[More appropriately titled: Crap.]
I have a confession. I've been online dating again. As a result, an inner struggle is rising to the surface...
Head or heart?
I didn't get any bites for a few days. I messaged a couple nice girls, but they all seemed to lack something essential. I know...my standards are impossible. Anyway, on day five I received a message from a woman that found my profile. She seems nice. She cares about discipleship and church reformation; she's incredibly stable and organized. I wouldn't have to fear my heart being broken, and I know she's spiritually mature and ready for a relationship. For lack of a better term, she's domesticated.
This is what my head has been telling me. Stop fooling with the restless gals. Leave the adventurous ones for another sucker. Offer your strength to someone that can appreciate your sincerity. Settle down and raise a family. Ignore the uninteresting features and appreciate the steadfast heart. I spent the entire night trying to convince my heart to get on board.
Tonight, I looked at my visitor list. Bad mistake. It took .0000000748 seconds for my heart to flutter. Vulnerability, sensitivity, humility, redemption, sacrifice. And a complete mess. She checked out my page without messaging me -- didn't presume to be good enough. My head told me I was stupid. It reminded me how I'm certain to get hurt.
I ignored my head...again.
She replied in less than 30 minutes, flattered by my sincerity.
It's not too late to jump ship. Why can't I jump ship?
4 comments:
I'm not going to lie... this did make my heart hurt a little.
Not because I think online dating is wrong- my Mom's doing it (maybe it does make me a little bitter- I'm not sure yet).
But it does seem to take away a little bit more of the hope I have.
Anthony, you are a Godly man. It is ridiculous that an amazing Godly man such as yourself would have to resort to finding the One the Lord has for you in this way. It doesn't make sense to me. It hurts me.
Where are men like you when amazing Godly women are ready for not only a family... but an adventure as well? Is it still possible for a man and a woman to come together in God's perfect plan to make a difference through His strength and power... through His love and His blood?
Please don't think that I'm directing this specifically at you. If the Lord is leading you in this direction, maybe she could be the One you've been waiting for?
But where have all the Godly men gone? Is it necessary now to find them all on online dating sites, because if that's the case- I give up. I'm done.
I mean what's the point? My heart gets so stinking consumed with hoping for the future and thinking of what "can" be that I steal the joy and opportunities the Lord has put in my path today.
This isn't the way He intended for us to live. What is it that is holding so many of us back from walking in the "life to the full" that He has promised us?
Are you supposed to jump ship?
I almost feel like its time to just stop hoping for any of it.
Here's the rub:
A) I don't "go to" church.
B) I'm not going to attend one with the chief motivation to find a wife.
C) I'm not going to ask women to stop attending one with the chief motivation to find a husband.
Conclusion: I must utilize methods that humble myself greatly to find Godly women already pusuing Him first.
These are my reasons, and I was torn by this for a while. And I would venture to say, you're not going to find "men like me" anywhere in your church circles either. Godly men? Yes, and plenty of them. If you want a Godly man, I'm certain you see them every Sunday. But men like me aren't interested or compromising. And I'm not presuming that's a better thing than the men you'll find in church; that's for you to decide.
I also think you lack some perspective having invested in the same guy for five years. If anyone should have credibility to give up hope, it should be me as well. But since you've been looking for four months, I'm not sure that you can see that this is a very short amount of time. What are your expectations for God, and what healing is He seeing you through this season? Don't lose sight of the bigger picture.
This post honestly had less to do with the decision to date online and more to do with the sort of women I'm attracted to, and whether or not I'm seeing the Lord's hand clearly or chasing my own impulses. I hope I didn't hurt you deeply. I do care about you and your troubles, but I was writing this specifically from my own particular set of difficulties, and I'm not sure they apply to everyone looking.
Thanks for your reply.
First, I understand your reasons for your methods... I pray that you continue to be led by the Lord through it all. (As far as C goes... what does that mean? Are you specifically looking for someone who doesn't attend church? Is this compromising? So would you say I'm a compromising Christian for being apart of the body where I'm at? I'm just not clear.)
Next, you are correct in that I lack perspective.
I would suggest to you however... that I was single longer than I was with "him" and that even in being with him... I was still single most of the time. Honestly, this doesn't matter (let's leave me out of it completely), but my heart still hurts for my friends. Specifically I have four close friends who are women (in their late 20's early 30's) waiting for their husband.
Do I see Godly men every Sunday? Let's me more specific. Do I see Godly "single" men who LIVE passionately for the Lord? No. I can honestly say that in my "Christian circles" there are absolutely NONE(possibly my ex-fiance). This is what pains my heart.
I apologize for seeming like I was making your post and your thoughts about me... that was not my intention, but that is what I did- sorry! I do hope the best for you. I appreciate your heart and vulnerability.
As far as the sort of women you are attracted to... it is hard. The restless and adventurous types are definitely not the tame kind who you don't have to worry about being hurt by. I have constantly struggled with my heart and mind and the conflicts that arise. I have a tendency to jump off cliffs with my heart while the whole time my mind warns me of the coming danger.
I replied while getting ready for work...hopefully I can be a little clearer this time around :)
I'm implying that I don't find it righteous or of pure motivation to ask a woman to leave their church to follow me. If a woman chooses to follow, understanding that I have no intent of ministering within an institutional worship setting again...well, that would be her choice.
For myself and other men that have been called out of this, we would be compromising our call by returning to what we've been called from to find a wife. If a woman attends an institutional church regularly, it is because she has specific needs being met through that church. And that's perfectly fine. But I'm not going to call her to follow, so that she can live with regret for the rest of her life because she loves going to a worship service and I despise it. That's not fair to either of us.
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