initiated by parents (Dan for Daniel, Beth for Elizabeth, Zach for Zachary, etc.), an individual should never promote the advance of his or her own nickname-fame. If it's meant to take off, it will happen. Creating a nickname for yourself is lame.
   
   More about nicknames:
   
   • The only common thread in my adolescent dating relationships was the use of my real name. I never demanded it; my girlfriends intuitively knew I would find it special. I did.
   • In the vanity of youth, I broke my cardinal rule and tried to create my own nickname. It failed miserably. I would tell you what it was, but then I would have to change each of my internet passwords.
   • I have never been a Tony. I will never be a Tony. I know you're tempted at this very moment -- don't do it... EVER! I WILL DESTROY YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!!! =)
     


2. This blog was originally inspired by 1 Chronicles 29, in which David passes the torch to his son and pleads with the assembly to consecrate themselves before the Lord. David offers a large inheritance to the building of God's temple, a task larger than Solomon can handle in his youth and inexperience. However, there's an air of spiritual preparation in David's intercession:
   

   O Lord, God of our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Israel, keep this desire in the hearts of your people forever, and keep their hearts loyal to you. And give my son Solomon the wholehearted devotion to keep your commands, requirements and decrees and to do everything to build the palatial structure for which I have provided. (1 Chr. 29:18-19)

   I love transition points in scripture. God regularly provides transition in leadership where a new work is to begin. Moses couldn't enter the promised land. David couldn't build the temple. Isaiah was given the Messianic prophecy once his spiritually proud king had died. I believe that we're living in another such time and that God is allowing me to prepare a work that will be completed by a generation removed from the idolatry of the contemporary church. My ministry is to till the soil for a move of the Spirit that I will likely never see to the end. I'm perfectly content with this arrangement. :)
   


3. My best friend through the first 15 years of my life distanced himself because his high school girlfriend didn't like me. I haven't truly had a "bestie" since, and I've gone out of my way on several occasions to avoid gaining one. For this reason, I think it's easier to identify with God being almighty and sovereign, but less so as an intimate friend. At the very least, I respond to God with the same degree of standoffish independence that I do with my earthly friends. We're working on this.
   


4. After playing football in junior high, the head coach of the high school team asked if I'd volunteer as a team manager the following year. This established the need to run from Poing A to Point B, as the coach had me "gophering" this and that for four years... items that were always needed "yesterday." Not only did this role get me in amazing shape (I used to do acrobatics running for the kicking tee during games), it developed a habit of running when it was sufficient to walk. During my camp directing days, our administrator once commented that it never felt like Teen Camp had officially begun until she saw me running across campus to grab a forgotten item during registration.
   


5. I have an unhealthy obsession with the color blue, but I think it's getting better.
   


6. As a youth pastor / camp director, I loved van and bus rides. I still love to travel, even if I'm by myself. I led four Spring Break trips to Florida, and only the first of these was laden with bad weather. However, I hold this trip in higher regard because the van ride was more memorable. I can't remember much of anything about the other trips.
   
   I desire to take a coast-to-coast trip some summer, visiting large cities and ridiculous rural claims-to-fame as I go. The only rule: never use an interstate to pass through area where a U.S. Highway still exists. This should send me through quaint towns, mountainous passes, and urban hoods -- I want to see everything my citizenship will allow. And if I never have the funds to complete this trip, I'll have to get a job as Googleman.
   
   BTW: this is only my consolation trip, should I never have the opportunity to cross Western Europe with nothing but a backpack of belongings!
   


7. The only passage of scripture that has been personally prophesied over my life is Psalm 18. All the more reason to grow in faith.
   

man-child

I returned from my vacation with a burned out headlight this past February and decided this was the time to prove I was a man. Opening the hood, I scoped out the machinery and loosened the hoses that blocked the passage to my destination. The manual was clear that the next step was detaching the plastic clip that shielded the accidental removal of the bulb. I strained with all my might, but the clip wouldn't budge. First time, second time... eleventh time -- same result. While other men were exchanging their own belts and breaks that lovely weekend, I couldn't even detach a half-inch clip of plastic.

Of course, this is nothing new for me. I had long since determined that I would never be a real man. What use was making the best espresso and preaching the best message if I could never change a flat tire? Clearly, God had messed something up and was unable (or unwilling) to do what was necessary to be the kind of "warrior" that male devotionals describe. As other men were aspiring to be William Wallace, I would be fortunate to compare with the bipolar nature of Martin Luther... save his intelligence.

Flashback nearly nineteen years: an abnormally miniature 8th grader just had the best three hours of his life with a smiley girl that appeared to share his affections. The following Monday at school, she makes a point to find him in the cafeteria and inform him of her recent breakup with her jerkface boyfriend. [Hint, hint.] I'm immediately happy inside, but haven't the sense or experience to know what to do. A few days pass and I see her in the hallway with friends. She passes by, smiles, and continues towards class. The same the next day. And the next. Never another word exchanged, never an explanation for my sudden loss of tongue. As the school year approaches its end, she passes by with indifference.

"I don't even know what to say."

"I've never been told how to treat a woman."

"I'm probably not cool enough for her anyway."

Or on her end, "I thought he liked me..."

The ridiculous nature of junior high romance aside, I wish I could say I've grown. I would hope that years of physical growth and life experience would train me to behave less like a child and more like a man. In all seriousness, it has not. A good part of me still feels underdeveloped and ashamed of my ignorance. It's time to buck up and get over it already, right?

I can't turn back time. Even if I could, I could not force my dad to help me grow. It was always easier for him to do it himself. I would screw it up. I was in the way. He met my basic needs and taught me the value of providing for a family. Everything else I had to figure out on my own. It hasn't happened yet.

Physically and socially, I will never be the man that I thought I needed to be. Somehow, I must accept God's grace in this and presume that He has a plan despite my lack of basic training. My struggle will always be against my own standard of what is required to be valuable, as I strain to find usefulness through any level of competence that accompanies my shortcomings. Maybe I could be loved if I learned a new trade. Maybe the effort I place into failing will be noted. As I kick the tires of my beat up Escort, maybe this headlight will miraculously fix itself...

It hasn't yet, so I'm forced to adopt a different identity. Amidst the labor and frustration of the daily grind is a glory waiting to be revealed. It's been there since the beginning, but it's time He told me who I am. I must accept the paradox of being His beloved. I must choose to acknowledge myself as a son. As I walk over the hill desperate and dirty, I must return the embrace that my Father offers.

Being His man has always been a greater comfort than being yours.

dreams

There are two difficulties that caution me from sharing the dreams that God has laid on my heart:

1. Acknowledging my dreams forces me to hope, which leaves me vulnerable to disappointment. (lack of faith)
2. Hoping out loud holds me accountable to loved ones that challenge my growth. (lack of healthy dependence)

Likewise, I recognize the misery incurred within an aimless lifestyle. If I wait for my whims and feelings to align with God's heart, I'm reminded that God has an abundant supply of "wilderness" through which I can tread two or three times. I'd like to avoid that where simple obedience and diligence could spare me the mileage.

So contrary to the interest of my self-preservation, I will dare to hope:

My heart is that God will be glorified. He does not offer us dreams without intending to demonstrate Himself. A dream solely for my own satisfaction is one pursued in vain. I hope that the fulfillment of each dream will graciously reveal His love, His character, and His truth. He has granted me no greater privilege than to live as a beacon of light.

My heart is for a pure and lovely assembly. Christ has named us His bride, and we have been charged to reveal His mysteries to the dying as instruments of reconciliation. We are not asked to reconcile mankind with itself, though unity is found in fellowship with the Lord. No, we are asked to point every man and woman to the Christ that gave us life and set us free. We must first bear this testimony ourselves. Where the assembly is modeled and structured with the unbeliever in mind, we squander His intent and bring dishonor to the name of His people. In love and grace, we should pursue righteousness for the sake of the kingdom He is establishing in the hearts of men.

