#10 - Friday, June 12, 1992

For some of us, the process of growing up is gradual. As circumstances shift, these individuals float from moment to moment, having little reason to contemplate what changed between Point A and Point B.

As for me, my spurts are drastic, erratic, and awkward.

Three days before, I had never ridden a roller coaster, had never been to "The Cell," had never crushed on a girl, and had never been to a real beach. As our tour camp traveled through Chicagoland, we stopped at Great America, and I lost my voice riding the Batman. I attended a White Sox game and innocently went to the concession area to buy a hat. When I returned, the hat marking my seat was being worn by an unfamiliar girl.

At the end of the week, my 4'7", 80 pound self was walking along the Lake Michigan shore with three friends and four girls from our neighboring school: eight thirteen-year-olds without a care in the world. The sun and sand were blazing, and I remember being surprised by the crispness of the water. We played cards atop a large dune we had climbed, before barrel-rolling over a hundred feet to the lakefront.

At the specified time, we gathered in a picnic area for our chapel service. Being the last chapel of the week, it wasn't uncommon for the camp director to present a message on repentance and salvation. Today, I understand that this is the way a ministry "counts" its success, but I also recognize that the Spirit will use whatever means necessary to speak to His children. Our director began by reciting this familiar passage:

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm -- neither hot nor cold -- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me the gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so that you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. (Revelation 3:15-18)

As a kid growing up in the church, I took the first hard look at myself, and I didn’t like the reflection. My mouth continually spewed obscenities and hatred -- my actions spoke little of my claim to Christianity. I knew that I couldn’t reconcile the two lifestyles. My sin drove a wedge between myself and Christ, and I had to decide which life I would live.

Returning home, I was left to myself as my brother trained for football. Indiana had a wonderfully cool summer that year. I woke up early each morning, riding my bike across the road towards the lake, enjoying the quietness of the outdoors. A few of my younger neighbors spent time with me as well, looking up to my “life experience” like little brothers. Looking back today, it's kind of funny to consider: I had never spent time with younger kids. Having been the youngest kid on the block for years, I relished my first summer without my brother's peers.

Many seasons passed before God revealed the lingering decision -- the call to die was the elephant in the room. During my time of waiting, God showed me what the world had to offer, how unsatisfying it was, and how He would redeem me from my blindness.

ten days

As another year nears its finish, I figured I would take the opportunity to recall the places in which God has led me: through faith, friendship, romance, and heartache. Beginning this evening, I will be sharing the ten most memorable days of my life -- in chronological order -- from my awkward adolescence to the present day. Ideally, this will offer the online community a context for the man I've become and the words that I write. If not, I hope you enjoy the stories :)

preparation

The following has always been one of my favorite passages of scripture. In combing through these words recently, I've been privileged to understand them in the context of relationships and our responsibility as a Church in promoting purity.

You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance.

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:1-8, emphasis added)

Church, I regret having to say this, but we've done a poor job with this.

When I share my testimony, I jokingly describe myself as a "recovering youth minister." This is misleading in the sense that I have a great heart for young people, but true considering my philosophical overhaul. Whereas my ministry once centered around providing a safe, comfortable place for teenagers to be teenagers, I've since realized that I did them no favors by encouraging their immaturity. One of the American church's primary objectives is to provide an age-appropriate Christian education to its young people.

At its best, this objective provides scriptural lessons within an environment familiar to each demographic. By offering a close alternative to their daily social and academic setting, we attempt to make teens comfortable without the temptations found on the outside. Since pop-culture teaches that pleasure is good, responsibility is lame, and parents are clueless and selfish, the church utilizes its two to four open hours to convince young people otherwise -- presenting this message comically, painlessly, and absent from their parents -- preferably from some dude dressed ten years younger than his age. Hmm...

Our best hope is that these teens graduate with a large enough toolbox to resist the lies of the big, bad world, so that they will become responsible, selfless adults that know the difference between a pleasure God allows and one He does not.

And we wonder why we're losing them.

I revisited the Titus passage shortly after contemplating how poorly young people are prepared for marriage. Paul seems to identify every characteristic that is missing as a result of our disregard for discipleship. He instructs older men and women to train and set an example for how young people are to live. Purity was never designed to be an adherence to a list of don'ts. Purity begins when the mature believer invests his or her life in a young believer. We're not instructed to send teens to youth group or offer age-appropriate material. We are asked to disciple them into a life of holiness, which begins with our own pursuit.

Looking back at my own teenage years, I cannot count the number of abstinence and purity messages I heard from a pulpit. I was continually encouraged to "live out my faith" rather than own my salvation in complacency. You know what I never once received? Someone to show me how. I spent every Wednesday and Sunday with other youth, as we tried to encourage one another in how we could reach the world for Christ. We had passion, and we had motivation. We never had a model.

Sure, some of us can look back fondly at our pastors and youth pastors, eternally grateful for the conviction through which they shared God's word. Some of us had wonderful relationships with ministers that personally made the decision to invest in our lives. Not surprisingly, these are the teens that grow up to become youth leaders themselves. But is the retention rate supporting the structure? Are we raising up mature, firm-footed, self-controlled adults?

This isn't the job for a handful of young-hearted people in each church body. We all hold the responsibility to engage in discipleship, and we do so by first submitting to the process ourselves. For both men and women, elders are instructed to first live in purity, so that they are capable and willing to give their lives to young people. If we would teach and show boys and girls how to pursue intimacy with Christ, how to live a life of holiness, how to become respectable and submissive husbands and wives, how to attain maturity and self-control, how to...we could trust young people to lead the next generation and advance His Kingdom beyond our expectations! But none of us get a pass from the Great Commission, no matter how great our pastor or youth minister may be.

You think Jesus may have already instructed us how to fix our problem?

a thought while preparing for work

When I couple my beanie and glasses with a single-tone, green t-shirt, I look like a Ninja Turtle.

[You're jealous.]

i need a hug

Strange indeed.

I feel emotionally drained. After a weekend of runaway kids, crazy moms, road rage, paperwork, phone calls, constant drizzle, and "small favors," it's entirely too quiet returning to this house. I should relish the idea of some time with God to de-stress, and yet I admittedly covet a human to be waiting for me. I don't understand. I spent ten years living independently, with very few concerns about living alone. Unless I spent time around loving couples, I poured my life into disciples and ministry with little distraction.

I have no idea what has awakened this deluge. Honestly, I'd like it to stop.

Is it wrong to miss the days when I didn't consider my own needs? It doesn't equate in my head: I received more intimacy with God than ever before through the opening of my heart -- now, that heart is the very thing that has me feeling selfish, as if unveiling myself has renewed some childish longing that cannot be nurtured. I don't know that I have the capacity to simultaneously long for God and long for a family. I may be too old to understand how they operate together. My old life was functional and satisfied, but the truer expressions of my heart are a mess.

Whatever stirred when I was considered a suitable man for marriage needs to be silenced again, because I'm lost for a solution. How do I look husbandry and fatherhood in the face, and forget it ever occurred? I feel like an idiot for chasing the illusion -- life was good. I worked nights and didn't mind, I ministered to my body without considering myself, and my greatest concern was cleaning the snow off my car. Did I notice as Satan sowed this weed, or is my current longing an act of God? I can't tell anymore.

I once trusted my discernment, and the Spirit affirmed this trust. He spoke to me in ways that were useful to the lives of others. In not asking anything for myself, He offered me wisdom and insight beyond my years and experience. I never had to doubt that my words were His words.

