018

Common theme of three conversations today:

How do I develop friendships in which it's okay to have needs?

Those that know me in person and by blog have recognized the dichotomy. The fragility and melancholy tone reflected on these web pages do not match the confidence that I exhibit in person. I feel like I'm beginning to understand the seeming contradiction, and it begins with a perception.

I don't believe that people are comfortable with my having needs.

So I turned to the internet! Certainly there must be fellow bloggers that see me as more than a spiritual perfectionist or an ever present counselor. Surely I'm allowed faults here.

It dates at least to college: other Christians asking how I'm doing as a prerequisite to talk about themselves. It came to the point where I felt patronized when someone "reached out" to me. I figured that we may as well cut through the facade and begin discussing their personal business.

When I entered professional ministry, it only got worse. I sensed discomfort whenever I admitted a spiritual struggle, and my fellow church members acted disinterested in my spiritual needs. My relationships were built on one transaction -- I supply the wisdom, their need is met.

I'd become so accustomed to feeling disqualified from having needs that I began to dismiss them myself. I convinced myself that my flesh needed to die more; if I required anything to meet my own needs, I must not be close enough to God. I couldn't have been further from the truth.

Learning how to need God at an advanced age is difficult enough; learning how to need other believers is tougher yet. If only for the time required to type these posts, I'm uninterrupted here. My struggles are not privy to being "1-uped" by my readers, but the good majority are not aware that my Christian world needs me perfect. I cognitively realize that it's a game I can't win -- it's completely unreasonable to live without my needs being met. However, I've become so conditioned that I don't know where to start.

Where is my audience of unsolicited love and grace, and if in Christ alone, how do I recondition myself to need Him without trying to offer my filthy rags?

017

I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? (Romans 7:21-24)

No, really. Who? Please?

016

Now there was a certain man from Ramathaim-zophim from the hill country of Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives: the name of one was Hannah and the name of the other Peninnah; and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

Now this man would go up from his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice to the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests to the LORD there. When the day came that Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and her daughters; but to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the LORD had closed her womb. Her rival, however, would provoke her bitterly to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. It happened year after year, as often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she would provoke her; so she wept and would not eat. Then Elkanah her husband said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

Then Hannah rose after eating and drinking in Shiloh. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the temple of the LORD. She, greatly distressed, prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly. She made a vow and said, “O LORD of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a son, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life, and a razor shall never come on his head.”

Now it came about, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli was watching her mouth. As for Hannah, she was speaking in her heart, only her lips were moving, but her voice was not heard. So Eli thought she was drunk. Then Eli said to her, “How long will you make yourself drunk? Put away your wine from you.” But Hannah replied, “No, my lord, I am a woman oppressed in spirit; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not consider your maidservant as a worthless woman, for I have spoken until now out of my great concern and provocation.” Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him.” She said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad. (1 Samuel 1:1-18)

"Am I not better to you than ten sons?"

Yes, this was a different time and a dramatically different culture. A woman's value was tied to being a good mother and comforter to her husband, and God considered this a noble life. Hannah did not squander the one responsibility within her control, as her husband considered her a loving wife. The question buzzing in the back of my mind: why wasn't this enough for her?

Can we ever comprehend why God dangles unfulfilled desires? Consider the seeming injustice: the wife with little integrity is allowed the blessing of children, while Hannah is left to weep. And she hears about it...daily.

It's been years since my last bitter weep, but I can sympathize with Hannah's position. My life and my workplace present a series of unloving husbands and unfit parents. Meanwhile, my possessions and my loved ones have been counted and sacrificed to my Father. I want for little in this world, and what I desire I want for Him.

Why is it that I yearn, and isn't what I have as good as ten sons?

015

I was driving to work with a heavy heart Sunday morning, when I received a sudden prompt to turn off the radio. I immediately realized how difficult it was to drive in silence and confront the concerns on my heart; I was also convicted by the seeming obstacles between my current state and an effective prayer life.

It was not intentional to begin a fast the first week of Lent, but it worked out that way. Each day, I've become painfully aware of my conditioned impulse to press the radio button upon entry. It's disgusted me to a degree -- how can I say that I prefer the holy to the common things, if my flesh is so easily nurtured by a thoughtless response?

This isn't a post about the evils of music or even the evils of the secular entertainment industry. That argument would be missing the point -- this is about the fight for my heart. To what have I prostituted my ownership, and what has it done for me?

