For whatever reason, it has been painfully difficult to center my mind on Christ this week. It could be a number of things: engaging the spiritual battle with this consecration project, being annoyed with not finding a single piece of useful information written by a single male, "celebrating" another birthday with my parents at age 33, staying up too late / sleeping in too late, seeing indoor housework that I don't feel motivated to finish, etc.
He's certainly present, but I acknowledge that I've been resistant. My resistance has not been aggressive; I'm nonchalantly ignoring the Spirit as if He's deserving of my being aloof, same as I've related with every other friend lately. I feel as if my friends cannot empathize, so I'm tired of rehashing the same old discontented thoughts about His Kingdom here in the U.S. I feel as if my Father does understand but has decided to leave me on this earth anyway, so what's the use in ruining myself further for an audience of One?
Somewhere I've missed that the point for Him is to be with me. I'm not used to that. I've known God personally for fifteen years, and it's still hard for me to accept being wanted without offering a service. To my friends in elementary school I was popular and imaginative, to my friends in high school I was romantic and accepting, to my camp and small group kids I was cool and fun, to my youth group teens I was insightful and wise, and to the coffeehouse world I was a calming presence. I've rarely been chosen or sought for my heart -- when I have it's ended badly, whether for their misdeeds or my own.
To choose His Spirit is to respond to Something that has found me first. When I feel like my life is absent of fruit, I feel I have nothing to give Him of use. In reality, He never asked for that as a bargaining chip. He's pleased when I offer my life sacrificially, but my cleanliness was never a term of agreement for our relationship.
First, He is my Creator: I am a living manifestation of His glory and masculinity.
Second, He is my Redeemer: I am a saved and cleansed by His selfless act and the shedding of His blood.
Third, He is my Restorer: I am being molded and perfected according to His likeness and His original intent.
None of these roles say anything about what He gains from me. Am I comfortable engaging fully in a relationship where I am the sole benefactor? Or must I comprehend the treasure that I am to Him to accept the blessing of His continual presence? I don't know that I'll ever understand that on earth.
And I see where this same problem casts poison into my earthly relationships. One man has accepted the blessing of pouring into my life without return, and I find it difficult to even make a phone call for fear of being a burden. One hypothetical woman would serve as my grace in marriage, but instead I've pursued those that will feast on my spirit without reciprocation. When did I decide that I should not receive good gifts?
I don't think that I consciously decided this, but my faith is lacking. To place hope in receiving a love that considers my heart above my services is unprecedented and uncomfortable. I've come to assume that God and my loved ones don't want it. I know for a fact that this is a lie about God. He has endured some drastic measures to hold my heart. I cannot say for certain that a mortal would ever desire my heart. It is when I attribute this lack of faith to the assurance I have in my Father that our relationship becomes corrupt.
Maybe I should stop writing and begin praying...
1 comment:
This is so heartfelt and honest, thank you for posting it. It's a beautiful thing to be loved just for who we are by the One who created us. It's hard (maybe impossible?) to fully comprehend this kind of love but it's such a satisfying one to accept.
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