My heart is for the sick, impoverished, and poor in Spirit. Rather than inviting them to an unevenly yoked assembly, I want to actively participate in the lives of the broken. I desire to participate in the life of Christ by offering my very life for the lost. Only then will they know Him to be the God that transforms.

My heart is for a humble, ruined woman to be my wife. She must be the kind of woman that would sacrifice everything to receive her eternal inheritance. She must be willing to live anywhere, own nothing, and love everyone. I desire to begin every morning with her hands in mine, meeting our Lord in prayer. We will love and minister as one flesh, representing Christ's love for His people. We will spur one another in intimacy with Christ and be a comfort to one another for the rest of our days.

My heart is for offspring that I would be privileged to spiritually lead. They would grow up on the mission field and understand what it means to serve those in need as opposed to seeking their own privilege. I pray that my children would know the Lord through firsthand experience of His faithfulness, joyfully living with less and being grateful that it's enough. I look forward to blessing them as a good father should and taking an interest in every area of their lives. Discipleship will begin with my own family and I anticipate daily opportunities to teach and affirm God's intervention in their walk.

death

I was minding myself at work yesterday when God sent me an African-American prophetess to speak into my life about God's heart (and our frustrations with this dry land resistant to sanctification and reconciliation). Most challenging for the both of us is covering our beautiful pearls when "believers" would trounce them as pigs. My heart cries for a ripe audience.

Anyway, I told her that this place was killing me; she promptly interjected, "Not killing you -- killing your flesh." Truth. What makes this season so torturous are not those around me, but the lack of comfort they provide, even in areas where they previously sufficed. Spirit only consoles spirit. Even where God would have my physical and relational needs met, He would have them met through divine people and circumstances. Whatever I seek for my own good will consistently fall short of what He graces for my perseverance.

Lord, sustain me in this death, and bring my spirit greater life!

flesh

In the psych world, they refer to them as "self-defeating behaviors." I know better. They are entirely spiritual. These are the crazy measures that men and women are willing to take when something they covet is threatened. For me, that something happens to be human intimacy -- I find it comical that I fight to defend myself from losing something that I do not possess. This fight quickly transforms me from a reasonable, rational being into an impulsive, destructive monster with no regard for anyone but myself. In the end, I sabotage myself from attaining the one thing I desire.

I'm not sure how He plans to make me well, but I want to be well. When I presume that I've healed because I'm walking in the Spirit, it cannot be put to the test until the next time I dare to move, at which point I consistently find that I have not. I don't know what else to do or how long He would have me endure this pain. I'm tired of hurting.

Tomorrow I will feel better, just as I felt fine yesterday. But I'd rather take confidence that this will one day be finished. I need this fragile hope.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

gifts (pt. 2)

If I asked a crowd of sports fans to name the two most prominent Christian athletes of our day, it wouldn’t astonish anyone if they surmised the same two names:

Athlete One was born to missionary parents active in the field. At a young age, he was taught the benefit of deep Christian values and homeschooled with his four siblings. His home state had previously passed legislation that allowed homeschooled children to participate in local high school athletics, so the family moved to a district with a pass-oriented offense to demonstrate his skills as a quarterback. After twice being named state player of the year, Athlete One attended his parents’ alma mater, winning two national championships and the Heisman trophy. Drafted in the first round of the NFL draft, he led his team to the playoffs in his first year as the primary starter. Athlete One is visibly noted for his charity work, vocal demonstration of his faith, and his decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Athlete Two was born to former athletes; by the age of four his father had laid out a plan to make him a professional athlete. Spending his childhood honing his baseball ability with his dad and older brother, he was quickly asked to participate with older kids in Little League due to his advanced skills. Earning a reputation among scouts as a humble, All-American country boy, Athlete Two led his high school to the state finals as a pitcher and hitter. He was drafted first overall the following year; his parents decided to quit their jobs and travel with him in the minor leagues so that his mom could cook for him and his dad could discuss his performance. Following a car accident that forced his parents to recuperate at home, Athlete Two wrestled with injuries on the field. On his own for the first time, he made new friends and developed addictions to alcohol, cocaine, and meth. After numerous attempts at rehab, he was suspended from baseball. By the grace of God, he reconnected with the father of a high school acquaintance that shared the gospel of Jesus. Athlete Two continued to suffer a series of relapses, but eventually found freedom from the drugs and married his high school friend. Having been away from the game for three years, a team took a chance on him; he has since led another team to a pair of league championships and earned MVP honors. As an alcoholic, Athlete Two has publicly addressed his shortcomings and inability to drink in moderation. He admits that aside from a transformational work of Christ, he would never have the strength to sustain himself.

Taking nothing away from Tim Tebow, were I granted the opportunity to shoot the breeze about Jesus with either man, I would choose Josh Hamilton every time.

"It’s my privilege to tell my story. I never get tired of telling it. I know how fortunate I am.

"… There is no reason why I shouldn’t be dead or crippled."

-- Josh Hamilton

There’s just something about grace.

The nature of their struggles is irrelevant. Actually, my life bears closer resemblance to Tebow’s than it ever will to Hamilton’s. From a protective home to a faith-nurturing college, I entered my twenties as a vocal, charitable, virginal leader. While I cannot identify with the limelight and temptation that must follow Tebow at every corner, I could have made any of these boasts apart from Christ. I’m sure that I did.

What draws me closer to Hamilton is not the body of his story, but his conclusion. Regardless of how the enemy might attempt to discredit our testimonies, Hamilton’s story is not stronger because he indulged in drugs, sex, and tattoos. These are merely the facilities God used to bring him to a righteous conclusion. Through a smaller stage and a milder set of circumstances, He revealed to me the same truth:

“There is no reason why I shouldn’t be dead.”

This is the foundational piece of grace I think most Christians miss -- at the very least we fail to communicate it, and I can‘t imagine knowing it and not wanting to share.

I presume that the motivation of Tebow’s heart is to reveal the character of God through his actions and the stage he’s been allowed. If so, he’s done a fantastic job. This sort of diligence speaks volumes to complacent believers that aren’t making Christ central in their lives. Tebow is quick to give God glory for what he has received and considers football his open door to minister. The only thing missing from Tebow’s presentation is a recognition that it’s ALL grace. His supportive family: grace. His freak-athletic ability: grace. The privilege to share in Christ’s name: grace. Tebow shares enough about the value of hard work that I wonder if he’s acknowledged that there’s no reason he shouldn’t be dead aside from the heart-wrenching intervention of his loving Father. He may have, but he doesn‘t seem like the type to recognize his depravity and remain silent; he‘s plenty vocal about his faith. But the lost desperately need this single confession. It is the Gospel that saves.

*************************

GIFT(S) #2 PROPHET / MERCY -- Compassion vs. apathy

Like many young leaders, I was exposed to the mother lode of personality profiles in my late teens and twenties. Our camp director loved Florence Littauer’s work on temperaments, thus I was subject to assessment branding by the tender age of 16. I decided to pick up a copy of her book in college, wherein she describes my results as a “mask for survival.” Not only was I personally dealing with the most emotional blend of personalities, but I was sent on a witch hunt to discover what was wrong with it. The enemy didn’t miss the opportunity.

During my graduate work, an otherwise amazing adjunct professor had us take a Myers-Briggs assessment. My extrovert/introvert line again teetered close to center, coupled by the emotionally driven intuitive/feeler/perceiver. The secular world at least had the decency to accept my results as “unique, but normal.” Regardless, I coveted a greater understanding of what might cause my social demeanor to switch without warning.

[During my most recent job interview, I found it comical that the employer was similarly bewildered by my introvert / extrovert results. It's the first time I've ever filled out a profile for a non-ministry position, and the first time I've ever left a non-ministry interview without a job. Coincidence? When we place too much credence in "fitting," the abnormalities present an administrative difficulty.]

However, it was my experience with spiritual gift inventories that stood most prone to confirmation bias; I quickly learned what would be revealed through honest answers. It was in good humor that other prophets made lighthearted jokes about those bearing the burdens of the mercy-giver, and I didn’t have any documented explanation (spiritual or scientific) as to why I should identify with both. It was much easier to hide the fragile (weaker?) gift.

