what if He needs me more than i need my grace?

Byron has been reading Proverbs -- he informed Michael and I that he's praying to recognize women according to their inner beauty. I was pleased to hear this from a disciple and friend, but I warned him it was a dangerous prayer. He posted 31:30 on his Facebook profile and was surprised by the number of women that "liked" it, as compared to the glaring absence of a single man.

[I could have used this opportunity to inform Byron that righteous men do not frequent Facebook, but I passed due to the gravity of the conversation and the obvious pride in my own heart.] ;)

He also acknowledged the number of women on the "like list" that do not actively live according to this pursuit. For me, it boils down to the disconnect between a woman's longing and her experience. I believe that many women long to be cherished and found beautiful according to the Proverbs 31 standard, but pursue worldly beauty because man's heart is not in line with God's. Men can promote the nobility of inner beauty all they'd like, but while youth ministers are among those parading the external beauty of their "smokin' hot wives,"** it is not difficult to see why boys and girls are taught the righteous model and ultimately conclude: "That's easy for you to say."

This evening's conversation cut me deeply, because I recognized the opportunities I've had to encourage Godly beauty with the women in my life. I began wondering if getting married is such a good idea for me after all. I spend my work days promoting inner beauty and establishing appropriate boundaries with girls that plead for male attention. I encourage my Christian sisters -- in person and through the blogging community -- to invest their spiritual beauty above the physical. As relentless as this ministry has become in my life, can I serve in marriage with a clear conscience, while millions of single Christian men lack a model for purity?

I never asked to be a poster boy. I would much rather see each man setting the tone for gender reconciliation and the redemption of marriage. I would ride into the distant sunset with God and my own family, confident that righteousness had prevailed. But I have already offered to be His. If He needs a poster boy, is it worth sacrificing my own desires? I already know the answer.

Part of me is wrestling with the credibility issue again: a new level of dysfunction as the pendulum has swung sharply in the other direction. Now, where I discover female hearts that stir my attraction for inner beauty, I find myself disappointed when they are framed by a pretty exterior. Strangely, my disappointment is not from insecurity or inferiority. I worry myself thinking, "If I admire and marry a physically beautiful woman, then I am part of the problem."

As usual, the truth is somewhere in between. Satan attacks my motives with lies, because he knows my mind is set on righteousness. If I do not marry, I have no spiritual right to minister to women. If I marry, I cannot empathize with the single plight. Worse yet, should I marry an exquisite woman with a beautiful heart, I am a hypocrite. Regardless of where I set my heart, the lies will be flying.

His truth is my only clear perspective: the truth that He is good. For Him to deny is good -- for Him to grant gifts is good. Mullins wrote that receiving a Godly mate was "doubly good," and then proceeded to live a life of celibacy! Can I fend off the lies, recognizing that goodness is found in Him alone and in His grace, receiving the joy inherent through either life?

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**I've heard variations of this phrase during at least ten messages preached by youth pastors or speakers. It's "cute" and "romantic" that they are physically attracted to their wives, but they've only managed to promote to girls that God's standard is secondary...and to college-bound boys that they should major in youth ministry. I wish I was joking.