Today, I'm void of spiritual confidence. I feel drawn to prayer, but I constantly question my motivation. Has He called me to intercede, or am I looking for friendship? Have I been given the burden of spiritual insight, or am I drawing false conclusions based on fleshly knowledge? Whereas I previously spoke to my friends with conviction and clarity, Satan is bombarding me with questions regarding my purity, and whether I wouldn't rather find a wife than speak the truth.

It comes back to feeling spiritually unprotected. It seems like open season, and I can't help but wonder if someone has neglected a commitment they made with God to have my back. I know it makes some people uncomfortable when they realize I'm not actually a superhero -- some friends depend on this -- but I need a covering. I need someone who will fight in battle for the clarity and truth of my mind and heart. I need it more than that hug.

i feel everything

Father, if she needs a strong man, why did you make me so sensitive?

on His sovereignty

The English word "sovereign" is used over 200 times in the NIV translation of the book of Ezekiel, describing Adonay Yehovah. Literally, the Hebrew phrase can be transcribed as "God of gods" or "God of men" -- traditionally, this name describes Him as Ruler over all things.

As a characteristic of a ruler or master, Merriam-Webster defines "sovereign" in this way:

• a. possessed of supreme power
• b. unlimited in extent: ABSOLUTE
• c. enjoying autonomy: INDEPENDENT

We are generally comfortable with the first two as Christians. The third, however, messes with our sense of importance to the grand scheme.

In conversation with Michael last evening, it was revealed how often we attribute the conditions of our life to our favor before God -- i.e. when things do not seem to be going according to plan, we feel we are somehow at blame. The dangerous temptation here is to begin responding to our perception of guilt: working in our flesh to attain perfection, finding an alternate path to "complete" His plan, or seeking an exit from uncomfortable situations through worldly means.

Of course, Satan understands that these actions gum up the works, so to speak. We tend to buy the lie that these mistakes have forever ruined God's plan: within our own lives and in the big picture. If our enemy can reinforce this lie within us, thus constructing a faulty perception of God, we are led to two end results:

• 1. We work harder to place God's plan back on track.
• 2. We give up completely.

The beauty of God's sovereignty is that it is not dependent on any of us. If God wills something to happen, it will happen. He is the supreme ruler over all things -- all creation, including the spirits of darkness, are subject to His hand. We can beat ourselves up for missing an opportunity to serve our Father, but ultimately, we are not given the authority or responsibility of fulfilling His will. We are given the wonderful privilege of partaking in His plan, and He calls us to obedience for the sake of our own well-being and for the glory that is manifested through the Christ-like vessel. But we should not believe that our failures are God's failures. Even if we choose to give up completely, He will find another body to accomplish His work.

So where does His sovereignty leave us? We have been given a place of privilege -- an honor He joyfully gives His sons and daughters.

Last night, I asked if it was God's desire or doing for Jacob to deceive his father and brother, or to produce the twelve tribes through four different women. Jacob certainly faced a number of trials as a result of these actions. We must recognize that in His sovereignty, just because things turn out according to His will does not mean that our process was righteous. The truth is, God had already determined that Jacob would receive the blessing, and the tribes would be his inheritance. That Jacob sinned is irrelevant to the big picture.

Rather, God would have us respond in obedience for the sake of our intimacy and the fulfillment of His Glory, not because His will depends on it. I would much rather know that my life was a pleasing offering than for God to proclaim, "Okay, I can still work with this." It is only my own life, and my relationship with Him, that suffers when I live in disobedience. His plan will be fine; this much is certain. But why shouldn't I desire to humbly place myself in service to the King?

I've mentioned this before, but Michael once told me that humility is understanding both sides of our relationship to God. First, we are small potatoes in God's scheme for redemption and glory. But second, we are the living manifestation of His Glory here on earth. An imbalance in this truth always leads to sin. If we forget that His plan is independent of our actions, then pride is around the corner. If we fail to acknowledge ourselves as children of Light, the death of our flesh serves no purpose. We must accurately live according to our humility and His sovereignty to take part in the life of Christ (Phil. 2). Allow Him to lift you up according to His good will.

"...Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave -- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:26-28)

intentionality

A little more than fourteen years ago, I was sitting on a jungle gym in the park, talking with a girl who I had recently grown to appreciate. During our conversation, I mentioned nobody in particular as I indicated my desire to "date around" during my final summer before college. My friend nodded in "understanding." Shortly after, I asked this girl to prom -- we had a great time. Two weeks later, I pragmatically expressed that we should be a couple because it was already assumed. She said okay.

What began as a "practical" approach to spending time with one another soon became the burden I had foreseen that day in the park. I spent my summer on family vacations and camp counseling; she sat at home writing very heartfelt letters as I traveled. I couldn't reciprocate. In the back of my mind, I knew college would tear apart anything or anyone that I brought with me. But this didn't make me less of a jerkface. She had wanted to be with me all along, and I dragged her heart so that I could fill the empty places in my summer schedule.

Leaving work on Friday, July 4, I noticed an envelope attached to my windshield wipers. My girlfriend did what she knew I wouldn't: she broke off the relationship. She recognized the inequality in our feelings for one another, and couldn't afford to allow her heart to receive further pain. She showed character, and I was able to weasel away without a poor reputation. Whatever.

I had been taught to date only Christians, not have sex, and define the relationship. I followed all of these rules, but I was not blameless with her heart. Preparing her for a disinterested relationship did her few favors. Her heart was broken, and I was the cause. I wish I could say that this was the last time I held a woman's heart like puddy with no intent to commit. But greener pastures were just as tempting through my college years, and had I never loved a girl and been left myself, I may have never been reformed.

In the nine plus years since my last date, God has shown me the purity of being intentional in my relationships, including my platonic friends. I began to realize how many people I "needed" to know, simply for the feeling of worldly approval or personal value. Those on the peripheral might say that my personality changed -- that I became introverted. Extroversion however is defined by how one "refuels" rather than how outgoing one is: to be replenished externally as opposed to internally. In this regard, I am still very much an extrovert. But the depth of my relationships has dwindled the number to a handful, and I owe this to intentionality.

For the first time in my life. I have no purposeless relationships. There are no take 'em or leave 'em friends that are contacted merely for the sake of larger numbers. One of the reasons I deactivated my Facebook last year was to determine just how many "friendships" were on life support. Indeed, my expectations are now further aligned with reality.

It brings its share of difficulties in this culture. Whereas the American church promotes the idea that singles are better served when congregating in massive come-and-see parties, I must demonstrate spiritual authenticity and vulnerability with those in my life. When given the choice to comfort myself or spend hours in conversation with a hurting friend, my commitment is sealed. If one of these friends asks for prayer and I offer, this is held as an expectation and not merely a nice thing to say. I'd stand in the gap for any of them in warfare, and this takes precedent to any personal pleasure.

Does this torture the flesh that still loves the intensity of crowds? Sometimes. I have to continually bear in mind what is being produced. Where I find fruit, I know the Spirit is at work. And as much as I was personally satisfied dining on megachurch dessert, my life and my relationships produced nothing. I spent my days making merry with whoever gave me the time of day, and never fully committed my heart to any of them.

You might say, "But you gave so many hours to those kids!" Yes, I did. But the difference between offering your services and offering your heart is vast. It's the difference between spending the summer with someone crazy about you and giving your heart to someone you cannot live without. American ministry "subjects" are fully replaceable. We may like some congregants better than others, but inevitably it's a game of collection rather than one of substance. We don't feel we can give our hearts too recklessly for the sake of one, because the demand to be diplomatic is too high.