In my study this week, I considered the seemingly oppositional nature of my "motivational" gifts (Romans 12:6-8). What I found should not be particularly earth-shattering in light of Christ's teachings:

As Jesus went on from there, He saw a man named Matthew, sitting in the tax collector's booth; and He said to him, "Follow Me!" And he got up and followed Him.

Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matt. 9:9-13)

In verse 13, Christ quotes Hosea 6. Perhaps a small connection, but my heart immediately stirred. His words in Hosea have always felt closest to how I've known God to reveal Himself when I'm walking in the Spirit. One part terror, one part compassion: it is His romantic pursuit that allows me to feel something other than crazy, as if He stitched me this way for a reason.

What I must explore are the particular attitudes of His people that provoked particular responses from our Father:

What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
For your loyalty is like a morning cloud
And like the dew which goes away early.
Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets;
I have slain them by the words of My mouth;
And the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. (6:4-5)

For I will be like a lion to Ephraim
And like a young lion to the house of Judah.
I, even I, will tear to pieces and go away,
I will carry away, and there will be none to deliver.
I will go away and return to My place
Until they acknowledge their guilt and seek My face;
In their affliction they will earnestly seek Me. (5:14-15)

When Israel was a youth I loved him,
And out of Egypt I called My son.
The more they called them,
The more they went from them;
They kept sacrificing to the Baals
And burning incense to idols.
Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk,
I took them in My arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love,
And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws;
And I bent down and fed them.
They will not return to the land of Egypt;
But Assyria—he will be their king
Because they refused to return to Me.
The sword will whirl against their cities,
And will demolish their gate bars
And consume them because of their counsels.
So My people are bent on turning from Me.
Though they call them to the One on high,
None at all exalts Him.
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned over within Me,
All My compassions are kindled.
I will not execute My fierce anger;
I will not destroy Ephraim again.
For I am God and not man, the Holy One in your midst,
And I will not come in wrath.
They will walk after the Lord,
He will roar like a lion;
Indeed He will roar
And His sons will come trembling from the west.
They will come trembling like birds from Egypt
And like doves from the land of Assyria;
And I will settle them in their houses, declares the Lord. (11:1-11)

Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God,
For you have stumbled because of your iniquity.
Take words with you and return to the Lord.
Say to Him, “ Take away all iniquity
And receive us graciously,
That we may present the fruit of our lips.
“Assyria will not save us,
We will not ride on horses;
Nor will we say again, ‘Our god,’
To the work of our hands;
For in You the orphan finds mercy.”
I will heal their apostasy,
I will love them freely,
For My anger has turned away from them.
I will be like the dew to Israel;
He will blossom like the lily,
And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.
His shoots will sprout,
And his beauty will be like the olive tree
And his fragrance like the cedars of Lebanon.
Those who live in his shadow
Will again raise grain,
And they will blossom like the vine.
His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon. (14:1-7)

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
“Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
"It will come about in that day,” declares the Lord,
“That you will call Me Ishi
And will no longer call Me Baali.
"For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth,
So that they will be mentioned by their names no more.
“In that day I will also make a covenant for them
With the beasts of the field,
The birds of the sky
And the creeping things of the ground.
And I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land,
And will make them lie down in safety.
“I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the Lord." (2:14-20)

Whereas my heart is drawn to righteous anger at the sight of proud idolatry, it is equally aroused with compassion in the presence of the brokenhearted. For the longest time, my least favorite setting was among a church body because I was placed in position to speak judgment or hold my tongue. Seemingly, I had to choose between burning bridges and disobedience. When I read His word, I'm reminded that discomfort is a small price for righteousness, and it is nearly always a necessary precursor for compassion.

Among the brokenhearted, my heart is easily driven towards mercy. This doesn't mean that Truth and rebuke are unnecessary, but the broken are keenly aware of their need for healing. The doctor doesn't need to convince the terminally ill that measures are necessary for survival. They understand the alternative is death; aside from the hands of Something infinitely greater, they are left to the curse of their deeds.

What we ignore in our flesh is His message of healing. We act as doctors among doctors, spending our days in a common office to verify our own health. Outside these walls lie the sick, but despite our extensive education, we fear contagion more than we desire compassion. My frustrated response is apathy -- if the healthy are nothing more than collectors of unless vials, my correction does little more than harden hearts. They believe their reward is deserved and arrogantly praise God for protecting them from infection. They fail to recognize they were already born with a fatal condition and a willing Antidote.

Though I'm inclined to give up, how dare I turn away? How do I disregard His bride as if we haven't made covenant? Indeed, I cannot. I must chase and ravage in hope for her purity. In my firmness I pray for her to come undone, that she might acknowledge her nakedness and blindness and come to be healed. For in her shame I am predisposed to wrap her in my arms and call her mine. This body of the redeemed will shine His glory among the lost like scorching embers. His compassion cannot be resisted.

new post coming Thursday

In the meantime...

1. All I've been thinking about this week is grace, and why God has even bothered to have a relationship with me. It's completely unreasonable. My entire life I've felt like a leper because my acceptance has always been tied to my function. In short, where I am useful, I am beloved. The idea that someone would go out of their way to meet me in my disease is so foreign. It seems the only valid response is their attempting to convince me that I'm not sick or to adore me until I am shown to have fault. I recognize the corruption in expecting a human to love me unconditionally, but my perception is that others have this in their lives. And I so desperately want something tangible as my comfort. But here's the Creator of the universe wanting to be in relationship with me for no other reason than love... it's hard for me to process. But I just want to be near Him, or perpetually nearer.
2. When I quit my job in April, my primary spiritual reason was that I was hiding behind my work as a means to ignore my longing. And it did a fantastic job of it. Since my emotional energy is not fully spent working with the girls, I am forced to be emotionally honest with my heart, which has been terrifying. To be honest is to admit that I feel regretful, rejected, and untouchable. And then I get a glimpse of human acceptance and I want to suffocate the life out of it, because they're certain to bail when they find out I need them as much as they need me. So I tried applying for another job that would mask my needs in the same way, with an employer that many affirmed would be amazed by me. I prayed that I wouldn't be hired despite my qualifications if God didn't want it for me. He intervened, and while I'm not disappointed by answered prayer, I'm continually pushed back into my pain. His grace is not allowing my escape, if that makes any sense. He wants to heal me rather than leave me functional. It's excruciating.
3. I see that it's unreasonable to expect a noble woman would want to be my helper when I haven't determined where I'm going. And I cannot determine where I'm going until I can trust God to lead me into the unknown. I'm not scared of gunshots, robberies, or physical harm, but I'm frightened of being alone... frightened enough to prevent myself from fully running to Him because I'm scared He might not be everything I need Him to be when it's just the two of us. That sounds really ugly when I see it in words.

This and more on Thursday, but I had to get it off my chest before I retired for the evening. As always, I appreciate your prayers.

archives

I published this post last August and needed these words this evening:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ -- to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-10, emphasis added)

I float about quite a few Christian blogs, and I'm amazed by the number of articles about purity that centralize on the issue of sex. I suppose that I should not be surprised: if one utters the word "purity" in any setting, the presumption is made that the speaker is referring to the uncommon guarding of one's virginity. Because we are a culture fixated with sex, this same connotation is assumed in Christian circles as well, in regards to intercourse, pornography, or "lesser" sexual pleasures.

There are circumstances in which sexual purity is specifically addressed in the Greek text (1 Tim. 4:12 and Titus 5:2 for example), but I have to believe that the Holy Spirit can transcend an educated handling of an ancient language to give every believer the proper perspective. We shouldn't have to break out the parallel Bible each time we see "pure" or "purity" to ask ourselves if Jesus, Paul, or Peter are talking about sex.

Despite our obsession, something much greater is at stake than our sexuality. We have given our hearts to many idols, and each is as certain to kill us as the next. When Paul asks us to be "pure and blameless," he makes it clear that this righteousness can only come from Christ, but this is still to be our aim. If this was nothing more than a decision to remain sexually pure, I would have lived purely and blamelessly my entire life. Trust me, I haven't. My sexual purity is far from my most difficult act of obedience.

