014

Wednesday, August 5, 1998

Halfway through my first week as a teen camp counselor, I'm asked to lead a volleyball game for the campers. When my funky looking serve proves unexpectedly effective, I make a point to mock the opposition. A beautiful 17-year-old camper does her best to belittle my inflated ego, leading to some teasing repartee.

Friday, August 7

After finishing my breakfast, I deliver my cafeteria tray to the dishwashing window. The same girl is working inside the window and reprimands me for dirtying three glasses instead of reusing the same glass. I respond by drinking two more glasses of milk and slamming the empty glasses in the window. She pretends to be annoyed, but smiles. I do my best to remain professional through the remainder of the day.

Sunday, August 9

Teen Camp ends a few hours before the final worship service. I shyly approach the girl to tell her that I'll see her in a year.

Monday, August 10

I call to ask her on a date. She accepts.

Saturday, August 15

I pick her up and we eat a quietly awkward dinner at Applebees. She's rather "go-with-the-flow" and is still waiting for God to reveal her greater passions. I scrap my initial plans for a more romantic evening and choose to take her bowling. Our conversation loosens up as we engage in playful competition. She wins 2 of 3 games. I conclude that she isn't really into me because she offers little initial feedback, and I'm not accustomed to attractive girls reciprocating. I decide it was a failure.

October 1998

At an overnight youth event, a couple girls that attend her church tell me that she allegedly had a good time and thought it was sweet of me to "lose on purpose." I communicate my confusion and remain too intimidated to set up a second date.

December 1998

She sends me a Christmas letter, finishing with the statement: "Pretty sure you still exist -- feel free to reassure me."

Mind you, this was my last date with an emotionally mature female until this past weekend. I allude to this because:

1. I've cared for a series of women holding colossal amounts of spiritual baggage.
2. I initially attract women that want me to understand them (something I do well -- something I do for a living) rather than desire to know me. I'm not sure how to let a woman know me.
3. When a woman has nothing to fix, I don't understand my role in the relationship.
4. When a woman has nothing to fix, I confuse her lack of dependence for a lack of interest. This leads to personal insecurity.
5. I torture myself over the fine line between maintaining a healthy relationship and fearing an ongoing friendship with a woman that is annoyed by my company. Clearly, if she isn't interested and I'm beating a dead horse, this makes me inconsiderate of her feelings. So I'd rather cut off communication than bother a woman who's only sparing my feelings

I wish this wasn't for real. I know that it's laden with lies. I should be able to enjoy the company of a Spirit-led woman without hiding in my shell. It's all so easy on paper. Through this blog (or through some dreadful dating profile), I know that I'm worth a woman's time; I take confidence in the keystroke. And I'm not sure that my personal contact is as vile as I make it in my head (as established by the prologue of this post). But I haven't identified the lies well enough to determine why this happens or why I evaluate myself with an impossible standard.

I'd prefer not to answer these questions alone -- I will always reason the same depressing conclusion, faulty as it may be. Should I pray that God would send me the grace of a spiritually-free woman with the patience to know me, and why does this feel like a selfish request?

013

How do I distinguish between God's graceful protection and the common consequence of sin? I convince myself in hindsight that I am receiving the former, but has my heart ever been pure enough to know?

012

Greetings from Memphis!

I'm posting from Bluff Coffee City in the downtown art district. They have a Simonelli, which nearly moved me to jump behind the counter to make my own latte. The barista's effort was sufficient however (minus using the spoon and thermometer for her art). I was a little disappointed that it didn't stop raining from the time I left St. Louis yesterday morning until early this morning, so I wasn't able to do much exploring last night. I did a little driving about, but the city lighting is extremely poor; between the reflection of the wet streets and my lacking Memphis experience, mapping was minimal.

The sky is overcast this morning, and it's supposed to clear up to a high of 60 this afternoon! I'm a few blocks from all the independent shops and the music district. I'm looking to camp out my car while I have a parking spot, and maybe catch a blues show tonight. Very St. Louis Loop...ish. Also reminds me of my days roaming Westport (K.C.) for a tasty lamb kabob. Once you've seen one mid-central river city, you've probably seen them all -- music, barbecue, and hipster Christians :)

They don't have chili cheese burritos at Memphis Taco Bells. Don't know if I could live here :) But their speed was quicker than any drive thru I have EVER visited. On a more serious note, large sections of the city could benefit from the same sort of restoration that God is leading in St. Louis. So who knows?

I'm leaving tomorrow for Evansville and then heading home Saturday afternoon. Hip Hop Hooray for good vacations!

And since I've made a point of utilizing my 2012 posts to ask questions rather than solve problems, I'll provide one that's been floating through my head:

Is it possible to find true spiritual unity on the blogwaves, or is everyone too absorbed in their own thing? I believe that God can redeem anything He chooses, but haven't seen that yet. I don't think any of my current readers were with me before the relaunch, but The Ledger was initially designed to be a forum for young Christians to share self-written articles. My audience at the time (mostly hometown friends) wasn't feeling it. Should I give it another go and shut my trap?