I like that I'm able to express when I am angry, frustrated, tired, confused, or heartbroken. I love that within my intentional relationships my mess will be considered, even if they don't have an answer for me -- even if I'm the one in leadership. That's certainly worth the ole' one-two punch to my flesh. The Bride of Christ is built upon intentional people sharing in His life with one another. No more dating around. No more summer flings. My brothers and sisters are in this thing for the long haul -- hearts out and vulnerable.

And physically, God has used these principles for His Church to teach me a thing or two about committing to a bride. These past ten years, my heart and mind have been unable to even consider another woman once they've been drawn to one. Monogamous intentionality, if you will. A purposeful relationship is like seeing with tunnel vision: this one woman should receive the firstfruits of everything God has left me to offer.

what if He needs me more than i need my grace?

Byron has been reading Proverbs -- he informed Michael and I that he's praying to recognize women according to their inner beauty. I was pleased to hear this from a disciple and friend, but I warned him it was a dangerous prayer. He posted 31:30 on his Facebook profile and was surprised by the number of women that "liked" it, as compared to the glaring absence of a single man.

[I could have used this opportunity to inform Byron that righteous men do not frequent Facebook, but I passed due to the gravity of the conversation and the obvious pride in my own heart.] ;)

He also acknowledged the number of women on the "like list" that do not actively live according to this pursuit. For me, it boils down to the disconnect between a woman's longing and her experience. I believe that many women long to be cherished and found beautiful according to the Proverbs 31 standard, but pursue worldly beauty because man's heart is not in line with God's. Men can promote the nobility of inner beauty all they'd like, but while youth ministers are among those parading the external beauty of their "smokin' hot wives,"** it is not difficult to see why boys and girls are taught the righteous model and ultimately conclude: "That's easy for you to say."

This evening's conversation cut me deeply, because I recognized the opportunities I've had to encourage Godly beauty with the women in my life. I began wondering if getting married is such a good idea for me after all. I spend my work days promoting inner beauty and establishing appropriate boundaries with girls that plead for male attention. I encourage my Christian sisters -- in person and through the blogging community -- to invest their spiritual beauty above the physical. As relentless as this ministry has become in my life, can I serve in marriage with a clear conscience, while millions of single Christian men lack a model for purity?

I never asked to be a poster boy. I would much rather see each man setting the tone for gender reconciliation and the redemption of marriage. I would ride into the distant sunset with God and my own family, confident that righteousness had prevailed. But I have already offered to be His. If He needs a poster boy, is it worth sacrificing my own desires? I already know the answer.

Part of me is wrestling with the credibility issue again: a new level of dysfunction as the pendulum has swung sharply in the other direction. Now, where I discover female hearts that stir my attraction for inner beauty, I find myself disappointed when they are framed by a pretty exterior. Strangely, my disappointment is not from insecurity or inferiority. I worry myself thinking, "If I admire and marry a physically beautiful woman, then I am part of the problem."

As usual, the truth is somewhere in between. Satan attacks my motives with lies, because he knows my mind is set on righteousness. If I do not marry, I have no spiritual right to minister to women. If I marry, I cannot empathize with the single plight. Worse yet, should I marry an exquisite woman with a beautiful heart, I am a hypocrite. Regardless of where I set my heart, the lies will be flying.

His truth is my only clear perspective: the truth that He is good. For Him to deny is good -- for Him to grant gifts is good. Mullins wrote that receiving a Godly mate was "doubly good," and then proceeded to live a life of celibacy! Can I fend off the lies, recognizing that goodness is found in Him alone and in His grace, receiving the joy inherent through either life?

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**I've heard variations of this phrase during at least ten messages preached by youth pastors or speakers. It's "cute" and "romantic" that they are physically attracted to their wives, but they've only managed to promote to girls that God's standard is secondary...and to college-bound boys that they should major in youth ministry. I wish I was joking.

sent for glory or demise?

fateful nap of a stranger

A Friday evening from the sacred age: ten carefree hearts in communion with one another, sharing the bachelor life in this one bedroom apartment. Free from preceding authority and obligation, furniture and floor are flooded with the laughter of family, friend, and guest. Another knock; another arrival. Host to her home, bearing an unexpected gift -- fifty-nine inches of magnificence. A shy smile, an innocent glance. My ears collect the first note of that soft, comfortable rasp. Her tone of concern betrays the common outfit of the modern woman, her youthful frame hemming the effortless caregiver. An eldest child: a nurse, a mother hen. She plans nothing in claiming the empty chair; the will of something greater binds us together. A light rom-com to entertain, a pragmatic dimming of the lamps. Slowly, the long day weighs heavy on her sea-green eyes, the insignificant space contracting between untouched flesh. Subtle head upon an unsolicited shoulder, diving into profound rest. Rest indeed -- neither moving, neither disrupting. The credits roll, the house lights raise, and two strangers are gently face to face. She feigns shock and humiliation; I pardon the innocuous touch. A performance for the ages: I coyly sing to twenty ears, solely for the audience of two. Two ears know my song, my dance, and my core. Two eyes perceive their once foreign desire. One cool evening and one stranger. One ruined heart.

trash pickup day

I could be called a leader and a follower. I'm not anti-authority, though I've been given reason to distrust. I'm not conservative or liberal, but rather disinterested in human constructions. I am more intentional than aloof, therefore could never be a hipster. I will hold thoughtful conversation with anyone that listens well enough to provide useful encouragement or rebuke, regardless of what they might assume about our relationship.

When I moved to KC, my apartment was smack in the middle of the high culture and alternative scenes. This was fitting. I love coffee and make a mean latte, but I can take or leave the accompanying music scene. I like cheesy 90s pop and sappy 60s love songs. I listened to hair bands before they were popular and grunge after it was dead. I like chick flicks and dude thrillers. I'm a romantic, but a realist. Who cares? I feel ridiculous going on like this, just as Paul did. I can do without any of this trash!

I give the impression of being independent because I've moved about on my own. In reality, I'm completely dependent on Christ and His Church. I spent the majority of my life looking for the Bride that Jesus made covenant with in scripture; I may spend the remainder looking for the bride that I will make covenant with on earth. Since I found the first, I have no reason to go rogue. When I find the second, I will have no cause to serve apart from her.

Young people are admirable because they carry a passion for the ministries placed on their hearts, and they are incredibly frustrating because they refuse to commit to others in their pursuit. Most days, I want to bang my head against the wall, wondering what it will require for them to work together and stop placing their identity in the world. Jesus doesn't care if we like coffee, like art, like finance, like music, like politics, like romance, like establishments, or like the downtown district with all the cute mom-and-pops. He wants our obedience.

Feed His sheep. Preach a Gospel of truth and grace. Make disciples, not a protegee. Be discipled, not mentored. Don't cringe from the stronger words of Christ. Strengthen the Body. Fear and worship Him. All the other junk is stinky garbage in the end -- my mess included. Rest not in silly threads. Hope not in worldly answers to spiritual problems. Serve not in your own interest. Follow not for the sake of your own independence.

Stop complaining about the state of the church and begin gathering with other believers to find Sustenance for your discontent. Pray together like those desperate for the Lord. Utilize your gifts as God intended: for the sake of your brothers and sisters, not for the identity of self. You are beautiful in their manifestation, because the glory of God is demonstrated. You are unsavory in your search for individual purpose, for God offers a better one to those who seek Him first.