Paul's prayer is that the church would begin to discern on their own how to live blamelessly. He could have written hundreds of these letters and established another law, but it would not have served the church anymore than Moses's Law served Israel. God's intent since creation was that His people -- however He determines "His people" within a particular age -- would manifest His glory through praise and holy living. This is the point of it all. Every act of obedience trails back to this intent. This is why living according to a moral standard or upholding some justice to society is of little use in itself: if that standard does not reflect His glory, we have missed the point. We have drawn attention to our own good deeds, but we have not set ourselves apart for His noble purpose.

It is through the Holy Spirit that we are granted the insight and knowledge to know what is pure. We can listen to the secular world or the church's arguments for or against particular acts, but those abounding in love and intimacy with Christ will not be deceived by that which isn't His best. Again, purity and holiness is not an issue of what is common, or even what the church allows. The pursuit of holiness is the continual shedding of things that are not God -- He does not categorize anything in scripture as "neutral." Are there common acts that do not kill our bodies or grieve the Spirit? Yes. We partake in them everyday. But these same acts bring us no closer to manifesting His glory, and this is the only thing that matters in the end! In abounding in love, purity, and righteousness, He would have these removed as well.

Let us not define purity by what it is not. While certain acts may reflect or speak of our purity, it is less about what we do or abstain from, and more a condition of the heart. This condition is served by our willingness to come before Christ and ask Him to make us clean. The power of His blood has already been poured out upon us. Our struggle in purity is not with this earth. It is a question of lordship: to whom would you give your heart?

God has never been impressed with lip service. Likewise, we can do all the good deeds in the world and neglect the idolatry of our heart. If we say that we serve God, but our lives reflect a different "glory," then we are deceiving ourselves. We have made a god of ourselves (and our "purity"), and have handed ourselves to the lordship of the condemned. How can we claim to love Him and not love the things (and people) that He does? How can we claim to serve Him and never stand in His presence? How can we accept His grace and bear no testimony of a life redeemed? How do we glorify Him with closed mouths?

The pure condition is continually looking for opportunities to demonstrate Him to the world. This is where I conclude that while purity has nothing to do with sex, it in fact has everything to do with sex in context with this culture. If God would have us be set apart for His purpose, there is no deed more common than sexual obsession. We cannot run from it if we tried. Therefore, what deed more greatly represents the pure heart than a rejection of our culture's obsession? I do not glorify God because I manage to abstain -- anyone can abstain in their flesh. I abstain because it speaks of His truth, which allows me to shed light among a dying world. And this speaks of His glory.

And so do many other things: selflessness, patience, peace, and the like. All of these are products of the clean and blameless life, and cannot be pursued or found outside of the presence of Christ. In seeking purity, we must refrain from cutting out the "middle man," which is in fact the Foundation -- Christ himself! Find purity in the daily richness of His presence, and discern what is good through the depth of His love.

gifts (pt. 1)

Somewhere in this jumbled mess called a brain rests five posts on 1 Cor. 12. Personally, I feel that chapter 12 is best understood in context with 13 and 14 (as they are with 12), so it may be closer to seventeen posts! Let us alleviate my stress level by beginning with one, then we’ll see where the writing road leads.

One truth I’ve grown to understand is that our enemy does not create. Satan would have us believe that he has ownership of the finer things and nothing could be further from the truth. He’s the quintessential rip-off artist: introducing something valuable as if he’s the author, attempting to sell it hastily at a discount, finally leading us to believe that we’d be crazy to walk away from what we “deserve.” It’s usually too late before we realize that the rip-off had nothing on the original.

When it comes to identifying our purpose, Satan loves for us to become so absorbed by self that we dismiss the spiritual objective. I decided a few years ago to cease administering spiritual gift inventories. Many claim to find usefulness in these questionnaires; I’ve seen them do more harm than good. Like other leadership branding devices, they aim to direct us towards our individual purpose within an established work. Though the results typically verify the obvious, humans have the disagreeable tendency to covet a spiritual identity outside the gifts’ intended use: as a loving service to others.

Paul addresses our potential for “gift corruption” in 13:1-3. The outward gift manifested for the sake of one’s self is nothing but insensitive noise. Whether we define our spiritual gifts or not, our ministry has been authored by our Father, as His children and as ambassadors of Christ. Our identity rests in this mind-blowing privilege rather than any individual manifestation that elevates our position. A gift exercised to build or preserve one’s esteem can only result in corruption.

…Especially in a day when so much emphasis and so much pressure is put on us to esteem ourselves, I kind of go, wow -- I don’t know how anyone can wake up with morning breath and pillow head and feel any self-esteem. That is not the sort of thing I want to put my faith in. And in the church… it is unbelievable to me that this whole foolishness about esteeming yourself has leaked into the church. I kind of go “Christ didn’t ask us to esteem ourselves.”

I think if Christ were asked, I think he’d probably say, “Look buddy, you would be lucky if you could forget yourself. If you could lose yourself, you would be luckier than if you found yourself.” It would be wonderful if you knew the names of the trees between your house and where you work, between your house and your church. If you knew that that was a tulip tree ad you knew that that was a red bud. It would be great if you knew something about your neighbors. It would be a lucky thing if you forgot yourself, if you lost yourself.

-- Rich Mullins

You may ask, “If we are to forget ourselves in regards to gifts, how are we to develop them?” We must bear in mind that just as spiritual gifts are offered by the Holy Spirit, they are exercised when walking in the Spirit. I’m reminded of this passage:

We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and we will assure our heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. (1 John 3:16-22, emphasis added)

Our gifts are made known through love, sacrifice, and diligence, and we are able to make requests to our Father in full confidence once our hearts align with His. We mustn’t study the spiritual gifts for self-discovery, but for an understanding of their use; we will learn and know the Spirit’s inclinations on a particular heart through action. As we minister in love, the gifts become fully evident, for it is Christ (and not the corruption) that manifests the personal leanings within us. The pure Church begins to trust and accept the gifts we find in one another, having the luxury of associating these blessings to the God who moved us to minister.

In summary, it is by obedience to His work rather than standardized evaluation that we identify His offerings. For both you and I, these proclivities are subject to corruption when exercised in our flesh for personal gain or preservation. Herein lies the dichotomy of the two choices God has laid before me. The next few posts will expose my fears one at a time.

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GIFT #1: APOSTLE -- A life of sacrifice vs. a life of isolation

2nd grading period: ‘Anthony is doing better at paying attention and getting his work done and turned in, but every several weeks, he quits again and I get after him. He has SO much ability.’

3rd grading period: ‘Anthony continues to work well. He is doing better in controlling his talking and his organizational skills. I’m pleased with his progress. What a guy!’

4th grading period: ‘I’ve enjoyed keeping after Anthony this year! I’ll miss his wit and intelligence next year. He is one in a million. His mind is constantly spinning.’

-- Mrs. Reed and Mrs. O‘Connor, 4th grade teachers

23 years later, I can’t help but think I’m still that frustrating kid. Throughout elementary school I managed to be one of my teachers’ favorites while requiring continual discipline. They knew it wasn’t personal -- the same mind that they loved was incapable of being contained within the four walls of a classroom. Writing, reading, illustrating, socializing… any activity that developed my mind outside the prescribed regiment was infinitely more interesting. When a kid isn’t doing the required work, how do you convince him to complete the task without discouraging the learning drive that serves as its greatest distraction?

Mrs. Reed was perceptive enough to accelerate me following the first quarter. She had to make it a game. In anticipation of our school’s new honors program, I was asked to complete 4th grade grammar and English in two weeks. She stacked hundreds of worksheet packets on my desk and asked me to finish them by the deadline. By presenting a challenge, Mrs. Reed elicited some untapped diligence. The majority of my teachers were never willing to deviate and only aimed to fix me. Life has been a continual struggle to convince myself that I was never broken.

