dreams

There are two difficulties that caution me from sharing the dreams that God has laid on my heart:

1. Acknowledging my dreams forces me to hope, which leaves me vulnerable to disappointment. (lack of faith)
2. Hoping out loud holds me accountable to loved ones that challenge my growth. (lack of healthy dependence)

Likewise, I recognize the misery incurred within an aimless lifestyle. If I wait for my whims and feelings to align with God's heart, I'm reminded that God has an abundant supply of "wilderness" through which I can tread two or three times. I'd like to avoid that where simple obedience and diligence could spare me the mileage.

So contrary to the interest of my self-preservation, I will dare to hope:

My heart is that God will be glorified. He does not offer us dreams without intending to demonstrate Himself. A dream solely for my own satisfaction is one pursued in vain. I hope that the fulfillment of each dream will graciously reveal His love, His character, and His truth. He has granted me no greater privilege than to live as a beacon of light.

My heart is for a pure and lovely assembly. Christ has named us His bride, and we have been charged to reveal His mysteries to the dying as instruments of reconciliation. We are not asked to reconcile mankind with itself, though unity is found in fellowship with the Lord. No, we are asked to point every man and woman to the Christ that gave us life and set us free. We must first bear this testimony ourselves. Where the assembly is modeled and structured with the unbeliever in mind, we squander His intent and bring dishonor to the name of His people. In love and grace, we should pursue righteousness for the sake of the kingdom He is establishing in the hearts of men.

My heart is for the sick, impoverished, and poor in Spirit. Rather than inviting them to an unevenly yoked assembly, I want to actively participate in the lives of the broken. I desire to participate in the life of Christ by offering my very life for the lost. Only then will they know Him to be the God that transforms.

My heart is for a humble, ruined woman to be my wife. She must be the kind of woman that would sacrifice everything to receive her eternal inheritance. She must be willing to live anywhere, own nothing, and love everyone. I desire to begin every morning with her hands in mine, meeting our Lord in prayer. We will love and minister as one flesh, representing Christ's love for His people. We will spur one another in intimacy with Christ and be a comfort to one another for the rest of our days.

My heart is for offspring that I would be privileged to spiritually lead. They would grow up on the mission field and understand what it means to serve those in need as opposed to seeking their own privilege. I pray that my children would know the Lord through firsthand experience of His faithfulness, joyfully living with less and being grateful that it's enough. I look forward to blessing them as a good father should and taking an interest in every area of their lives. Discipleship will begin with my own family and I anticipate daily opportunities to teach and affirm God's intervention in their walk.

death

I was minding myself at work yesterday when God sent me an African-American prophetess to speak into my life about God's heart (and our frustrations with this dry land resistant to sanctification and reconciliation). Most challenging for the both of us is covering our beautiful pearls when "believers" would trounce them as pigs. My heart cries for a ripe audience.

Anyway, I told her that this place was killing me; she promptly interjected, "Not killing you -- killing your flesh." Truth. What makes this season so torturous are not those around me, but the lack of comfort they provide, even in areas where they previously sufficed. Spirit only consoles spirit. Even where God would have my physical and relational needs met, He would have them met through divine people and circumstances. Whatever I seek for my own good will consistently fall short of what He graces for my perseverance.

Lord, sustain me in this death, and bring my spirit greater life!

flesh

In the psych world, they refer to them as "self-defeating behaviors." I know better. They are entirely spiritual. These are the crazy measures that men and women are willing to take when something they covet is threatened. For me, that something happens to be human intimacy -- I find it comical that I fight to defend myself from losing something that I do not possess. This fight quickly transforms me from a reasonable, rational being into an impulsive, destructive monster with no regard for anyone but myself. In the end, I sabotage myself from attaining the one thing I desire.

I'm not sure how He plans to make me well, but I want to be well. When I presume that I've healed because I'm walking in the Spirit, it cannot be put to the test until the next time I dare to move, at which point I consistently find that I have not. I don't know what else to do or how long He would have me endure this pain. I'm tired of hurting.