I have a vision that depends on you. Imagine that. I need you. I'm not too ashamed, independent, or hip to express that. I need you as quickly as you are willing. We have a nation to win for Christ, not an election. We have a Church to purify, not a Facebook cause. We're scattered like ants across this land, but even ants gather where there is food and rest. Ants merge when there is work to do. Those of you who have the answer to something...congratulations, leader -- you've discovered that you need followers too! It's time to put the selfish identity and independence behind. It's time to stop seeking community and unity in temporal things. It's time to seek the Kingdom as a holy priesthood, and allow Him to build His Church.

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each on of you is a part of it. (1 Cor. 12:21-27, emphasis added)

truthfully

I'm in some serious need of spending time around a massive group of kids. Like a huge game of Capture the Flag would be awesome, but I'm up for anything. The adult population is suffocating my spirit. If I run into some money, I can dismiss the coffeehouse dream and start my own camp...with sunsets that aren't blocked by ill-advised tree planting. With fireflies. And crazy thunderstorms. And singing...

On second thought: Jesus, you can just take me now.

dressed in white

Ever since I explored the characteristics of God's blessed priesthood in Ezekiel 44, I have been enamored with the idea of "wearing" these priestly garments. He tells the priesthood not to wear anything that makes them sweat, nor to wear these garments outside the inner courts where their Inheritance resides (v. 17-19). I began looking at other places in His word where clothing was considered significant.

Dress was a huge deal in the establishment of the law; there were regulations against the priests wearing dirty, blood-stained, or torn clothing -- which was symbolic of grief. Through good and hard times alike, the priesthood was to represent the purity and holiness of God to the people. They were to acknowledge this sanctity in a visible way, regardless of how far the people's hearts were from Him.

I also considered Peter's reinstatement in John 21:18, who is told by Christ:

I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.

Jesus was informing Peter of the literal manner through which he would pick up the cross of Christ, but in a metaphorical sense, Peter is also being told that his life no longer belongs to himself. When we offer Jesus his due Lordship, we are asking to be dressed according to his own righteousness. We see this in multiple passages.

• He can clothe us with joy in the midst of sorrow. (Psalm 30:11)
• The righteous woman is clothed in strength and dignity. (Prov. 31:25)
• His people are asked to clothe themselves with strength. (Isa. 52:1)
• The brokenhearted are clothed in garments of salvation and robes of righteousness. (Isa. 61:1)
• Our shame and filth are removed and replaced with fine garments (Zech. 3:3-5)
• We clothe ourselves with Christ to dismiss the desires of the flesh. (Rom. 13:14)
• Death is swallowed when we clothe ourselves with imperishable things. (1 Cor. 15:53-54)
• Citizens of heaven long to be clothed in their eternal dwelling. (2 Cor. 5:2-4)
• Representing His holy people, we should clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. (Col. 3:12)
• We are to clothe ourselves in humility towards one another to receive the Lord's favor. (1 Pet. 5:5)
• Rather than be influenced by those around us, we are to hate the clothing stained by corrupted flesh. (Jude 1:23)

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Don't get me wrong, God has given us plenty of wonderful and beautiful things on this earth by which to be dazzled. The mountains, beaches, skies, and storms are SOOOOOOO good. But there is nothing more beautiful and awe-inspiring on this earth than a bride dressed in white.

Do you see why God refers to His Church as the Bride? In our blameless, pure state, there is nothing more precious or lovely than the unity and blessing that are found in Him together. The greatest deterrent to becoming a blameless bride is pride. It is pride that says, "I do not need my beloved," or "I am better off with other lovers." She sees the riches of the world as a more noble pursuit than the comfort and protection of a husband that would give his life for her.

This pride is represented within the church of Laodicea in Revelation 3. I think the church is really stupid for promoting an emotional response to verses 15-16 -- particularly among young people -- as a means to get people to "buck up" and live their faith more zealously. I know that I once got "re-saved" as a result of this passage. But Christ does not tell the church to better itself to become more scorching. No, he asks the church to cast aside the faulty perception that it has everything it needs. He tells us to take an honest look at our real state.

"You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see." (v. 17-18)

My first thought is, how are we to "buy His gold" when we aren't as rich as we think we are? But God doesn't want us to even hold onto our filthy idea of righteousness -- He wants us to cash all that junk in for the clothes He would have us wear, so that we can find our purity and righteousness in Him! He can clothe His Body in that wondrous white dress, covering our nakedness and healing our blindness. God intends His Church to be beautiful and set apart once again, but we must come to the end of our own sacred cows of wealth and ask Him to lead and love His beloved wife.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (v. 19-20)

I want to invite Him in to dress me in His righteousness. I want to see His Bride sitting at the royal table and next to Him on His throne. This has always been her rightful place: to be the object of His greatest affection.

"Therefore I am not going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt

"In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.'" (Hosea 2:14-16)

heartbroken and filled with regret

The past 24 hours of the blogging cycle has cut my heart deeply. I've read about women who are desperately trying to dispose of the "burden" of virginity. I've read about women who have "successfully" given up theirs, only to feel an unexpected emptiness and attachment moments later. I've read about men who refuse to commit to the women they love, because God is punishing them for their sexual sin. I've read about men that are "respecting" their partner's purity by stopping just short of intercourse.

I think I'm going to throw up. Seriously, I feel queasy just thinking about it.

If I had the youth pastoring thing to do over again, I would change a few things. I didn't talk about sex, because I didn't feel qualified to talk about sex. I wouldn't change a thing about that. Young people aren't in need of an alternative sex education to counteract the world's. An honest conversation about the physiological components will get us nowhere. Young people need an alternative education about purity -- an alternative from the one the church currently teaches.

For one thing, the guarding of my own heart and the bubble of the church allowed me to believe that my peers would form the same conclusions. I taught purity as if I expected my kids to be pure and want to be pure. So the education was less about why, and more about how to maintain.

Problem #1: Most teens don't know why.

Problem #2: Most teens have already compromised their purity, through some act or another.

Understanding these two problems exposes the futility of promoting the abstinence = purity message in our youth groups. The first problem group is being asked not to do something desirable, without understanding why a loving God would ask this. The second problem group can only filter the message through the enemy's projection of guilt and shame. And that doesn't even figure the 1 in 3 girls that have been exposed to sexuality against their will.

Purity education is useless without God education. If boys and girls are only motivated to abstain because they are saving themselves for one another, the enemy is crafty in redefining the boundaries of commitment. After all, what is a timeline of before and after marriage between two people in love? While saving ourselves for our spouse is a good motivation (and a gift I'm pleased to offer), it is not a catalyst for purity in itself. A compromise between two humans that desire one another is not a difficult thing.

Rather, boys and girls must be taught to know the God that longs to guard our hearts. It is not enough to know his laws and commands, for mankind can justify breaking these as much as he does the speed limit. Law only produces judgment in it's rebellion. They must know the God behind the law, the Father that cares enough to establish lines for abundant life. I thank God daily that He offered grace during the years in which I couldn't distinguish the difference. But I do not stand in purity today because I was told to abstain. I intimately know the Maker of my body. I communicate with the Creator of sex, the One who established the goodness of its uncorrupted intent. As I read the stories that break my heart, God speaks to my heart and reminds me, "I know it looks like sex = pain, but this isn't Me. This is what happens when mankind rejects Me."

