heartbroken and filled with regret

The past 24 hours of the blogging cycle has cut my heart deeply. I've read about women who are desperately trying to dispose of the "burden" of virginity. I've read about women who have "successfully" given up theirs, only to feel an unexpected emptiness and attachment moments later. I've read about men who refuse to commit to the women they love, because God is punishing them for their sexual sin. I've read about men that are "respecting" their partner's purity by stopping just short of intercourse.

I think I'm going to throw up. Seriously, I feel queasy just thinking about it.

If I had the youth pastoring thing to do over again, I would change a few things. I didn't talk about sex, because I didn't feel qualified to talk about sex. I wouldn't change a thing about that. Young people aren't in need of an alternative sex education to counteract the world's. An honest conversation about the physiological components will get us nowhere. Young people need an alternative education about purity -- an alternative from the one the church currently teaches.

For one thing, the guarding of my own heart and the bubble of the church allowed me to believe that my peers would form the same conclusions. I taught purity as if I expected my kids to be pure and want to be pure. So the education was less about why, and more about how to maintain.

Problem #1: Most teens don't know why.

Problem #2: Most teens have already compromised their purity, through some act or another.

Understanding these two problems exposes the futility of promoting the abstinence = purity message in our youth groups. The first problem group is being asked not to do something desirable, without understanding why a loving God would ask this. The second problem group can only filter the message through the enemy's projection of guilt and shame. And that doesn't even figure the 1 in 3 girls that have been exposed to sexuality against their will.

Purity education is useless without God education. If boys and girls are only motivated to abstain because they are saving themselves for one another, the enemy is crafty in redefining the boundaries of commitment. After all, what is a timeline of before and after marriage between two people in love? While saving ourselves for our spouse is a good motivation (and a gift I'm pleased to offer), it is not a catalyst for purity in itself. A compromise between two humans that desire one another is not a difficult thing.

Rather, boys and girls must be taught to know the God that longs to guard our hearts. It is not enough to know his laws and commands, for mankind can justify breaking these as much as he does the speed limit. Law only produces judgment in it's rebellion. They must know the God behind the law, the Father that cares enough to establish lines for abundant life. I thank God daily that He offered grace during the years in which I couldn't distinguish the difference. But I do not stand in purity today because I was told to abstain. I intimately know the Maker of my body. I communicate with the Creator of sex, the One who established the goodness of its uncorrupted intent. As I read the stories that break my heart, God speaks to my heart and reminds me, "I know it looks like sex = pain, but this isn't Me. This is what happens when mankind rejects Me."

This allows the concept of purity to become so clear in my mind: like other areas of personal consecration, we know sexual purity because we know Him who is pure. If we try to define what is profane from what is holy without knowing Him who is holy, our standard for sexuality becomes so relative. We convince ourselves that we can disrespect our bodies enough to have fun without compromising our purity. Those who have experienced failures are convinced that crossing a particular line has irreparably damaged their purity.

But God wants to commune with us so much! He is holy, and you cannot stand in the Presence of holiness without being cleansed from all unrighteousness. Apart from God, we live in judgment and sexual indecision. In His loving arms, we protect the sanctity of our sexual lives, because we trust our Maker who knows what is best. The lines are not cloudy. Our purity is not wavered by the temptations and justifications common to man. He takes our filthy bags of lawful unrighteousness and clothes us in garments of white. And that which He has made pure, we cannot call unclean.

To those who know God, this message speaks beyond the degree of wounds we have endured. Teaching sexual purity without a loving relationship with God is like offering someone a book who has never learned to read. The meaning is still the same, but its comprehension is lacking. Before boys and girls understand the treasure they hold in their sexual purity, they must know the God that treasures them. For those that have already worn some scars, your treasure and beauty is the same. Living in the unveiled Presence of God, there is no shame or condemnation.