My discipler Terry once said that dormant apostles are most easily found in jail. I’ve since come to believe this. In its deepest corruption, the foundational question “why?” can lead to rebellion or a complete disregard for authority. It’s not that apostles think they’re always right, but they are always willing to investigate whether something could be wrong. A good church historian would admit that the greatest moves of God have occurred when one of His men were willing to investigate.

My own spiritual journey began with investigation:

• What if I could experience more of God’s presence than what I’ve found in the grandest worship setting?
• Why are many kids raised in the church biblically illiterate and spiritually apathetic?
• Who’s responsibility is it to make disciples?
• If the lost aren’t among us, where are they, and why aren’t we with them?
• Since Jesus speaks of His Kingdom in black and white, why did we determine that varying levels of commitment are acceptable?
• Where is the narrow road -- why do few find it?
  
• What is purity? What is grace?

In a country where love is equated with acceptance, we are taught that we should not criticize something we love. Truth is, I love the church more than you could possibly imagine. One of the reasons marriage is such a mysterious and magnificent concept to me is because it models how Christ loves His Church. When I consider the painstaking measures that our Father takes to purify and correct His Bride, I wonder how we can accept a church that does not fulfill its purpose? Should we have a stray word, we are told to mind our manners because we are insulting an institution that Christ loves. But if my wife went running after other lovers, wouldn’t I rebuke and correct, because I love her? Wouldn’t I do whatever it takes to draw her back? Since the fall, our Father has empowered men to prophecy words of reform and privileged them to lead His people back to purity through new movements of His Spirit. The reformation of the church is a loving act!

My roommate is into politics. A lot. This is not such an awful thing, but should he recognize the flaws on both sides of the political aisle, he would continue to invest his life in making America better. For me, this seems fruitless, but it seems fruitless because I do not love America as he loves America. Reforming the political system is of little consequence to me. My roommate pleads for change because something he loves is at risk. Therefore, it is not those who desire reformation, but those apathetic about its corruption that demonstrate disregard.

The most unloving act is to invest nothing in a growing relationship. Should our defense for the church rest purely out of preservation rather than love, we will see no improvement. The one that loves the church will accept nothing less of His bride than Her intent: to reveal the glory of God to all creation. This is my heart, and I'm recognizing that the dramatic line between love and rebellion is His Spirit. I’ve watched many with apostolic hearts fall to bitterness or pride; in our flesh, the enemy wants us to exert so much energy convincing others we are right that we disregard the diligence required to build on a good Foundation. As a result of His call on my life, I’ve embraced a minimalist lifestyle and been willing to leave friends and family to do the work He has called me to do. I share this as a grace -- God alone has given me a fondness for travel and exploration that allows me to endure a sometimes lonely existence.

While my loneliness is not a sin, employing it is a crutch or an excuse has been. If I love Jesus (and as an extension, His Bride) enough to offer everything I possess for His kingdom, this is for the sake of others and not myself. I cannot boast of my humble situation as an unwilling martyr, as if God is forcing me to make these sacrifices and those who have not are horrible Christians. Rather, I must remain joyfully obedient to whatever He asks of me, in grace and privilege that He would invite me at all, and call others according to the Word He has given us.

I struggle with this. When I face rejection on account of the call, my knee-jerk reaction is to flee to Tarshish like Jonah or refute the opportunity for a pure assembly like Elijah. The same heart that allows me to move to the center of God’s work with little discomfort permits me to run solo whenever it has been hurt or denied. Satan is so quick to convince me that I‘m a victim, because this drives a wedge between God’s will and His sovereignty. When things do not turn out as they should because of iniquity or disobedience, I forget that He redeems. I want to disqualify those who ignored His call because they disqualified me. Let me tell you, friends: whenever we take ministerial pain personally, subtly waiting is the open door to bitterness.

Again, here’s the Spirit-led line: God wants us to grieve His peoples' sin. The greatest rebuke He had against the Jewish priesthood was that they disregarded the corruption because physical needs were being met. That’s a direct correlation to where we are as an American church; most of us wouldn’t even argue that. But whereas my flesh is ready to strike the rock out of frustration like Moses, God would have me chasten the believers in my life and offer the opportunity for repentance. Will all repent? No. Allow Christ to separate them from the fold. Trust me, if you begin doing the things that Christ has asked of you in scripture and continue calling them to the same life, it won’t take long for the complacent to feel mighty uncomfortable in His presence. The complacent dwell wherever it is permitted.

In a perfect world, I would never have to ask anything of anyone -- everyone would minister according to their own gifts without lesson or frustration. I could leap into new works without the fear of rejection or ridiculously foolish justification of my “friends.” Step one for embracing my gift is accepting that Jesus knew my world wasn’t perfect before He called me. He’s bigger than my obstacles.

rejection

Some days I wonder if I should stop listening. Just when I think my status as an eligible and attractive Christian man could possibly return to normal, God throws me another curve. I don’t mean to infer that God teases me, but it’s as if He enjoys speaking through ignored passages of scripture to remind me, “The world accepts [this]; I‘m not going to allow you to do that.” This usually leads to this exchange:

ME: Seriously?

GOD: Yes.

ME: But women are going to think I’m crazy!

GOD: Okay?

ME: Even Christian women are going to think I’m sexist.

GOD: I created male and female. What concern is it of creation how I determine what is glorifying to me?

ME: Please don’t ask me to share this.

GOD: …

ME: I’m never getting married… You know this, right?

GOD: …

At this point I realize that God has said everything He needed to say, isn’t asking for my opinion, and obedience is on me.

Today’s ‘this’ is about hair. That’s right, hair.

“How charmingly insignificant!” you might say.

About a month ago, a female friend and I were discussing all that ails modern pop, which led to a rant about Taylor Swift and her incapacity to write about anything but boys. I gladly offered my two cents (or in this case, three).

“Yeah. Can’t sing. Not really even attractive. She has nice hair.”

Playfully aggravated by my response, my friend asked, “What is it with guys and hair?”

Mind you, I thought I was making a neutral observation. Sure, a guy should be fair game for criticism when he makes comments about a woman’s breasts or butt, but hair? Perhaps I was unaware of a general prohibition on anything pro-T.Swift :)

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I was noting the crazy-awesome nature of a woman’s smile this past week and confessed to my roommate that I’m usually more of an “eyes guy.” He replied, “Yeah, different characteristics jump out at you depending on the woman, but have you ever been physically attracted to a woman that didn’t have nice hair?”

Admittedly, I had not.

“Right. I’ve had this conversation with a lot of guys, and I haven’t met one that didn’t consider a woman’s hair in what he finds most attractive. Nor have I met any that preferred short hair over long hair. Not to say that there aren’t attractive women with short hair, but even those women would probably be more attractive with long hair.”

I couldn’t argue with his superficial reasoning.

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Minding my own spiritual business prior to Bible Study, I skimmed through 1 Corinthians 11, fully prepared to disregard all the archaic ideas about head coverings and hair…

What’s that? Did you say hair? [Run now, Anthony!]

Like a mouse caught in a trap filled with Mini Reese’s Cup, God’s word snapped to my brain.

However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God. Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him, but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her? For her hair is given to her for a covering. (1 Cor. 11:11-15)

I thought about my good female Mennonite friends -- they cover their heads out of honor. Until this past spring, it never occurred to me that this could be accepted outside of proud legalism. By getting to know the hearts of my co-workers, I grew amazed by how humbly they wear their tiny coverings. It’s simply a part of who they are: a symbol of their femininity before a culture that has largely rejected what makes women unique. I think it’s beautiful.

Mind you, I’m not ready to convert. I’m not going to offer the conviction that women should cover their heads and men should uncover theirs -- I’ve been a hat-wearer my entire life! But I’m beginning to understand why one would lend that offering.

It was a different phrase that leaped from the page of my dog-eared companion.

Does not even nature itself…?