This allows the concept of purity to become so clear in my mind: like other areas of personal consecration, we know sexual purity because we know Him who is pure. If we try to define what is profane from what is holy without knowing Him who is holy, our standard for sexuality becomes so relative. We convince ourselves that we can disrespect our bodies enough to have fun without compromising our purity. Those who have experienced failures are convinced that crossing a particular line has irreparably damaged their purity.

But God wants to commune with us so much! He is holy, and you cannot stand in the Presence of holiness without being cleansed from all unrighteousness. Apart from God, we live in judgment and sexual indecision. In His loving arms, we protect the sanctity of our sexual lives, because we trust our Maker who knows what is best. The lines are not cloudy. Our purity is not wavered by the temptations and justifications common to man. He takes our filthy bags of lawful unrighteousness and clothes us in garments of white. And that which He has made pure, we cannot call unclean.

To those who know God, this message speaks beyond the degree of wounds we have endured. Teaching sexual purity without a loving relationship with God is like offering someone a book who has never learned to read. The meaning is still the same, but its comprehension is lacking. Before boys and girls understand the treasure they hold in their sexual purity, they must know the God that treasures them. For those that have already worn some scars, your treasure and beauty is the same. Living in the unveiled Presence of God, there is no shame or condemnation.

music therapy

As I was driving up State Road 331 at 2:30 in the morning, I was once again drawn to the humility and wisdom of Rich Mullins. Feeling worn and battered, I was encouraged by his heart and authenticity. I would look forward to meeting him in heaven someday, but I know he would only point to the throne and tell me I'm wasting my time :)

I ordered my bi-weekly cheeseburger and dark chocolate shake, and the server (Brianna) asked what I was reading on my phone. I explained my obsession with blogs, and that my current stop was about marriage. A few exchanges later, after an obligatory praise of tolerance, she asked why I became a Christian. I told her that I see the world living without Jesus, and I couldn't conclude that it was better for it -- that rebellion from my Creator has never been a better option than being in relationship with Him.

We discussed a little bit about intimacy, and she was talking about what it's like to be in constant communication with someone you love. I said, "Yeah, it's exactly like that: when you risk giving your heart to someone, and they handle it like it's the most important thing in the world, you increase in trust and intimacy. That's how I know and love God. He has always led me towards the best thing for my life, even when I don't understand it."

Brianna just moved to third-shift, so we will be seeing one another frequently.

This evening's rollercoaster of feeling lost and then once again in the Spirit's work gives me hope that His Presence will never leave me. He knows me in my joy and in my grief. I'm seriously lost without Him.

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing, let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing, let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

-- If I Stand by Rich Mullins

is delaying marriage God's intent?

I acknowledge that I accept elements of society without question or realization. While older folk have the luxury of reminiscing how things were different “in their day,” young people live according to the way things have always been for them. For example, the ten-year-old has never known a world void of cellular devices. Twenty-year-olds have always had access to digital recordings. And as quaint as the technology may have been, thirty-somethings were quickly introduced to the personal computer.

It is my nature to dissect spiritual ideas and worldly progressions back to their roots. While this has driven my convictions regarding the church assembly and the use of birth control, I’ve certainly thrown other sacred cows under the microscope as well. I’ve offered these topics to suggest how quickly a generation assumes the world’s take on subjects of interest, if for no other reason than the opposing view has become extinct. Desensitivity always breeds tolerance, which is upheld as a core value in the 21st century. Today’s church largely accepts birth control and the use of worship for evangelism because they have never known a more acceptable idea. Why would we bother to question that which has always been in our lifetime?

During my first coffee stint, I was shocked to hear a female co-worker support early marriage. She was plenty progressive for a girl growing up in the Bible Belt: sexually active and pursuing a career as a twenty-something woman might. However, she expressed that adolescent girls are physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. While she did not excuse the sin of lust, she attributed much of the male struggle with this design. In other words, though society would have men feel ashamed for even noticing the beauty of a teenage girl, they are physiologically prone to seeking a mate holding the innocence of youth.

Scripturally, I couldn’t defend against her argument, and I had never before considered the implications of such a shift. Socially, any American can see the problem with her theory. Not only would I have been implicated as a chauvinist pig for suggesting this philosophy to another woman, but as a youth pastor, I couldn’t imagine any of my teens being mature enough to consider marriage. They were too flighty, too self-absorbed, and too irresponsible. I should have pushed the thought aside… I should have been a good relevant Christian… I should have made a quick excuse and ran… I should have…

But that’s not me. I nurtured the question. I deliberated for years asking myself, “Why is that so?”

Relative to other kids, my high school students were mature. And yet, by any adult opinion, they were still kids -- kids that happened to be physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. But practically? Not even close. I remember thinking that I was ready to begin a relationship in my late teens; I pale to consider how tragic that might have been! What brought us to viewing young people in this way? Did God intend us to be here, or has the enemy brought us so far along that we didn’t notice the deviation?

This much is certain: our priorities have shifted. Whereas a century ago the righteous man’s primary concerns were the provision and protection of his family, the modern man seeks education and employment for his own self-fulfillment, gratifying his other natural desires through temporal means. Women have also abandoned their primary concern of comforting for the same modern pursuits. In the end, we have millions of young people living for their own interests, convincing themselves that they are bettering their situation to offer a more perfected version… someday.

And this is the lie. We believe that our husband or wife will be better served by our worldly experience than by the trust gained in seeking the Lord as one flesh. Are young couples a naïve mess of inexperience and irresponsibility? Of course they are! Even so, I’ve come to believe that two young, clueless lovers have as great an opportunity to find unity and trust in one another as two “responsible,” self-actualized adults. What makes us think that people who have grown to pursue their own interests will suddenly cater to the interest of their spouse? I see little evidence that older marriages have been ultimately more healthy. The modern message of prudent living and God’s covenant for marriage are in opposition with one another.

Understand that I’m not condoning a hasty decision to pursue one’s lusts. One of the issues with our society is that teenagers are not made to grow up and take responsibility, so they begin filling the time void with social dating and ultimately greater temptations that compromise their purity. Rarely is heavy commitment seen as a feasible option, and men are taking no steps to indicate they are prepared for such a transition. The world and the church encourage this slow pace, and tell us to fix our own issues first. What I am suggesting is that lack of commitment and selfishness seem to be just as prevalent among 20-something singles as the high school grad, if not more. When we look at age or experience as the qualifier for successful marriage, we are using the wrong variables. God is not interested in man and woman bringing everything perfect and proper into His covenant. But we’ve fallen into the same trap regarding our intimacy with Him. While God is wanting to use our relationships as an opportunity to grow in trust and consecration, we want to consider ourselves lawfully perfect before we are presentable.

I consider my parents’ marriage, and I’m sure they did a lot of stuff wrong. They were a couple years out of high school and couldn’t afford most of the modern luxuries that couples think they have to have today. They were able to find a tiny two-bedroom house, and had a pair of children over the next couple years before progressing towards bigger and better things. I grew up without cable, air conditioning, or expensive toys. My parents struggled at times, but God always provided. My parents bought the “toys” after my brother and I graduated. But I think if you asked either one of them today, they couldn’t have imagined traveling those years without one another by their side. They grew in intimacy because they had to figure this stuff out together. I think that’s what we’ve lost in today’s society. We want the nice stuff, and if that means delaying marriage to get it, we will cast aside God’s spiritual blessing for worldly treasures.