The accepted conviction ends where the pursuit begins: what Glory would be revealed if entering His throne room became as natural as pressing that button?

014

Wednesday, August 5, 1998

Halfway through my first week as a teen camp counselor, I'm asked to lead a volleyball game for the campers. When my funky looking serve proves unexpectedly effective, I make a point to mock the opposition. A beautiful 17-year-old camper does her best to belittle my inflated ego, leading to some teasing repartee.

Friday, August 7

After finishing my breakfast, I deliver my cafeteria tray to the dishwashing window. The same girl is working inside the window and reprimands me for dirtying three glasses instead of reusing the same glass. I respond by drinking two more glasses of milk and slamming the empty glasses in the window. She pretends to be annoyed, but smiles. I do my best to remain professional through the remainder of the day.

Sunday, August 9

Teen Camp ends a few hours before the final worship service. I shyly approach the girl to tell her that I'll see her in a year.

Monday, August 10

I call to ask her on a date. She accepts.

Saturday, August 15

I pick her up and we eat a quietly awkward dinner at Applebees. She's rather "go-with-the-flow" and is still waiting for God to reveal her greater passions. I scrap my initial plans for a more romantic evening and choose to take her bowling. Our conversation loosens up as we engage in playful competition. She wins 2 of 3 games. I conclude that she isn't really into me because she offers little initial feedback, and I'm not accustomed to attractive girls reciprocating. I decide it was a failure.

October 1998

At an overnight youth event, a couple girls that attend her church tell me that she allegedly had a good time and thought it was sweet of me to "lose on purpose." I communicate my confusion and remain too intimidated to set up a second date.

December 1998

She sends me a Christmas letter, finishing with the statement: "Pretty sure you still exist -- feel free to reassure me."

Mind you, this was my last date with an emotionally mature female until this past weekend. I allude to this because:

1. I've cared for a series of women holding colossal amounts of spiritual baggage.
2. I initially attract women that want me to understand them (something I do well -- something I do for a living) rather than desire to know me. I'm not sure how to let a woman know me.
3. When a woman has nothing to fix, I don't understand my role in the relationship.
4. When a woman has nothing to fix, I confuse her lack of dependence for a lack of interest. This leads to personal insecurity.
5. I torture myself over the fine line between maintaining a healthy relationship and fearing an ongoing friendship with a woman that is annoyed by my company. Clearly, if she isn't interested and I'm beating a dead horse, this makes me inconsiderate of her feelings. So I'd rather cut off communication than bother a woman who's only sparing my feelings

I wish this wasn't for real. I know that it's laden with lies. I should be able to enjoy the company of a Spirit-led woman without hiding in my shell. It's all so easy on paper. Through this blog (or through some dreadful dating profile), I know that I'm worth a woman's time; I take confidence in the keystroke. And I'm not sure that my personal contact is as vile as I make it in my head (as established by the prologue of this post). But I haven't identified the lies well enough to determine why this happens or why I evaluate myself with an impossible standard.

I'd prefer not to answer these questions alone -- I will always reason the same depressing conclusion, faulty as it may be. Should I pray that God would send me the grace of a spiritually-free woman with the patience to know me, and why does this feel like a selfish request?

013

How do I distinguish between God's graceful protection and the common consequence of sin? I convince myself in hindsight that I am receiving the former, but has my heart ever been pure enough to know?

012

Greetings from Memphis!

I'm posting from Bluff Coffee City in the downtown art district. They have a Simonelli, which nearly moved me to jump behind the counter to make my own latte. The barista's effort was sufficient however (minus using the spoon and thermometer for her art). I was a little disappointed that it didn't stop raining from the time I left St. Louis yesterday morning until early this morning, so I wasn't able to do much exploring last night. I did a little driving about, but the city lighting is extremely poor; between the reflection of the wet streets and my lacking Memphis experience, mapping was minimal.

The sky is overcast this morning, and it's supposed to clear up to a high of 60 this afternoon! I'm a few blocks from all the independent shops and the music district. I'm looking to camp out my car while I have a parking spot, and maybe catch a blues show tonight. Very St. Louis Loop...ish. Also reminds me of my days roaming Westport (K.C.) for a tasty lamb kabob. Once you've seen one mid-central river city, you've probably seen them all -- music, barbecue, and hipster Christians :)

They don't have chili cheese burritos at Memphis Taco Bells. Don't know if I could live here :) But their speed was quicker than any drive thru I have EVER visited. On a more serious note, large sections of the city could benefit from the same sort of restoration that God is leading in St. Louis. So who knows?

