I acknowledge that I accept elements of society without question or realization. While older folk have the luxury of reminiscing how things were different “in their day,” young people live according to the way things have always been for them. For example, the ten-year-old has never known a world void of cellular devices. Twenty-year-olds have always had access to digital recordings. And as quaint as the technology may have been, thirty-somethings were quickly introduced to the personal computer.
It is my nature to dissect spiritual ideas and worldly progressions back to their roots. While this has driven my convictions regarding the church assembly and the use of birth control, I’ve certainly thrown other sacred cows under the microscope as well. I’ve offered these topics to suggest how quickly a generation assumes the world’s take on subjects of interest, if for no other reason than the opposing view has become extinct. Desensitivity always breeds tolerance, which is upheld as a core value in the 21st century. Today’s church largely accepts birth control and the use of worship for evangelism because they have never known a more acceptable idea. Why would we bother to question that which has always been in our lifetime?
During my first coffee stint, I was shocked to hear a female co-worker support early marriage. She was plenty progressive for a girl growing up in the Bible Belt: sexually active and pursuing a career as a twenty-something woman might. However, she expressed that adolescent girls are physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. While she did not excuse the sin of lust, she attributed much of the male struggle with this design. In other words, though society would have men feel ashamed for even noticing the beauty of a teenage girl, they are physiologically prone to seeking a mate holding the innocence of youth.
Scripturally, I couldn’t defend against her argument, and I had never before considered the implications of such a shift. Socially, any American can see the problem with her theory. Not only would I have been implicated as a chauvinist pig for suggesting this philosophy to another woman, but as a youth pastor, I couldn’t imagine any of my teens being mature enough to consider marriage. They were too flighty, too self-absorbed, and too irresponsible. I should have pushed the thought aside… I should have been a good relevant Christian… I should have made a quick excuse and ran… I should have…
But that’s not me. I nurtured the question. I deliberated for years asking myself, “Why is that so?”
Relative to other kids, my high school students were mature. And yet, by any adult opinion, they were still kids -- kids that happened to be physically and emotionally ready to have marriage in mind. But practically? Not even close. I remember thinking that I was ready to begin a relationship in my late teens; I pale to consider how tragic that might have been! What brought us to viewing young people in this way? Did God intend us to be here, or has the enemy brought us so far along that we didn’t notice the deviation?
This much is certain: our priorities have shifted. Whereas a century ago the righteous man’s primary concerns were the provision and protection of his family, the modern man seeks education and employment for his own self-fulfillment, gratifying his other natural desires through temporal means. Women have also abandoned their primary concern of comforting for the same modern pursuits. In the end, we have millions of young people living for their own interests, convincing themselves that they are bettering their situation to offer a more perfected version… someday.
And this is the lie. We believe that our husband or wife will be better served by our worldly experience than by the trust gained in seeking the Lord as one flesh. Are young couples a naïve mess of inexperience and irresponsibility? Of course they are! Even so, I’ve come to believe that two young, clueless lovers have as great an opportunity to find unity and trust in one another as two “responsible,” self-actualized adults. What makes us think that people who have grown to pursue their own interests will suddenly cater to the interest of their spouse? I see little evidence that older marriages have been ultimately more healthy. The modern message of prudent living and God’s covenant for marriage are in opposition with one another.
Understand that I’m not condoning a hasty decision to pursue one’s lusts. One of the issues with our society is that teenagers are not made to grow up and take responsibility, so they begin filling the time void with social dating and ultimately greater temptations that compromise their purity. Rarely is heavy commitment seen as a feasible option, and men are taking no steps to indicate they are prepared for such a transition. The world and the church encourage this slow pace, and tell us to fix our own issues first. What I am suggesting is that lack of commitment and selfishness seem to be just as prevalent among 20-something singles as the high school grad, if not more. When we look at age or experience as the qualifier for successful marriage, we are using the wrong variables. God is not interested in man and woman bringing everything perfect and proper into His covenant. But we’ve fallen into the same trap regarding our intimacy with Him. While God is wanting to use our relationships as an opportunity to grow in trust and consecration, we want to consider ourselves lawfully perfect before we are presentable.
I consider my parents’ marriage, and I’m sure they did a lot of stuff wrong. They were a couple years out of high school and couldn’t afford most of the modern luxuries that couples think they have to have today. They were able to find a tiny two-bedroom house, and had a pair of children over the next couple years before progressing towards bigger and better things. I grew up without cable, air conditioning, or expensive toys. My parents struggled at times, but God always provided. My parents bought the “toys” after my brother and I graduated. But I think if you asked either one of them today, they couldn’t have imagined traveling those years without one another by their side. They grew in intimacy because they had to figure this stuff out together. I think that’s what we’ve lost in today’s society. We want the nice stuff, and if that means delaying marriage to get it, we will cast aside God’s spiritual blessing for worldly treasures.
All this might sound hypocritical coming from a 30-something single, but I’m not so interested in transforming culture back to the “good ole’ days.” I think the greater lesson is how God would have us trust Him to work Himself throughout every facet of the marriage, rather than waiting until we are “fulfilled” in ourselves to pursue a relationship, regardless of our age. For one thing, if we can truly attain such a fulfillment, we are better off remaining single. God has given us the wonderful privilege of uniting in marriage, because He is just that good to offer us a grace for our weakness and insufficiency. I know that’s what he’s placed on my heart to pursue. It doesn’t mean that God isn’t still the one continuing the work of consecration, but we shouldn’t dismiss that He would like us to receive it through His established covenant.
All this is a work of progress in my head. I would really love to hear what you think, and how you justify your own approach to relationships or marriage.
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