All this might sound hypocritical coming from a 30-something single, but I’m not so interested in transforming culture back to the “good ole’ days.” I think the greater lesson is how God would have us trust Him to work Himself throughout every facet of the marriage, rather than waiting until we are “fulfilled” in ourselves to pursue a relationship, regardless of our age. For one thing, if we can truly attain such a fulfillment, we are better off remaining single. God has given us the wonderful privilege of uniting in marriage, because He is just that good to offer us a grace for our weakness and insufficiency. I know that’s what he’s placed on my heart to pursue. It doesn’t mean that God isn’t still the one continuing the work of consecration, but we shouldn’t dismiss that He would like us to receive it through His established covenant.

All this is a work of progress in my head. I would really love to hear what you think, and how you justify your own approach to relationships or marriage.

maturity

Funny, if you had asked me about "solid" spiritual food while in my youth, I would have assumed you meant a life of spiritual discipline. Growing up in an average evangelical church, discipline seemed to be the pinnacle of the Christian walk and the one thing in which my peers and I did not engage. So we thought. Naturally, we limited "spiritual discipline" to prayer, bible study, journaling...those things we Christians call devotions. Partaking in devotions is not a biblical mandate -- by the nature of the word, devotions imply the things we do to show our devotion, right? That's the best I can figure.

The writer of Hebrews discusses maturity in a different fashion -- this is yet another passage I have never heard skillfully shared in a sermon:

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so. (Hebrews 5:11-6:3, emphasis added)

You know, like the teachings we hear weekly in corporate service and the lessons we read daily in our devotionals.

Sadly, much of what Christians attain in their acts of internal discipline can still be described as milk. Just because we've heard the message before and have the opportunity to chew on it a bit longer, doesn't mean we should. God expects the elementary teachings to resonate so that we can move forward in our faith. We could partake of the internal disciplines every day of our lives -- and coldly regurgitate the same information again and again.

The writer says, in fact, it is hard to explain to the immature anything more useful than this. In mass quantity, these teachings lend themselves to self-fixation, because the believer tends to only see how the Gospel pertains to him or herself. Even then, they are not equipped to discern good from evil, so they rely on the leadership of others to continually address the need for repentance in their lives. To which I say, grow up and walk around a bit!

I'm reminded of a time in which my older youth group kids were asking me to meet with them separately to teach them greater truths. Their hearts were in the right place, but their understanding of spiritual maturity was ill-conceived. The reason scripture uses the milk/solid food analogy is that parents are not required to place solid food in their children's mouths! By the time a child moves to solid food, they have gained the knowledge of tasting, chewing, and swallowing, and an outside party cannot provide this service for them. Yes, a parent can and should encourage their children in what they should be eating and how it may be effectively consumed, but the child is still required to toddle on their own, regardless of how awkward and undisciplined it may appear at first.

Chapter 6 continues with a small glimpse of the mature Christian life and issues one of the most misinterpreted warnings in all of scripture:

It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall way, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case -- things that accompany salvation. (6:4-10)

If this was a warning regarding the eternal security of our salvation, it would not only be addressed to those that had experienced the power of the Holy Spirit. Rather, these are acts that become commonplace for the mature believer. The transition from milk to solid food is not accomplished through drenching ourselves with more milk. It is accomplished through the Spirit: speaking to us beyond foundational print on paper and leading us into works administered through His power and divine will.

For those of you who have witnessed this power and have experienced the spiritual battle, you can conceive how such a warning applies. Having known the fullness of His Spirit, I am granted only two choices. I can continue to walk according to His guidance, or I can cast the gospel aside altogether. There is no in between for those that have tasted His goodness. There is no turning back to milk once you have tasted solid food. To know the goodness of the Spirit and later reject it? This person is in danger of being cursed. I've seen many that have tasted His goodness and walked away in fear (the "thorns" identified in the Parable of the Sower), and they have become the most miserable people that I know.

Some of you may say, why pursue maturity at all if the responsibility is greater and the rebellion is held under greater accountability? But this is the mentality of the immature, those that do not care to know that greater things of God. They flounder like the children of Israel in the desert, waiting for another to tell them what God is saying. The believer that truly desires God will ask for as much of Himself as He is willing to give, and that man or woman is willing to take on mature responsibilities for one more minute in His presence! How could such a heart tear itself away without breaking a covenant bond with its Creator and Lord?

Each believer must decide what he or she truly desires. For the immature believer stuck on milk for years, do you desire God enough to place the elementary truths behind and walk in the presence of His Spirit? Or do you feel satisfied by the security of your daily comforts and bottle feedings? To the mature believer, would you now turn back to Egypt, having tasted the goodness of His works? Even during the hardest days, when it feels like God is a half-world away, I know that I cannot. It is the Spirit's lead or bust.

speaking of being 32...

My mood is more carefree than contemplative today, so I have nothing heavy to present. Satan often tries to frustrate me with all of the things I should have done by now, but rather than dwell on the things that relate to my non-married, non-paternal state, I figured I'd share some less pertinent things that would place me in a demographic minority:

• I have never broken a bone.
• I have never played Angry Birds.
• I have never changed the oil in my own car.
• I have never had a dog.
• I have never worked for a national retail or food chain.
• I have never ate fresh mango. (Although, I had my first plum and nectarine at age 30, and have loved every fruit I've ever tried, save pineapple and raw apples.)
• I have never bought my own Christmas tree -- I'm saving this "never" for the appropriate time.
• I have never gone skiing.
• I have never viewed in their entirety: Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, or any Pixar movie. Blame this one on the parents.
• I have never played a first-person shooter by myself.
• I have never had a girlfriend on the 4th of July. (Yes, an arbitrary date, but I've always thought summer fireworks were romantic.)
• I have never driven a stick shift -- trust me, there's a race car driver that does not need to be unleashed.
• I have never smoked anything, though I had this crazy dream one time...
• I have never painted a wall.
• I have never taken an operational driver's test, but have passed a written one three times. God bless Indiana.
• I have never chosen to spend my time on a project rather than a person -- time is easily my strongest love language.
• I have never grilled a steak.
• I have never held a baby for longer than 10 seconds.

a jedi mind trick might work?

One day, my brain may convince my heart that I'm actually 32, and I will not feel the need to frustrate myself. I just pray that it happens before I'm 62.

my heart is good

My favorite movie quote ever:

Y'all got on this boat for different reasons, but y'all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people...better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave.

--Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, Serenity

As I drove through the wonderful autumn breeze, I was pondering something discussed with a friend this evening. I confessed how much I disliked being praised for delivering a message or doing something for my teens -- it was the same people that acted shell-shocked when I admitted my doubt, confusion, or ignorance. When I wanted to be honest and bring a personal lie to light, those who raised me on a pedestal would offer a word of rebuke rather than truth. I let it get to me.

A tender wound was exposed through the confident response of my friend: "I enjoy disappointing people."

*************************

Ever since I can remember, I have let people down. I talked when I was supposed to be quiet. I didn't do my homework. I fell short of straight A's. My brother worked harder than I did -- at everything. I filmed an inappropriate movie in Spanish class. I was suspended from church camp. I stole my high school sweetheart's first kiss (and broke her heart). I failed an education course I could pass in my sleep. I let teenagers yell at 6AM -- and they woke up adults. I wasn't compassionate with my youth group. I never planted that church in Kansas City...

The sentence that best defines my maturation from parents, teachers, and church leaders: "Anthony is not living up to his potential."