Five simple words transformed this passage from a lawful regulation to an eyesight of the Father. Nature itself: spiritually elemental and humanly inexplicable. These are the questions that we do not need to ask the Father, for they have been this way from the beginning. Paul is asking the Corinthians, “Do I really need to convince you that a woman’s hair demonstrates the glory of God and a man’s does not? Look at it! Even the hormones that men and women produce are catalysts for this principle!”

I began peering around the McDonald’s Playplace that hosts our study. Little ones were running about: girls with their lengthened locks danced around as they played, while the boys instinctively pressed the physical limits of the steel and plastic holding the park together. They demonstrated such joy in their play and acceptance of one another. They didn’t mind being exactly who they are.

God created them and He was glorified.

Does not even nature itself…?

We know it when we see it. I’m not talking about superficial beauty, but the kind of expression that undoubtedly points towards Him. As I thought about hair, I realized that my heart naturally gravitates towards purely feminine characteristics. They astound me! I would expect this to be the same for women regarding masculine traits. The soft reassurance of her voice, the proximity in her steps, the sensitivity of her heart… she’s the perfect companion for a grand adventure. Her beauty reminds me of Him.

The modern woman’s shedding of hair is merely a physical rejection among her uniquely feminine attributes. It doesn’t mean much in itself. A woman will often shorten her hair for practical reasons. She might believe it helps her look older, professional, or more sophisticated… less like the unassuming girl dancing around the playground. And while I wouldn’t necessarily disagree, I admit that I don’t care for any of this. Few men do -- it’s not what draws us. We spend our day wrestling with our own acceptance of masculinity and often concede to women claiming our stake. Rejection comes in pairs.

Does not even nature itself…?

Somewhere amidst our wounds we’ve decided that we’re inadequate: that we need to try a little harder and become something better. If only we were taller, thinner, more intelligent, more mature, less moody, less childlike… less us… In rejecting ourselves, we reject what is obvious to the external eye. Femininity, masculinity -- these unique representations of God that manifest themselves through creation -- they demonstrate His glory like nothing else on earth. And that makes us very good.

[Don’t I feel silly for being insecure about my receding hairline?]

suffering

This is the closest I’ll come to revisiting 1 Cor. 7. I planned to ignore it completely, but a multitude of conversations led to some spiritual truth that I felt inclined to share. Whether these words are meaningful for another or I have organized these thoughts for my own benefit, I pray that I’ve found understanding.

A number of friends have broached the church’s divorce epidemic as of late, and I wonder if our “attitude pendulum” has not swung too far. It wasn’t long ago that a Christian getting a divorce was taboo; neither was it uncommon for those who had been divorced to feel unwelcome within a church body. I’m not encouraging a return to the latter. Clearly, it is our responsibility to exercise grace upon lives bent towards redemption and reconciliation with Christ.

While it is not in our best interest to administer law upon a believer redeemed and set free from an unsavory past, we overstep the precision of truth when we make martyrs of divorcees for their decision to leave difficult marriages. I’ve recently seen this occur at an alarming rate. When a loved one leaves an unloving marriage, it has become natural for believers to support the decision based on the relief of suffering. We acknowledge that the divorcee may be better positioned to serve God outside of the struggling marriage than within the burden of irreconcilable differences, selfishness, adultery (whether physical or emotional) or outright abuse. We praise the “strength” exhibited when the better party has found the determination to move on with his or her life.

Understand that I’m not advocating the acceptance of abuse. It is perfectly reasonable for a woman married to an abusive man to grab the children, leave the household, and never return. Likewise, stories of other believers’ adultery make me sick enough to my stomach that I can hardly fathom the thought of reconciling with my wife were this committed against me. I recognize this in my flesh, at least in regards to the worst-case scenario. However, a physical separation made in good judgment does not justify a position to break spiritual covenant with a spouse or with God Himself. Even a separation due to drastic circumstance is not an allowance for remarriage, or as scripture refers to it: adultery.

Jesus doesn’t contend with this being a difficult teaching. In the narrative found in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, Christ explains that divorce was never instituted by God, but was permitted because the people were hard-hearted. He distinguishes what is physically lawful from what is spiritually binding. I love the black and white response:

The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” (Matthew 19:10)

Yes! Make no bones about it: this relationship is not a light commitment!

[I’ve often wondered how the disciples thought the relationship was designed to operate. Perhaps they had never given it much thought because divorce had become an accepted practice. Oh, dear.]

When Christians file for divorce, most would conclude that the other party broke the marriage covenant first, justifying their “release“ from their marriage. After all, this is how legal matters operate. When a binding agreement is made between two business partners, that contract becomes null and void should one participant break his end of the arrangement. Due process is considered before this occurs, so that each individual knows the ramifications of terminating the contract.

What divorcees fail to recognize is that the marriage covenant was never theirs to break. Yes, husband and wife are bound together, but they are bound together by God! Guess who’s not breaking His end of the covenant…

We cannot forget what is most honoring to Him. Knowing that God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16) -- an attitude only attributed to our Father regarding idolatry, injustice to the poor, and deceiving one another -- would He prefer a man or woman to willingly commit this sin so that He might be served more effectively? Or would He be more honored by the spouse that endures a lifetime of suffering to the detriment of a “greater” ministry? What I know of God is that the ends never justify the means. The only justifiable action is obedience.

I don’t express it often enough, but my mom is an amazing woman. Understand that due to his own painful experiences, there are times in which my dad is incredibly difficult to love. Between the unforgiveness, the continual perception of being slighted, and the jealousy he harbors for my mother’s time, loving him is a full-time job. When he pulled out of the church, my mom held the burden of keeping my brother and I spiritually fed. During this season, she couldn’t involve herself in functions that contributed to her own spiritual health or develop deep friendships. If she spent too much time away from the house (or too much time on the phone), my dad would get upset or accusatory. Looking back, nearly every unjust argument in our household could be attributed to his desire to keep us together and maintain my mom’s position as the only steady thing in his life.

To her credit, marriage has always been a choice. I’m sure it’s been frustrating following Christ by herself. I’m certain that every prayer pleading for my dad’s salvation has come at the cost of denying another ministry. Had she left my father years ago, she could have easily married a man that loved God and made her feel appreciated. She’d have been unified with a body of believers that encouraged her gifts and offered emotional support. By most physical standards, her life may have been better.

But this much I know: in spite of my dad’s spiritual bondage, he loves my mom and there’s not a chance that he would leave her. And she loves him… she loves him enough to forego everything else to keep their marriage healthy. Would God be more honored by my mother bringing 100 people to Christ as a divorced woman? For me, the answer is rhetorical; we have a sorry habit of measuring the wrong criteria. It’s irrelevant what God may have had in store had my mom never married my dad. Her greatest act of obedience is fulfilling the covenant made between the two of them and God.

Here’s where this chapter comes full circle with me. In light of what I wrote about idolatry, there’s always been the opportunity for a more physically gratifying life. Thousands of Christians fall into temptation every day -- should I justify breaking one commandment to end years of sexual frustration, I would be in good company. Better men than I have fallen and recovered to lead successful ministries. The hour of condemnation would pass, and I wouldn’t have the standard of purity hanging over my head any longer.

During my previous study, I was frustrated by the lack of modern context within Paul’s teaching. An American man in the 21st century does not have the luxury of marrying to satisfy his desire because he wants it. There are a million free will decisions that Paul’s contemporaries never had to consider. What if a woman never reciprocates my love? What if I’ve aged to the point that the majority of my female peers have already given themselves to another man? What if my innocence becomes despised or a catalyst for a woman’s shame, even when I do not hold a sexual past against her? What if obedience leads to a life of suffering?

I’m thankful for the words of C.S. Lewis:

I do not say that you and I are individually responsible for the present situation. Our ancestors have handed over to us organisms which are warped in this respect: and we grow up surrounded by propaganda in favour of unchastity. There are people who want to keep our sex instinct inflamed in order to make money out of us. Because, of course, a man with an obsession is a man who has very little sales-resistance. God knows our situation; He will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them…

When an adolescent or an adult is engaged in resisting a conscious desire, he is not dealing with a repression nor is he in the least danger of creating a repression. On the contrary, those who are seriously attempting chastity are more conscious, and soon know a great deal more about their own sexuality than anyone else. They come to know their desires as Wellington knew Napoleon, or as Sherlock Holmes knew Moriarty; as a rat-catcher knows rats or a plumber knows about leaky pipes. Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog.

