I do not suppose it makes much sense to grieve the loss of my wife's sexual purity before we meet, but I find myself doing just that. My flesh would love to cling to an arrogant pride that says I deserve a virgin bride, but I cannot be naive. The older I get, the greater an anomaly it becomes; the greater the anomaly, the more selective we all become.
Thankfully, God has worked on my heart in this area, and has taught me much about redemption and what it means to be pure. That is to say, if He determines that a righteous woman is redeemed from her sexual past, I would be a fool to deny a gift He has granted. I must trust that God can establish a holy union of trust and security within His anointed relationship, regardless of the past that either of us bring to the table.
But if my heart is honest, I cannot deny that a difficulty remains. The women I have dated with a sexual past have not been interested in rehashing painful events for the sake of healing, and my passion for redemption will always call for that. For me, there is no experience beyond His grace, but I do expect that God would heal us to the extent that we would live as a testimony of such, rather than pushing our core pain to the depths for the enemy to use for condemnation at the least opportune moment. And I expect nothing less of the redemption of my own sin.
This is why I grieve. While I acknowledge the potential for my Father to be so good as to bless me with a virgin bride, I must allow for the statistical likelihood that we will face the greater challenge, even while I will feel inadequate to identify. And I know that I will recklessly address her pain, because I know it is better to demonstrate His glory and grace than to hide in shame. Leaving such a difficult choice in her hands will be excruciatingly vulnerable, because I will knowingly be leading her into discomfort. If she rejects my loving intent, we are certain to marry into insecurity. If she accepts the narrow path, I must watch her dive into the pain. Am I prepared to be the man that He requires and place the fragile wounds on the altar?
It seems so unnecessary. If abstinence was understood as an act of worship towards a personal God, I am convinced that men and women would purpose chastity in their hearts. But because sexual purity is presented as an uncommon expectation of a lawful and distant Father, we are too willing to miss the loving act of protection in His word. So much grief could be avoided without the complications of premarital sex, but I only seem to hear the lessons of those who did not wait and regret it. Perhaps I should be bolder about my virginity, but I fear casting guilt upon the redeemed who have worked beyond their mistakes. This is why I find healing so necessary: if our pasts could be communicated as a testimony of His grace, we could engage in honest discussion without fearing an undeserving shame.
I'm not sure what I can do the next time around, but I know that I need His wisdom. As much as I grieve for my own suspected loss, I shed more tears for the men and women that struggle to find the forgiveness that disarms Satan's lies.
2 comments:
Once again, I like this post too. I've struggled with the same thoughts, I want to marry someone who remained pure for Jesus and for me because I have, that's what God wants and it's the best thing but I have to be grace-filled enough to accept those who didn't but have since been transformed in spirit. Forgiveness is key.
Thanks for sharing, Laurel. I know it's a false assumption, but guys like me come to the place where we perceive that girls care less about their future husbands' purity than we do about future wives'. Undoubtedly, Satan is feeding woman the opposite lie, so that we might lose hope for our spouse maintaining his or her sexual purity.
That's one of the primary reasons that I began this blog. I feel like we make assumptions about the opposite sex from our own negative experiences, whereas God wants us to continue seeking the holy standard He has placed on our hearts.
When the pendulum settles towards His truth, we find that there is an appropriate balance of seeking a holy spouse while acknowledging that He is the only one that makes us clean. If we allow God to direct our hearts towards this kind of spiritual purity, we will also begin to recognize it in others, regardless of their past.
Should this change the fact that you and I will hope to be united with someone offering the gift of physical purity? No. Without the corruption of sin, He intended us to be monogamous beings, and created us with that desire in mind. Will there be pain and insecurity to work through if we marry someone with a sexual past? Probably. But I believe that God restores that which he redeems for a holy purpose, and will offer a loving grace within a relationship that He anoints, whether our past iniquities are sexual or otherwise.
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