music therapy

As I was driving up State Road 331 at 2:30 in the morning, I was once again drawn to the humility and wisdom of Rich Mullins. Feeling worn and battered, I was encouraged by his heart and authenticity. I would look forward to meeting him in heaven someday, but I know he would only point to the throne and tell me I'm wasting my time :)

I ordered my bi-weekly cheeseburger and dark chocolate shake, and the server (Brianna) asked what I was reading on my phone. I explained my obsession with blogs, and that my current stop was about marriage. A few exchanges later, after an obligatory praise of tolerance, she asked why I became a Christian. I told her that I see the world living without Jesus, and I couldn't conclude that it was better for it -- that rebellion from my Creator has never been a better option than being in relationship with Him.

We discussed a little bit about intimacy, and she was talking about what it's like to be in constant communication with someone you love. I said, "Yeah, it's exactly like that: when you risk giving your heart to someone, and they handle it like it's the most important thing in the world, you increase in trust and intimacy. That's how I know and love God. He has always led me towards the best thing for my life, even when I don't understand it."

Brianna just moved to third-shift, so we will be seeing one another frequently.

This evening's rollercoaster of feeling lost and then once again in the Spirit's work gives me hope that His Presence will never leave me. He knows me in my joy and in my grief. I'm seriously lost without Him.

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing, let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing, let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

-- If I Stand by Rich Mullins