- All I've been thinking about this week is grace, and why God has even bothered to have a relationship with me. It's completely unreasonable. My entire life I've felt like a leper because my acceptance has always been tied to my function. In short, where I am useful, I am beloved. The idea that someone would go out of their way to meet me in my disease is so foreign. It seems the only valid response is their attempting to convince me that I'm not sick or to adore me until I am shown to have fault. I recognize the corruption in expecting a human to love me unconditionally, but my perception is that others have this in their lives. And I so desperately want something tangible as my comfort. But here's the Creator of the universe wanting to be in relationship with me for no other reason than love... it's hard for me to process. But I just want to be near Him, or perpetually nearer.
- When I quit my job in April, my primary spiritual reason was that I was hiding behind my work as a means to ignore my longing. And it did a fantastic job of it. Since my emotional energy is not fully spent working with the girls, I am forced to be emotionally honest with my heart, which has been terrifying. To be honest is to admit that I feel regretful, rejected, and untouchable. And then I get a glimpse of human acceptance and I want to suffocate the life out of it, because they're certain to bail when they find out I need them as much as they need me. So I tried applying for another job that would mask my needs in the same way, with an employer that many affirmed would be amazed by me. I prayed that I wouldn't be hired despite my qualifications if God didn't want it for me. He intervened, and while I'm not disappointed by answered prayer, I'm continually pushed back into my pain. His grace is not allowing my escape, if that makes any sense. He wants to heal me rather than leave me functional. It's excruciating.
- I see that it's unreasonable to expect a noble woman would want to be my helper when I haven't determined where I'm going. And I cannot determine where I'm going until I can trust God to lead me into the unknown. I'm not scared of gunshots, robberies, or physical harm, but I'm frightened of being alone... frightened enough to prevent myself from fully running to Him because I'm scared He might not be everything I need Him to be when it's just the two of us. That sounds really ugly when I see it in words.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
new post coming Thursday
In the meantime...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Looks like I will spend some time praying for you today.
I can't profess to know another person's heart, but I can tell you what I know about mine. I have faced the same fear you write about- not from God's calling me to go somewhere so much as where He has been calling me to stay...knowing almost certainly that as long as I stay I will be alone. I can assure you that the pain and isolation of solitude are incredibly useful in driving one to one's knees, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Through my time in this situation, I have learned to enjoy Christ as my most Faithful Companion, and have also learned to walk with Him in far more tangible ways than I could have otherwise. You know Jesus had 11 faithful men with Him in Gethsemane, but He wept alone. I hurt for His lonely night in the garden, but am thankful to know that what I feel, He felt before me, so that He could comfort me in it. I think that my season in solitary has drawn me nearer to Him by learning the fellowship of His suffering in this aspect(Phil. 3:20).
So...I don't know if He is calling you to go or calling you to stay, but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is calling you to Himself. That's pretty awesome.
And as to noble women... A woman whose desire is God's will would hopefully be more concerned with who you are following than where you are going.Sarah followed Abraham for quite a while on a journey to an unknown destination and in spite all their speed bumps, things turned out pretty well for them. =)
April, thank you for sharing your story and encouraging through truth.
Not trying to stir controversy, and with all respect to April's intent in her post to comfort you, but Jesus did not weep alone in the garden.
Luke 22:43 - Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him.
God can use isolation to work in a person but His plan from the beginning is for His children to dwell together. From Genesis 2:18 to Revelation 21 God's plan is for us to be together in unity as His bride.
To stay or go is not the issue. Are you dwelling in a body of believers and fulfilling the Ephesian 2:10 works for your life?
Jesus suffered in the garden because He was obeying God's call on His life. If that is what you are doing then you must endure all things and persevere. Sometimes the lonliest times in a leader's life can be experienced in the midst of a crowd.
Anonymous: the simple, honest answer to your questions is "no." I am not engaging in the good works He has prepared for me, and I am not dwelling in unity with a functioning body of believers. The longer I remain apart from my brethren, the more glaring my need appears in life, worship, ministry, sanctification, and unity.
Post a Comment