I see how this has shaped my adulthood. After years of falling short, I have done everything in my power not to disappoint. I've worked hard, given every minute of my time, and been my own worst critic. Somewhere along the way, I learned to despise myself. I decided that if I treated my relationships perfectly, that my friends, family, and beloved would show me love.

But perfect was never good enough. I still disappoint. I still beat myself up over every failure. I acknowledge the grace of God, but refuse to excuse my shortcomings. This is at the heart of my insecurity: if I cannot live according to my own standard of living, how can I be good enough for someone else to love? How can I be good enough for God?

I'll be honest, most authorities are pleased with my aim for perfection. My employers love my work ethic. My dad accepts me like never before. My past educators speak highly of me.

I've grown bored with the gentleman they created.

In the YA novel Dicey's Song, the title character's younger brother Sammy adjusts to a new living arrangement by being better, believing that his rambunctious attitude contributed to the estrangement from their sick mother. He begins to act meek and mild at school, and is praised for his behavior at teacher's conference. However, while his family is going through a hard adjustment, he begins to follow the demands of the school bully to keep the peace. Only when his original identity is encouraged and restored, is he able to stand up for his family according to the stronger convictions in his heart.

There is still a piece of me bottled up inside this heart. It manifests in prose and prophetic word, but in my flesh, I have lost the childlike wonder and authenticity that confounded so many. The wilder, creative elements of my being have been muzzled and pacified by my failure to disappoint.

Inevitably, it is this heart that God desires to restore, and this heart that was created for His purposes. Under the scar tissue is the kid wrestling to the front of the yearbook picture. Behind the pain is the joyful spelling bee champ that refused to do his spelling notebook -- the very next day. There is a beautiful, imaginative, and reckless heart that cares more for his convictions than the world's expectations. It doesn't want to be better. It wants to be good.

celebrating an unexpected anniversary

On this day in 2006, I packed every inch of my Ford Escort with belongings and drove nine hours from home. Just a day earlier, I had been a youth pastor and a standing member of district youth and camp boards. The church that employed me threw a going away party and sent me with a blessing. There were no hard feelings in my departure -- they wanted me to stay. But I had a growing discontent that needed scratched.

Five years later, I confess how little I knew then. As I walked away from that last traditional church, my ambition was finding the generation that had left. I never asked God to call me into a reformation work. If my twenties taught me one overriding theme about God, it’s this: He will work beyond my motivations and expectations to place me exactly where He wants me. And there is no such thing as coincidence.

From playing dominoes with ex-cons, to caring for drunk co-workers, to understanding the origins and pain of homosexuality, my year in Kansas City was a lesson in reality. This reality has real wounds, real pain, and real iniquity. It does not pretend to be squeaky clean or hide itself behind its Sunday bests. Reality is a mass of broken people headed straight to an eternity without their Creator.

My ministry background sheltered me from this reality. I had done my best to equip my teenagers for this world within our walls, but by asking them to meet me in retreat, I was part of the problem. They were good kids, and I’m pleased to say that nearly all of them still love the Lord. But I prepared them for common living and nobody faulted me for it.

So while I left harboring aspirations to begin the next great twenty-something ministry, it didn’t take long to realize that my people wouldn’t be interested. They had all participated in the show. They needed to know the Man.

Fast-forward through God messing up my agenda with prophetic words, spiritual freedom, power encounters, and a bajillion calls to obedience. Pass through His healing hands in Missouri, Wyoming, and back home in Indiana. A lot has transpired in these five years, but I’d rather dwell on the transformation than the events that led me there. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy sharing the events, and my testimony must bear witness of these divine meetings with God. But nostalgia doesn’t serve me while I’m uncomfortably being asked to wait -- I feel far too removed from those encounters. For encouragement, I must turn to the fruit that remains. And these are the results of my time at His feet:

• I no longer have the right to be offended. Talk about a work of the Spirit. To take offense to one’s actions, it requires me to consider myself the object of their contempt. But now that I belong to God and serve as His vessel, there are no words or actions that offend me. I see every irreverent act as a product of a life without Christ. If I can only serve righteously with the presence of His Spirit, how can I expect the lost to live according to the truth in their flesh? Rather, by the very nature of being light, their darkness is exposed without my offense. And if the offense is against God rather than myself, I think He knows how to defend Himself without my help.
• I no longer have the right to be frustrated. Frustration is caused by expectation. When I expect certain results in my ministry, I open myself up to the weight of frustration. God intends me to place my unseen hope in Him and not in the fulfillment of my own plan. When He offers His promises, I can take them to the bank. When I fill in the blanks for their fulfillment, I am certain to face frustration.
• I have learned to love from the overflow. How easily we operate according to the lie that we can love apart from Him! And I will tell you, I never knew how to love my fellow man until I knew the love that surpasses knowledge. When my love runs short, it is always because I have disconnected myself from the Source. When I am apart from God, my “love” is selfish, vain, and jealous. When I am walking in the Spirit, my love is concerned solely with the spiritual well-being of its recipient, even at the cost of our own relationship.
• I have learned how the Body was meant to operate. I have been among a brotherhood whose spiritual gifts were not just recognized, but trusted and utilized. This has certainly been the hardest part of moving back to Indiana. When I interact with others that have left the church, they openly desire this functionality, but I have only seen or experienced it in St. Louis. While I would love to fly people across the country to this one location, God wants the local expressions of His Bride to toddle in spiritual gifts, so that they can learn to trust and depend on the people they do ministry with every day. The only testimony and encouragement I can give is that it is possible, and God wants it. We’ve grown so accustomed to the corruption of the church that I hear people writing phrases like, “Well, the church will always be broken because it’s made of broken people, so we need to be satisfied and make due with what we have.” This is a lie. Christ desires His Bride to be presented as a holy assembly without blemish, but this requires us to meet with those faithful to living for Him, rather than offering a thousand levels of commitment to fill our assembly. There is the Gospel of Truth and there is disobedience. We need to stop creating third and fourth options and calling them Christ. Does this mean that the people within the church will be perfect? No. But the work of consecration should be present in each member of the Body, and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, His Bride will not allow the corruption of a few to corrupt the whole.
• I have learned of the power and authority we have in Christ Let me be blunt for a moment: if you are living your Christian walk without the authority of Christ, you are doing little more than “playing house” with spiritual theories. We must come to the place where we realize that we have a real enemy, and the strength we have been given to fight is the power of His blood. God does not intend for us to retreat at the sight of demonic confrontation, nor are we expected to defend against the enemy through our own lacking will power. The one offensive weapon He has given us is the living Word, because it is His Truth that tears down the lies, strongholds, and principalities of the enemy. Though Satan and his minions know the law that brings judgment upon mankind, they cannot comprehend the work of God’s grace and the power of His Son’s blood. These are spiritual truths that cannot be grasped by those subject to the judgment of the Law, in which Satan is included. God is not one side of a two-sided spiritual coin -- there is no yin and yang according to the powers of righteousness and evil. All things are subject to Him, and our enemy knows this. He has granted us this power that we may also subject darkness to the authority of His light. If we do not engage in the spiritual world in this way, we may hold the deposit of salvation, but we are allowing the enemy to control us according to his deceptions even though he knows the real score. Do not be rendered useless by the thorns of Satan’s lies, for God has given us the privilege of knowing Him personally and intimately -- ultimately, that we might become holy vessels.