I'm leaving tomorrow for Evansville and then heading home Saturday afternoon. Hip Hop Hooray for good vacations!

And since I've made a point of utilizing my 2012 posts to ask questions rather than solve problems, I'll provide one that's been floating through my head:

Is it possible to find true spiritual unity on the blogwaves, or is everyone too absorbed in their own thing? I believe that God can redeem anything He chooses, but haven't seen that yet. I don't think any of my current readers were with me before the relaunch, but The Ledger was initially designed to be a forum for young Christians to share self-written articles. My audience at the time (mostly hometown friends) wasn't feeling it. Should I give it another go and shut my trap?

011

I've been thinking about fear this week and how it relates to the call for complete submission.

I consider this a grace: money has never been a concern for me. It was one of my first areas of sacrifice, and I have never wrestled with it since. If God told me to sell everything, no problem. If God asked me to move anywhere, big deal. When God prompts me to speak truth among a group of elders I've never met, I trust that He's behind it.

But I recognize the comfort in this. If my "easy" sacrifices are found uncommon by the world, I can rest in these and ignore my fears. My social deficits are afforded by my worldly detachment.

Five years ago, this was completely fine. With a heart of stone, it cost me nothing to sell anything, move anywhere, speak whatever. The restored heart that craves communion? It has something to lose.

I've reasoned every fleshly path to raising a family without spiritual compromise, and each solution is lacking. Being honest with my deceived heart this morning: I do not believe that a woman would willingly follow me into a life without earthly inheritance. I have no difficulty in believing that God will provide for me, but I have no confidence that another would trust that. Independence has allowed me to walk in faith while failing to challenge someone I love. I see the difficulties that others have experienced in calling their wives "all in," and I fear the responsibility of that union. I feel that I will fail her, even as God has never failed me. Silly, huh?

010

Welcome to a "very special episode" of Solomon's Ledger.

Okay, so I'm on vacation.

My vacation may be comprised of activities uncommon to a true vacation, but the important thing is that I am receiving ten days apart from the emotional vacuum of my job. This vacation is also significant in that it is my first traveling expedition since the romantic disaster of 2010. But according to my friend Michael, I am at my best (i.e. spiritually myself) when I am taking risks.

Good news: it required almost five years to grieve my first heartbreak and begin taking risks, so I must be getting better at this -- not that I am welcoming more pain.

And at the risk of sounding cynical, this is what relationships bring: the potential for pain. The reason I never got hurt in my mid-to-late twenties was because I made myself emotionally unavailable. I risked nothing, I loved nothing, and I felt nothing.

Feeling is wonderful, but denying the existence of prior heartache is like convincing myself that 1+1=10...

You don't understand! My entire mastery of the mathematical discipline is contingent on 2 being the sum of 1 and itself!

Such is the reckless pursuit of God and romance. Even if my heart wants to believe that I won't get hurt, my risk has not historically been rewarded by those I love. I must return to Christ's feet to learn binomials, discovering that my experiences have not contradicted reality, but neither have they offered a full picture of His plan. Caught in the lies of my pain is the truth: I've been hurt, but my Jesus restores hearts.

Questions never cease. What if I give up everything? What if my heart becomes so aligned with Christ that the world rejects me? What if nobody else will follow? What happens when it's just me and Him, and "further" dreams are cast aside? Will I cling to the pride of my lonely martyrdom, or will I humbly praise His name?

Can this heart manifest the joy of the Lord?

009

A couple friends had asked me last week whether I had resolved the questions in my previous post. Admittedly, I had not. I conceded that the only wise step was to ask God to guard my heart against the actions of my flesh.

Isn't it wonderful to know that God's answer to two somewhat troubling options is not compromise? In the end, the stable gal became more uninteresting, and the exciting girl was as flighty as expected. I could have pursued what I considered the lesser of two evils and wound up with something...well, evil.

But what if God knew a woman that loves Him, has a sound (and sharp) mind, enjoys new adventures, and guards her purity? Wouldn't that be infinitely better than a compromise?