011

I've been thinking about fear this week and how it relates to the call for complete submission.

I consider this a grace: money has never been a concern for me. It was one of my first areas of sacrifice, and I have never wrestled with it since. If God told me to sell everything, no problem. If God asked me to move anywhere, big deal. When God prompts me to speak truth among a group of elders I've never met, I trust that He's behind it.

But I recognize the comfort in this. If my "easy" sacrifices are found uncommon by the world, I can rest in these and ignore my fears. My social deficits are afforded by my worldly detachment.

Five years ago, this was completely fine. With a heart of stone, it cost me nothing to sell anything, move anywhere, speak whatever. The restored heart that craves communion? It has something to lose.

I've reasoned every fleshly path to raising a family without spiritual compromise, and each solution is lacking. Being honest with my deceived heart this morning: I do not believe that a woman would willingly follow me into a life without earthly inheritance. I have no difficulty in believing that God will provide for me, but I have no confidence that another would trust that. Independence has allowed me to walk in faith while failing to challenge someone I love. I see the difficulties that others have experienced in calling their wives "all in," and I fear the responsibility of that union. I feel that I will fail her, even as God has never failed me. Silly, huh?

010

Welcome to a "very special episode" of Solomon's Ledger.

Okay, so I'm on vacation.

My vacation may be comprised of activities uncommon to a true vacation, but the important thing is that I am receiving ten days apart from the emotional vacuum of my job. This vacation is also significant in that it is my first traveling expedition since the romantic disaster of 2010. But according to my friend Michael, I am at my best (i.e. spiritually myself) when I am taking risks.

Good news: it required almost five years to grieve my first heartbreak and begin taking risks, so I must be getting better at this -- not that I am welcoming more pain.

And at the risk of sounding cynical, this is what relationships bring: the potential for pain. The reason I never got hurt in my mid-to-late twenties was because I made myself emotionally unavailable. I risked nothing, I loved nothing, and I felt nothing.

Feeling is wonderful, but denying the existence of prior heartache is like convincing myself that 1+1=10...

You don't understand! My entire mastery of the mathematical discipline is contingent on 2 being the sum of 1 and itself!

Such is the reckless pursuit of God and romance. Even if my heart wants to believe that I won't get hurt, my risk has not historically been rewarded by those I love. I must return to Christ's feet to learn binomials, discovering that my experiences have not contradicted reality, but neither have they offered a full picture of His plan. Caught in the lies of my pain is the truth: I've been hurt, but my Jesus restores hearts.

Questions never cease. What if I give up everything? What if my heart becomes so aligned with Christ that the world rejects me? What if nobody else will follow? What happens when it's just me and Him, and "further" dreams are cast aside? Will I cling to the pride of my lonely martyrdom, or will I humbly praise His name?

Can this heart manifest the joy of the Lord?

009

A couple friends had asked me last week whether I had resolved the questions in my previous post. Admittedly, I had not. I conceded that the only wise step was to ask God to guard my heart against the actions of my flesh.

Isn't it wonderful to know that God's answer to two somewhat troubling options is not compromise? In the end, the stable gal became more uninteresting, and the exciting girl was as flighty as expected. I could have pursued what I considered the lesser of two evils and wound up with something...well, evil.

But what if God knew a woman that loves Him, has a sound (and sharp) mind, enjoys new adventures, and guards her purity? Wouldn't that be infinitely better than a compromise?

008

[More appropriately titled: Crap.]

I have a confession. I've been online dating again. As a result, an inner struggle is rising to the surface...

Head or heart?

I didn't get any bites for a few days. I messaged a couple nice girls, but they all seemed to lack something essential. I know...my standards are impossible. Anyway, on day five I received a message from a woman that found my profile. She seems nice. She cares about discipleship and church reformation; she's incredibly stable and organized. I wouldn't have to fear my heart being broken, and I know she's spiritually mature and ready for a relationship. For lack of a better term, she's domesticated.

This is what my head has been telling me. Stop fooling with the restless gals. Leave the adventurous ones for another sucker. Offer your strength to someone that can appreciate your sincerity. Settle down and raise a family. Ignore the uninteresting features and appreciate the steadfast heart. I spent the entire night trying to convince my heart to get on board.

Tonight, I looked at my visitor list. Bad mistake. It took .0000000748 seconds for my heart to flutter. Vulnerability, sensitivity, humility, redemption, sacrifice. And a complete mess. She checked out my page without messaging me -- didn't presume to be good enough. My head told me I was stupid. It reminded me how I'm certain to get hurt.

I ignored my head...again.

She replied in less than 30 minutes, flattered by my sincerity.

It's not too late to jump ship. Why can't I jump ship?