-- From Mere Christianity, emphasis added

I must remember that should this world do me no favors, my Father will consider every question that Paul could not foresee. I will not be judged as a man with a lawful or willing outlet for my sexuality. God will not condemn me in my suffering as He would in my justification of sin. While there are no guarantees that God will allow me to end the suffering, I must recognize that He will be glorified according to my obedience. Should my life serve as nothing more than a thankless symbol -- should I be the man that never exploits the opportunity for a quick kiss, that teaches a teenage girl or young lady how to trust again, that models for men the sort of husband I believe we should be -- He will receive His honor and I must find my joy in Him.

freedom

My timeline with alcohol:

In 33 years, I have never seen my parents drink. There was never a drop of alcohol in our house and I was raised in a church with people of similar conviction. Here in Northern Indiana, certain practices are associated with “sinners.” Michiana bars reflect this -- they’re as trashy as they come. Believers assuming the freedom to partake often do so conspicuously in a private residence: while recognizing that their behavior is considered sinful by the general public, they openly test the waters to see how their brethren might respond to their "rebellion," always ready and willing to defend themselves. I find this behavior silly and childish.

I abstained from drinking through college. In the tradition of the Mennonite/Amish/Anabaptist conservatism surrounding us, Bethel College has students sign a covenant upon admission that discards this right. Unlike many students, I held to the covenant through school session and summer. It wasn’t that I gave a lick whether a 21 or 22-year-old student drinks a glass of beer; I determined that the integrity of my word was worth something greater. Were Bethel’s expectations an issue for me, I could have attended one of a million other schools.

[This is my general attitude concerning chosen authority. If you have an issue submitting to authority, you need a new authority or a changed heart. Perhaps you need both. You have no right to complain about poor or inconvenient decisions made by an authority whom you have chosen, particularly if you must neutralize your complaint with a defense of your willingness to submit. If your complaint is valid and refuses to be addressed, leave. If your complaint is not meaningful enough to leave, shut your mouth. Tangent complete.]

A couple friends from my graduating class shared my first drink with me: a Killian’s Irish Red on the Monday following our commencement. Having never made a practice of drinking or seeing people drink, I limited my experience to a glass or two over the next five years. I moved to Missouri on Labor Day of 2006 -- the native attitude towards alcohol couldn’t have been further from my homeland’s.

Having never held a strong conviction against the moderate consumption of alcohol and having never exposed myself to the sin of drunkenness, I regularly shared a happy hour pint with my unbelieving co-workers. Since returning to Indiana 2 1/2 years ago, this freedom has returned to prolonged periods of abstinence. Some might wonder why. Am I afraid of being seen? Am I concerned with what my friends may think of me? Would it be a sin to drink in one location as opposed to another?

Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know. But whoever loves God is known by God.

So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that “An idol is nothing at all in the world” and that “There is no God but one.” For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”), yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.

But not everyone possesses this knowledge. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat sacrificial food they think of it as having been sacrificed to a god, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do.

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if someone with a weak conscience sees you, with all your knowledge, eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother or sister, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall. (1 Cor. 8)

Those who know me recognize that I'm not too concerned with others' perceptions of me. I live in such a way as to have a clear conscience before God -- in this way, many of my behaviors may seem less conservative than my Christian friends while others are more restrictive. If I drink, work on Sunday, or date a younger woman, I'm confident that loved ones recognize me as a person of integrity and of pure motivation. When other Christians cringe on my behalf out of concern for how I might be perceived by others within my culture, I tell them to worry about themselves.

That said, when it comes to physical things, I partake in knowledge while abstaining by love and conviction. It is by knowing God (and secondly knowing myself) that I determine what freedoms are available to me. It would be unrighteous and arrogant of me to justify my freedom in opposition to your conviction. For what is an earthly freedom to me on the day of judgment? If I abstain from alcohol because of what others may perceive, I do so out of fear or shame. However, should I abstain for the sake of my brother or sister, I demonstrate love through the dismissal of my freedom.

I think it's the church's knee-jerk reaction to justify itself when confronted with issues of freedom. We want to demonstrate that God has privileged us to drink beer, eat bacon, cover (or uncover) our heads, share a frontal hug, make dinner on Sunday, or allow a woman to speak in church. Paul's contemporaries may have stumbled over sacrificed food and circumcision, but the principle is the same. There is no greater privilege than to share in the crown of Christ's glory with fellow believers, and no freedom is worth disunity on account of well-reasoned justification. I pray that if any freedom causes a brother or sister to stumble, even if exercised in clear conscience, I might approach with the grace of releasing that freedom.

honestly...

I can't write about 1 Corinthians 7. Not again, not yet. I've read it, I tried, but I believe God must show me something about myself before I am ready to understand Paul's point of view within our modern context. I think Paul is incredibly right, I just don't know that men have any control over these matters for it to make a difference. Except the bit in verse 36... commit already!

As for the cut and dry part: believers, don't leave your wives and husbands. That's a hard enough lesson for the church these days. The end. :)

idolatry

Confession: I suck at moderation.

I can only maintain self-control through abstinence: food, sex, gambling, hobbies, work, rest, relationships… loving Jesus… you name it. When I order a pizza, I plan to eat it all. When I compete, I play to win. I beat my body as I work (and crash hard when I finish). I cannot love a little, enjoy a little, sacrifice a little, or offer a little of my time. My compulsive personality draws me to the fullness of Christ and is tempted toward the depth of despair.

I’d hoped that maturity would even the scales, placing me at a disciplined equilibrium that says “no” to the second half of the Cool Ranch Doritos bag. Not so much. Others consider me to be mature, primarily because I’ve learned to abstain from most unsavory vices, moreover receiving praise for the indulgences that are God honoring.

[True story: I’ve often wondered if God has spared me from a relationship because there would be no end to my verbal and physical affection. Getting married would be like untying the knot of a running fire hose that has been kinked for 33 years. I wish I was joking… no woman should be subject to that.]

Scripture has surprised me. Nowhere does God’s word promote moderation. I looked and looked again, expecting to find humble rebuke for my personality. Plenty of passages endorse self-control and abstinence, as we’re commanded not to be ruled by unrighteous indulgence. But the concept of moderation as a pursuit is Aristotalean rather than biblical. When are we going to stop modeling our lives after the Greeks?!?

What if there’s merit in the black-and-white lifestyle? What if none at all is truly better than a little?

As I was cleaning the espresso machine Saturday night, I watched couple after couple stroll past the storefront -- holding hands, laughing, making non-verbal gestures, etc. A good part of me wanted that, if only for an evening: the simplicity of a good time with no expectations or immediate repercussions. I stopped by Applebees on the way home and made chit-chat with an enjoyable 30-something barkeep. Subtly attractive and pleasant, I knew how easy it would be to gratify my immediate desires by asking her on a date. I could convince myself that a spiritual connection was unnecessary because I wasn’t planning to make it sexual.

Funny that while moderation never accompanied spiritual maturity, these are the sort of worldly justifications that have been laid to waste. This woman’s kiss could never be just a kiss. The scent of her hair and the softness of her skin could not be drunk without the sin of idolatry. It would never satisfy and I know it. The compulsive design that God has geared towards mesmerized allegiance to Him would be undermined by placing something else ahead of His word.

“Everything is permissible for me” -- but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me” -- but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Cor. 6:12, NIV)

This verse has always spoken volumes to me. It’s a simple concept, but how often do we justify our behaviors by what is permitted by the world (or the church) as opposed to what we have to gain? If I muster the restraint to deny myself the second half of the Doritos bag, thus enjoying the first half in clear conscience, have I gained anything? [Besides bad breath?] Not really. I have partaken of an action that gratified an immediate desire and have nothing to show for it in the end. Should I restrain myself, I have no less desire for the second half of the bag -- I bear the fruit of dissatisfaction and frustration, same as any less accepted idol.

Paul continues his letter by discussing the danger of “immorality.” Old school translations prefer the term “fornication”; the NIV, NKJV, and NLT have modernized to “sexual immorality.” The Greek word is porneia, accurately described to be “illicit sexual intercourse,” but is used metaphorically by Paul to refer to idol worship in Acts 15. I like the NASB translation of 1 Cor. 6, because I think it offers a wider context for the point Paul is trying to make:

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the stomach, and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through his power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Cor. 6:9-20)

My roommate and I were discussing idolatry the other day, and I mentioned how much I liked Neal Anderson’s material -- idolatry is defined as anything removed from its proper place to be positioned ahead of God. Jesse offered a more “Tozeresque” explanation:

“I think it’s simpler than that. When the Father is understood in His appropriate place, everything else can’t help but be lessened.”

Thus, idolatry is not defined by the lifting up of other things, but by lowering the expectation of who we believe God to be. Ever wonder why Aaron saw it fitting to construct a golden calf? The Israelites no longer believed God to be who He is. Had they considered the God that brought about the plagues, delivered them across the sea, or provided manna in the desert, the calf would have seemed ridiculous!

This jives with Paul’s words about mastery. Whether through sex or another idol, if I believe that God is less than I’ve known Him to be, less than He claims to be in scripture, less than the physical desires of my heart, etc… I will prostitute myself away from the Christ that has made covenant with my body.

One characteristic of an addict is that he/she will often replace one addiction for another upon remission. This explains why my struggle with lust went on hiatus during my romantic relationships. Yes, I took pride (and fear) in the fact that my relationships kept me sexually pure. In hindsight, I had merely replaced one idol for another: the idealized fantasy of sexual sin for the well-intended affection of a woman. The common thread was a lack of belief that God had my best interest in mind or knew how to bless me with what I needed.

Let us explore the magnitude of having been washed, sanctified, and justified in Jesus! While many things are available to serve as “harmless” idols, we can rid ourselves of these masters through our intimacy with Him. No other lover will suffice once we’ve tasted the goodness of our Heavenly Father. Of that which is physical, only that which reminds you of Him is worth our compulsion. Let our relationships, hobbies, and work be considered through our love for Him. I’m reminded of a hymn written 90 years ago:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

-- From “The Heavenly Vision,” by Helen Lemmel

judgment

When I was seven, the church I grew up in decided to find a new pastor. The rationale was probably less than spiritual -- hard to say, seeing that I was seven. Anyway... having received my spiritual diet from the same man through eleven years of childhood and adolescence, I remember exactly three sermons. The first and second were Sunday night messages on eschatology and generational shifts -- interesting, but not exactly life-changing material. The third was on the front end of a church split.

My pastor could easily be described as passionate, but I never found myself passionate about the same things. Amidst the innocence of my high school Christianity, an ugly division was occurring at my church. A deacon began a sexual affair with a family member of another congregant. This deacon's brother (also a deacon) had an employment-related falling out with another congregant, who happened to be friends with the family affected by the initial impropriety. As I blindly attended youth group every Sunday and Wednesday, our leadership was being split at the seam.

Behind the public scene, our pastor had ineffectively addressed the issues with the parties involved. Imagine my surprise on a random Sunday morning when our pastor called out the sin to the congregation! I will never forget these words:

"You can fire me tomorrow for what I must say, but this Body cannot tolerate corruption."

[Or something like that.]

A couple thoughts crossed my mind: 1) A pastor can be fired for doing his job? 2) Why was I unaware that there was sin in the camp? 3) What happened to our awesome deacon's wife? [Sudden realization that I hadn't seen her in weeks; she used to be my junior high leader.] 4) Who are these people that attend my church?

The fourth question rang the loudest. If I can go to a church for eighteen years and not know the people's hearts or struggles, is something lacking?

BTW: Our church was growing. Just months before we had wrestled with adding a service and were on the verge of hiring a full-time associate pastor. We had every reason from our pew seats to believe that we were moving in the right direction. I was proud to be a member of my church.

Most of you do not like what Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 5, even if you don't know it yet. If you read it as God's word, and you should, it'll get under your skin. I would guess that 95% of American believers do not attend a church that operates according to this passage, which leaves the American church open to a corruption that Christ did not orchestrate or intend. We can justify it or we can deal with it.

Brothers and sisters: if you love the Church, deal with it!

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has is father's wife. And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a batch without yeast -- as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth.

I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people -- not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the reedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, and idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you." (1 Cor. 4, emphasis added)

My first thought is how backwards the church has become. We have no problem exercising judgment on those that do not claim to hold to the teachings of Christ. We want to change American laws and call out the media for their blatant disregard of Christian values. To this I say, what should we expect of the lost but to behave like the lost? The same was true in the Old Testament: God never asked His people to condemn the pagans for their practices; he was concerned with the Jews for adopting them, as if they hadn't been set apart for holy living.

A few summers ago, I reconnected with one of the girls (Lauren) that used to work on my camp staff. She had always been a brilliant girl; she admittedly struggled to connect with other female Christians because she felt "above" them. While in college, she began a relationship with a male believer and the two fell into sin. During this season, her boyfriend began attending a scripturally sound church and received strong rebuke regarding their relationship. As a result, she began attending the church purely out of obligation. Here are her words:

...There is so much I could say. I can't understand what happened but I do know that God used my sin, my idol of Andrew [her boyfriend] to keep me going to church and eventually He freed me from it. We broke up in January. Andrew didn't repent, he is in another relationship and has left the church -- to the surprise of many people. He was living with men from the church by this point and they followed scripture to the point of not eating with him. This was really hard to watch, I saw my own sin and didn't understand why God hardened his heart. I had a really hard time submitting to the people who were leading me at this point and continually commanded me not to talk to him after we broke up, trusting God's sovereignty and letting Him lead me. I only stayed at the church after we broke up because they were the only people who really loved me in my life and I was so broken and humbled that God could teach me.

These last 8ish months have been so painful and so glorious. God has been disciplining me over and over and bringing my sin to light. And I finally know myself as a sinner and God as God. It took quite a few months of rote obedience before God gave me pieces of understanding. God is my rock and I fail so much to obey but the fruit of obedience is wonderful and I'm so thankful for what God saved me from (by now on our plan Andrew and I would have been married almost a month).

Lauren continued to submit to the leadership of this body and grew in grace. The church's willingness to operate under scripture allowed her to approach God in humility for the first time and eventually led her to meeting her future husband under pure circumstances.

That said, this teaching is hard. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. If the American church began operating under this passage, we would lose a lot of people. The majority would find it impractical -- even if we desired to know the hearts of our people well enough to know their sin, most growing churches are designed in such a way that leadership doesn't even know the names of every congregant.

Here's my take: if the structure is the barrier to exercising this passage, then the structure is corrupt, not the passage. Tear it down! A spirit-filled pastor can give a sound message every single week (and many do), but if he does not know the hearts of his people, the church risks being infiltrated by the so-called believers that regularly commune with those seeking His face.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God -- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. (2 Tim. 3:1-7)

By not exercising judgment upon our own body, we corrupt ourselves and harden the hearts of those living in sin. When Paul says that we must hand them over to Satan to destroy their flesh, he is suggesting that some may find grace in the firmness through which we deal with their sin. Continual acceptance and tolerance of a believer within a life of sin can only lead to a seared conscience. For that heart, there is no return.

Our culture (church culture included) has taught us that we are not in position to judge one another. From a believer to one that doesn't accept Christ or his teachings, I would agree; Paul says this much. But if we assume that it is not our place to speak judgment upon the sin of other believers through the love of Christ, we have given the church over to the enemy. If our only excuse is that the church could not facilitate this passage because of its size or structure, then our church needs to reform itself in a manner that allows itself to exercise obedience. No structure is too sacred and no believer too untouchable to submit to the Lord's commands and His desire for purity.