I know how Satan would have me be discouraged by my current state of waiting. Many days, I look at my life -- my location, my job, my relationships, and my ministry -- and think to myself, “Wow, five years have passed and I’ve ended up in the same place, without my former friendships or credibility.” I gain this frustration when I evaluate my life according to my own expectations of how God should be moving and what I feel I deserve. The truth is, my life should be less about what I deserve and more about the God that desires my entire being. Since day one, God has gone through desperate measures to bring me into His fold. Regardless of my willingness to stray or hide behind my insecurity, He keeps tossing me back into the fight for souls, because He cannot be argued with about His anointing. I cannot say to God that I am not good enough. I cannot tell Him that I am a failure. My Creator looks at me with loving rebuke, and says, “You cannot tell Me how I would choose to use my lump of clay. And I choose you.”

In terms of eternity, those people who did the greatest things for God were the people who weren't trying to do anything at all. They were just simply being obedient. Those are the people God can use. And I want to be one of them. If God should use me, that would be great but if He doesn't there is a very interesting thing you can do. In the gospel of Mark or in any of the four gospels, you go through the gospels and you say, what people are absolutely essential to this story? So Mary is essential to the story because Mary had to give birth to Jesus. And you could say, well someone else could have. But let's say that if she wouldn't have done it then the story wouldn't have happened. So, you have God who chose to become flesh, you have Mary who gave Him flesh, you have Jesus who was God in the flesh or who was the child of Mary and God, you have Pontius Pilate who had, in an artificial sense, the power to kill Christ, you have Judas Iscariot who betrayed Christ and handed him over to the bad guys, you have whoever it was that nailed Him up to the cross. Out of those people that God used to accomplish His will in the gospel, only a couple of them were very nice people. Most of them were bad people. We all want to be useful to God. Well, its no big deal. God can use anybody. God used Nebuchadnezzar. God used Judas Iscariot. Its not a big deal to be used by God and the shocking thing in the book of Mark, and the reason why it is so shocking is because Mark is the briefest of all the gospels but he has these terrific little details and one of the little details is that it says, "and Jesus called to Him those that He wanted." And you realize that out of the twelve people that He wanted, only one was essential to His goal in coming to earth. The other eleven people were useless to Christ but they were wanted by Christ. And I kind of go, I would much rather have God want me than have God use me.

--Rich Mullins

on self-esteem

"Yeah and especially in a day when so much emphasis and so much pressure is put on us to esteem ourselves I kind of go, wow, I don't know how anyone can wake up with morning breath and pillow head and feel any self esteem. That is not the sort of thing I want to put my faith in. And in the church it is unbelievable to me that this whole foolishness about esteeming yourself has leaked into the church. I kind of go, 'Christ didn't ask us to esteem ourselves.' I think if Christ were asked, I think He would probably say, 'Look buddy, you would be lucky if you could forget yourself. If you could lose yourself, you would be luckier than if you found yourself.' It would be wonderful if you knew the names of the trees between your house and where you work, between your house and your church. If you knew that that was a tulip tree and you knew that that was a red bud. It would be great if you knew the names of the constellations. It would be great if you knew something about your neighbor. It would be a lucky thing for you if you forgot yourself, if you lost yourself. I remember when my brother and his fiance were eating a meal with us and it was absolutely sickening because we were trying to eat here and they were staring at each other in the eyes and I'm going, 'Golly, can you not wait until football.' And then I realized, wow, what a terrific thing when you are so in love that you forget how obnoxious love looks to everybody else. How I wish we were all French. Although I really appreciate modesty and I detest public displays but nevertheless, what a wonderful thing when you are so caught up in a moment when you are so lost in an experience that you forget to straighten your tie or to comb your hair. Why esteem yourself? Forget yourself. You'll have a lot more fun."

--Rich Mullins

He sees it differently than i

In need of some truth this week, I was reminded through my favorite children's book that things are not as they seem:

"I do think," said Shasta, "that I must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lived in the whole world. Everything goes right for everyone except me. Those Narnian lords and ladies got safe away from Tashbaan; I was left behind. Aravis and Bree and Hwin are all snug as anything with that old Hermit; of course I was the one who was sent on. King Lune and his people must have got safely into the castle and shut the gates long before Rabadash arrived, but I got left out."

And being very tired and having nothing inside him, he felt so sorry for himself that the tears rolled down his cheeks.

What put a stop to all this was a sudden fright. Shasta discovered that someone or somebody was walking beside him. It was pitch dark and he could see nothing. And the Thing (or Person) was going so quietly that he could hardly hear any footfalls. What he could hear was breathing. His invisible companion seemed to breathe on a very large scale, and Shasta got the impression that it was a very large creature. And he had come to notice this breathing so gradually that he had really no idea how long it had been there. It was a horrible shock.

It darted into his mind that he had heard long ago that there were giants in these Northern countries. He bit his lip in terror. But now that he really had something to cry about, he stopped crying.

The Thing (unless it was a Person) went on beside him so very quietly that Shasta began to hope he had only imagined it. But just as he was becoming quite sure of it, there suddenly came a deep, rich sigh out of the darkness beside him. That couldn't be imagination! Anyway, he had felt the hot breath of that sigh on his chilly left hand.

If the horse had been any good -- or if he had known how to get any good out of the horse -- he would have risked everything on a break away and a wild gallop. But he knew he couldn't make that horse gallop. So he went on at a walking pace and the unseen companion walked and breathed beside him. At last he could bear it no longer.

"Who are you?" he said, scarcely above a whisper.

"One who has waited long for you to speak," said the Thing. Its voice was not loud, but very large and deep.

"Are you -- are you a giant?" asked Shasta.

"You might call me a giant," said the Large Voice. "But I am not like the creatures you call giants."

"I can't see you at all," said Shasta, after staring very hard. Then (for an even more terrible idea had come into his head) he said, almost in a scream, "You're not -- something dead, are you? Oh, please -- please do go away. What harm have I ever done you? Oh, I am the unluckiest person in the whole world!"

Once more he felt the warm breath of the Thing on his hand and face. "There," it said, "that is not the breath of a ghost. Tell me your sorrows."

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.

"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta.

"There was only one lion," said the Voice."

"What on earth do you mean? I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and --"

"There was only one: but he was swift of foot."

"How do you know?"

"I was the lion." And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

"Then it was you that wounded Aravis?"

"It was I."

"But what for?"

"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

"Who are you?" asked Shasta.

"Myself," said the voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again, "Myself," loud and clear and gay: and then the third time "Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.

Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad too.

The mist was turning from black to grey and from grey to white. This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the thing he had not been noticing anything else. Now, the whiteness around him became shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink. Somewhere ahead he could hear birds singing. He knew the night was over at last. He could see the mane and ears and head of his horse quite easily now. A golden light fell on them from the left. He thought it was the sun.

He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than the horse, a Lion. The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or else could not see it. It was from the Lion that the light came. No one ever saw anything more terrible or beautiful.

Luckily Shasta had lived all his life too far south in Calormen to have heard the tales that were whispered in Tashbaan about a dreadful Narnian demon that appeared in the form of a lion. And of course he knew none of the true stories about Aslan, the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea, the High King above all kings in Narnia. But after one glance at the Lion's face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet. He couldn't say anything but then he didn't want to say anything, and he knew he needn't say anything.

The High King above all kings stooped towards him. Its mane, and some strange and solemn perfume that hung about the mane, was all round him. It touched his forehead with its tongue. He lifted his face and their eyes met. Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory and gathered themselves up and disappeared. He was alone with the horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky. And there were birds singing.

From The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis