i need a hug

Strange indeed.

I feel emotionally drained. After a weekend of runaway kids, crazy moms, road rage, paperwork, phone calls, constant drizzle, and "small favors," it's entirely too quiet returning to this house. I should relish the idea of some time with God to de-stress, and yet I admittedly covet a human to be waiting for me. I don't understand. I spent ten years living independently, with very few concerns about living alone. Unless I spent time around loving couples, I poured my life into disciples and ministry with little distraction.

I have no idea what has awakened this deluge. Honestly, I'd like it to stop.

Is it wrong to miss the days when I didn't consider my own needs? It doesn't equate in my head: I received more intimacy with God than ever before through the opening of my heart -- now, that heart is the very thing that has me feeling selfish, as if unveiling myself has renewed some childish longing that cannot be nurtured. I don't know that I have the capacity to simultaneously long for God and long for a family. I may be too old to understand how they operate together. My old life was functional and satisfied, but the truer expressions of my heart are a mess.

Whatever stirred when I was considered a suitable man for marriage needs to be silenced again, because I'm lost for a solution. How do I look husbandry and fatherhood in the face, and forget it ever occurred? I feel like an idiot for chasing the illusion -- life was good. I worked nights and didn't mind, I ministered to my body without considering myself, and my greatest concern was cleaning the snow off my car. Did I notice as Satan sowed this weed, or is my current longing an act of God? I can't tell anymore.

I once trusted my discernment, and the Spirit affirmed this trust. He spoke to me in ways that were useful to the lives of others. In not asking anything for myself, He offered me wisdom and insight beyond my years and experience. I never had to doubt that my words were His words.

Today, I'm void of spiritual confidence. I feel drawn to prayer, but I constantly question my motivation. Has He called me to intercede, or am I looking for friendship? Have I been given the burden of spiritual insight, or am I drawing false conclusions based on fleshly knowledge? Whereas I previously spoke to my friends with conviction and clarity, Satan is bombarding me with questions regarding my purity, and whether I wouldn't rather find a wife than speak the truth.

It comes back to feeling spiritually unprotected. It seems like open season, and I can't help but wonder if someone has neglected a commitment they made with God to have my back. I know it makes some people uncomfortable when they realize I'm not actually a superhero -- some friends depend on this -- but I need a covering. I need someone who will fight in battle for the clarity and truth of my mind and heart. I need it more than that hug.