Tomorrow I will feel better, just as I felt fine yesterday. But I'd rather take confidence that this will one day be finished. I need this fragile hope.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

gifts (pt. 2)

If I asked a crowd of sports fans to name the two most prominent Christian athletes of our day, it wouldn’t astonish anyone if they surmised the same two names:

Athlete One was born to missionary parents active in the field. At a young age, he was taught the benefit of deep Christian values and homeschooled with his four siblings. His home state had previously passed legislation that allowed homeschooled children to participate in local high school athletics, so the family moved to a district with a pass-oriented offense to demonstrate his skills as a quarterback. After twice being named state player of the year, Athlete One attended his parents’ alma mater, winning two national championships and the Heisman trophy. Drafted in the first round of the NFL draft, he led his team to the playoffs in his first year as the primary starter. Athlete One is visibly noted for his charity work, vocal demonstration of his faith, and his decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Athlete Two was born to former athletes; by the age of four his father had laid out a plan to make him a professional athlete. Spending his childhood honing his baseball ability with his dad and older brother, he was quickly asked to participate with older kids in Little League due to his advanced skills. Earning a reputation among scouts as a humble, All-American country boy, Athlete Two led his high school to the state finals as a pitcher and hitter. He was drafted first overall the following year; his parents decided to quit their jobs and travel with him in the minor leagues so that his mom could cook for him and his dad could discuss his performance. Following a car accident that forced his parents to recuperate at home, Athlete Two wrestled with injuries on the field. On his own for the first time, he made new friends and developed addictions to alcohol, cocaine, and meth. After numerous attempts at rehab, he was suspended from baseball. By the grace of God, he reconnected with the father of a high school acquaintance that shared the gospel of Jesus. Athlete Two continued to suffer a series of relapses, but eventually found freedom from the drugs and married his high school friend. Having been away from the game for three years, a team took a chance on him; he has since led another team to a pair of league championships and earned MVP honors. As an alcoholic, Athlete Two has publicly addressed his shortcomings and inability to drink in moderation. He admits that aside from a transformational work of Christ, he would never have the strength to sustain himself.

Taking nothing away from Tim Tebow, were I granted the opportunity to shoot the breeze about Jesus with either man, I would choose Josh Hamilton every time.

"It’s my privilege to tell my story. I never get tired of telling it. I know how fortunate I am.

"… There is no reason why I shouldn’t be dead or crippled."

-- Josh Hamilton

There’s just something about grace.

The nature of their struggles is irrelevant. Actually, my life bears closer resemblance to Tebow’s than it ever will to Hamilton’s. From a protective home to a faith-nurturing college, I entered my twenties as a vocal, charitable, virginal leader. While I cannot identify with the limelight and temptation that must follow Tebow at every corner, I could have made any of these boasts apart from Christ. I’m sure that I did.

What draws me closer to Hamilton is not the body of his story, but his conclusion. Regardless of how the enemy might attempt to discredit our testimonies, Hamilton’s story is not stronger because he indulged in drugs, sex, and tattoos. These are merely the facilities God used to bring him to a righteous conclusion. Through a smaller stage and a milder set of circumstances, He revealed to me the same truth:

“There is no reason why I shouldn’t be dead.”

This is the foundational piece of grace I think most Christians miss -- at the very least we fail to communicate it, and I can‘t imagine knowing it and not wanting to share.

I presume that the motivation of Tebow’s heart is to reveal the character of God through his actions and the stage he’s been allowed. If so, he’s done a fantastic job. This sort of diligence speaks volumes to complacent believers that aren’t making Christ central in their lives. Tebow is quick to give God glory for what he has received and considers football his open door to minister. The only thing missing from Tebow’s presentation is a recognition that it’s ALL grace. His supportive family: grace. His freak-athletic ability: grace. The privilege to share in Christ’s name: grace. Tebow shares enough about the value of hard work that I wonder if he’s acknowledged that there’s no reason he shouldn’t be dead aside from the heart-wrenching intervention of his loving Father. He may have, but he doesn‘t seem like the type to recognize his depravity and remain silent; he‘s plenty vocal about his faith. But the lost desperately need this single confession. It is the Gospel that saves.

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GIFT(S) #2 PROPHET / MERCY -- Compassion vs. apathy

Like many young leaders, I was exposed to the mother lode of personality profiles in my late teens and twenties. Our camp director loved Florence Littauer’s work on temperaments, thus I was subject to assessment branding by the tender age of 16. I decided to pick up a copy of her book in college, wherein she describes my results as a “mask for survival.” Not only was I personally dealing with the most emotional blend of personalities, but I was sent on a witch hunt to discover what was wrong with it. The enemy didn’t miss the opportunity.

During my graduate work, an otherwise amazing adjunct professor had us take a Myers-Briggs assessment. My extrovert/introvert line again teetered close to center, coupled by the emotionally driven intuitive/feeler/perceiver. The secular world at least had the decency to accept my results as “unique, but normal.” Regardless, I coveted a greater understanding of what might cause my social demeanor to switch without warning.

[During my most recent job interview, I found it comical that the employer was similarly bewildered by my introvert / extrovert results. It's the first time I've ever filled out a profile for a non-ministry position, and the first time I've ever left a non-ministry interview without a job. Coincidence? When we place too much credence in "fitting," the abnormalities present an administrative difficulty.]

However, it was my experience with spiritual gift inventories that stood most prone to confirmation bias; I quickly learned what would be revealed through honest answers. It was in good humor that other prophets made lighthearted jokes about those bearing the burdens of the mercy-giver, and I didn’t have any documented explanation (spiritual or scientific) as to why I should identify with both. It was much easier to hide the fragile (weaker?) gift.

In my study this week, I considered the seemingly oppositional nature of my "motivational" gifts (Romans 12:6-8). What I found should not be particularly earth-shattering in light of Christ's teachings:

As Jesus went on from there, He saw a man named Matthew, sitting in the tax collector's booth; and He said to him, "Follow Me!" And he got up and followed Him.

Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matt. 9:9-13)

In verse 13, Christ quotes Hosea 6. Perhaps a small connection, but my heart immediately stirred. His words in Hosea have always felt closest to how I've known God to reveal Himself when I'm walking in the Spirit. One part terror, one part compassion: it is His romantic pursuit that allows me to feel something other than crazy, as if He stitched me this way for a reason.

What I must explore are the particular attitudes of His people that provoked particular responses from our Father:

What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
For your loyalty is like a morning cloud
And like the dew which goes away early.
Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets;
I have slain them by the words of My mouth;
And the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. (6:4-5)

For I will be like a lion to Ephraim
And like a young lion to the house of Judah.
I, even I, will tear to pieces and go away,
I will carry away, and there will be none to deliver.
I will go away and return to My place
Until they acknowledge their guilt and seek My face;
In their affliction they will earnestly seek Me. (5:14-15)

When Israel was a youth I loved him,
And out of Egypt I called My son.
The more they called them,
The more they went from them;
They kept sacrificing to the Baals
And burning incense to idols.
Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk,
I took them in My arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love,
And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws;
And I bent down and fed them.
They will not return to the land of Egypt;
But Assyria—he will be their king
Because they refused to return to Me.
The sword will whirl against their cities,
And will demolish their gate bars
And consume them because of their counsels.
So My people are bent on turning from Me.
Though they call them to the One on high,
None at all exalts Him.
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned over within Me,
All My compassions are kindled.
I will not execute My fierce anger;
I will not destroy Ephraim again.
For I am God and not man, the Holy One in your midst,
And I will not come in wrath.
They will walk after the Lord,
He will roar like a lion;
Indeed He will roar
And His sons will come trembling from the west.
They will come trembling like birds from Egypt
And like doves from the land of Assyria;
And I will settle them in their houses, declares the Lord. (11:1-11)

Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God,
For you have stumbled because of your iniquity.
Take words with you and return to the Lord.
Say to Him, “ Take away all iniquity
And receive us graciously,
That we may present the fruit of our lips.
“Assyria will not save us,
We will not ride on horses;
Nor will we say again, ‘Our god,’
To the work of our hands;
For in You the orphan finds mercy.”
I will heal their apostasy,
I will love them freely,
For My anger has turned away from them.
I will be like the dew to Israel;
He will blossom like the lily,
And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.
His shoots will sprout,
And his beauty will be like the olive tree
And his fragrance like the cedars of Lebanon.
Those who live in his shadow
Will again raise grain,
And they will blossom like the vine.
His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon. (14:1-7)

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
“Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
"It will come about in that day,” declares the Lord,
“That you will call Me Ishi
And will no longer call Me Baali.
"For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth,
So that they will be mentioned by their names no more.
“In that day I will also make a covenant for them
With the beasts of the field,
The birds of the sky
And the creeping things of the ground.
And I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land,
And will make them lie down in safety.
“I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the Lord." (2:14-20)

Whereas my heart is drawn to righteous anger at the sight of proud idolatry, it is equally aroused with compassion in the presence of the brokenhearted. For the longest time, my least favorite setting was among a church body because I was placed in position to speak judgment or hold my tongue. Seemingly, I had to choose between burning bridges and disobedience. When I read His word, I'm reminded that discomfort is a small price for righteousness, and it is nearly always a necessary precursor for compassion.

Among the brokenhearted, my heart is easily driven towards mercy. This doesn't mean that Truth and rebuke are unnecessary, but the broken are keenly aware of their need for healing. The doctor doesn't need to convince the terminally ill that measures are necessary for survival. They understand the alternative is death; aside from the hands of Something infinitely greater, they are left to the curse of their deeds.

What we ignore in our flesh is His message of healing. We act as doctors among doctors, spending our days in a common office to verify our own health. Outside these walls lie the sick, but despite our extensive education, we fear contagion more than we desire compassion. My frustrated response is apathy -- if the healthy are nothing more than collectors of unless vials, my correction does little more than harden hearts. They believe their reward is deserved and arrogantly praise God for protecting them from infection. They fail to recognize they were already born with a fatal condition and a willing Antidote.

Though I'm inclined to give up, how dare I turn away? How do I disregard His bride as if we haven't made covenant? Indeed, I cannot. I must chase and ravage in hope for her purity. In my firmness I pray for her to come undone, that she might acknowledge her nakedness and blindness and come to be healed. For in her shame I am predisposed to wrap her in my arms and call her mine. This body of the redeemed will shine His glory among the lost like scorching embers. His compassion cannot be resisted.

new post coming Thursday

In the meantime...

1. All I've been thinking about this week is grace, and why God has even bothered to have a relationship with me. It's completely unreasonable. My entire life I've felt like a leper because my acceptance has always been tied to my function. In short, where I am useful, I am beloved. The idea that someone would go out of their way to meet me in my disease is so foreign. It seems the only valid response is their attempting to convince me that I'm not sick or to adore me until I am shown to have fault. I recognize the corruption in expecting a human to love me unconditionally, but my perception is that others have this in their lives. And I so desperately want something tangible as my comfort. But here's the Creator of the universe wanting to be in relationship with me for no other reason than love... it's hard for me to process. But I just want to be near Him, or perpetually nearer.
2. When I quit my job in April, my primary spiritual reason was that I was hiding behind my work as a means to ignore my longing. And it did a fantastic job of it. Since my emotional energy is not fully spent working with the girls, I am forced to be emotionally honest with my heart, which has been terrifying. To be honest is to admit that I feel regretful, rejected, and untouchable. And then I get a glimpse of human acceptance and I want to suffocate the life out of it, because they're certain to bail when they find out I need them as much as they need me. So I tried applying for another job that would mask my needs in the same way, with an employer that many affirmed would be amazed by me. I prayed that I wouldn't be hired despite my qualifications if God didn't want it for me. He intervened, and while I'm not disappointed by answered prayer, I'm continually pushed back into my pain. His grace is not allowing my escape, if that makes any sense. He wants to heal me rather than leave me functional. It's excruciating.
3. I see that it's unreasonable to expect a noble woman would want to be my helper when I haven't determined where I'm going. And I cannot determine where I'm going until I can trust God to lead me into the unknown. I'm not scared of gunshots, robberies, or physical harm, but I'm frightened of being alone... frightened enough to prevent myself from fully running to Him because I'm scared He might not be everything I need Him to be when it's just the two of us. That sounds really ugly when I see it in words.

This and more on Thursday, but I had to get it off my chest before I retired for the evening. As always, I appreciate your prayers.

archives

I published this post last August and needed these words this evening:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ -- to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-10, emphasis added)

I float about quite a few Christian blogs, and I'm amazed by the number of articles about purity that centralize on the issue of sex. I suppose that I should not be surprised: if one utters the word "purity" in any setting, the presumption is made that the speaker is referring to the uncommon guarding of one's virginity. Because we are a culture fixated with sex, this same connotation is assumed in Christian circles as well, in regards to intercourse, pornography, or "lesser" sexual pleasures.

There are circumstances in which sexual purity is specifically addressed in the Greek text (1 Tim. 4:12 and Titus 5:2 for example), but I have to believe that the Holy Spirit can transcend an educated handling of an ancient language to give every believer the proper perspective. We shouldn't have to break out the parallel Bible each time we see "pure" or "purity" to ask ourselves if Jesus, Paul, or Peter are talking about sex.

Despite our obsession, something much greater is at stake than our sexuality. We have given our hearts to many idols, and each is as certain to kill us as the next. When Paul asks us to be "pure and blameless," he makes it clear that this righteousness can only come from Christ, but this is still to be our aim. If this was nothing more than a decision to remain sexually pure, I would have lived purely and blamelessly my entire life. Trust me, I haven't. My sexual purity is far from my most difficult act of obedience.

Paul's prayer is that the church would begin to discern on their own how to live blamelessly. He could have written hundreds of these letters and established another law, but it would not have served the church anymore than Moses's Law served Israel. God's intent since creation was that His people -- however He determines "His people" within a particular age -- would manifest His glory through praise and holy living. This is the point of it all. Every act of obedience trails back to this intent. This is why living according to a moral standard or upholding some justice to society is of little use in itself: if that standard does not reflect His glory, we have missed the point. We have drawn attention to our own good deeds, but we have not set ourselves apart for His noble purpose.

It is through the Holy Spirit that we are granted the insight and knowledge to know what is pure. We can listen to the secular world or the church's arguments for or against particular acts, but those abounding in love and intimacy with Christ will not be deceived by that which isn't His best. Again, purity and holiness is not an issue of what is common, or even what the church allows. The pursuit of holiness is the continual shedding of things that are not God -- He does not categorize anything in scripture as "neutral." Are there common acts that do not kill our bodies or grieve the Spirit? Yes. We partake in them everyday. But these same acts bring us no closer to manifesting His glory, and this is the only thing that matters in the end! In abounding in love, purity, and righteousness, He would have these removed as well.

Let us not define purity by what it is not. While certain acts may reflect or speak of our purity, it is less about what we do or abstain from, and more a condition of the heart. This condition is served by our willingness to come before Christ and ask Him to make us clean. The power of His blood has already been poured out upon us. Our struggle in purity is not with this earth. It is a question of lordship: to whom would you give your heart?

God has never been impressed with lip service. Likewise, we can do all the good deeds in the world and neglect the idolatry of our heart. If we say that we serve God, but our lives reflect a different "glory," then we are deceiving ourselves. We have made a god of ourselves (and our "purity"), and have handed ourselves to the lordship of the condemned. How can we claim to love Him and not love the things (and people) that He does? How can we claim to serve Him and never stand in His presence? How can we accept His grace and bear no testimony of a life redeemed? How do we glorify Him with closed mouths?

The pure condition is continually looking for opportunities to demonstrate Him to the world. This is where I conclude that while purity has nothing to do with sex, it in fact has everything to do with sex in context with this culture. If God would have us be set apart for His purpose, there is no deed more common than sexual obsession. We cannot run from it if we tried. Therefore, what deed more greatly represents the pure heart than a rejection of our culture's obsession? I do not glorify God because I manage to abstain -- anyone can abstain in their flesh. I abstain because it speaks of His truth, which allows me to shed light among a dying world. And this speaks of His glory.

And so do many other things: selflessness, patience, peace, and the like. All of these are products of the clean and blameless life, and cannot be pursued or found outside of the presence of Christ. In seeking purity, we must refrain from cutting out the "middle man," which is in fact the Foundation -- Christ himself! Find purity in the daily richness of His presence, and discern what is good through the depth of His love.

gifts (pt. 1)

Somewhere in this jumbled mess called a brain rests five posts on 1 Cor. 12. Personally, I feel that chapter 12 is best understood in context with 13 and 14 (as they are with 12), so it may be closer to seventeen posts! Let us alleviate my stress level by beginning with one, then we’ll see where the writing road leads.

One truth I’ve grown to understand is that our enemy does not create. Satan would have us believe that he has ownership of the finer things and nothing could be further from the truth. He’s the quintessential rip-off artist: introducing something valuable as if he’s the author, attempting to sell it hastily at a discount, finally leading us to believe that we’d be crazy to walk away from what we “deserve.” It’s usually too late before we realize that the rip-off had nothing on the original.

When it comes to identifying our purpose, Satan loves for us to become so absorbed by self that we dismiss the spiritual objective. I decided a few years ago to cease administering spiritual gift inventories. Many claim to find usefulness in these questionnaires; I’ve seen them do more harm than good. Like other leadership branding devices, they aim to direct us towards our individual purpose within an established work. Though the results typically verify the obvious, humans have the disagreeable tendency to covet a spiritual identity outside the gifts’ intended use: as a loving service to others.

Paul addresses our potential for “gift corruption” in 13:1-3. The outward gift manifested for the sake of one’s self is nothing but insensitive noise. Whether we define our spiritual gifts or not, our ministry has been authored by our Father, as His children and as ambassadors of Christ. Our identity rests in this mind-blowing privilege rather than any individual manifestation that elevates our position. A gift exercised to build or preserve one’s esteem can only result in corruption.

…Especially in a day when so much emphasis and so much pressure is put on us to esteem ourselves, I kind of go, wow -- I don’t know how anyone can wake up with morning breath and pillow head and feel any self-esteem. That is not the sort of thing I want to put my faith in. And in the church… it is unbelievable to me that this whole foolishness about esteeming yourself has leaked into the church. I kind of go “Christ didn’t ask us to esteem ourselves.”

I think if Christ were asked, I think he’d probably say, “Look buddy, you would be lucky if you could forget yourself. If you could lose yourself, you would be luckier than if you found yourself.” It would be wonderful if you knew the names of the trees between your house and where you work, between your house and your church. If you knew that that was a tulip tree ad you knew that that was a red bud. It would be great if you knew something about your neighbors. It would be a lucky thing if you forgot yourself, if you lost yourself.

-- Rich Mullins

You may ask, “If we are to forget ourselves in regards to gifts, how are we to develop them?” We must bear in mind that just as spiritual gifts are offered by the Holy Spirit, they are exercised when walking in the Spirit. I’m reminded of this passage:

We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and we will assure our heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. (1 John 3:16-22, emphasis added)

Our gifts are made known through love, sacrifice, and diligence, and we are able to make requests to our Father in full confidence once our hearts align with His. We mustn’t study the spiritual gifts for self-discovery, but for an understanding of their use; we will learn and know the Spirit’s inclinations on a particular heart through action. As we minister in love, the gifts become fully evident, for it is Christ (and not the corruption) that manifests the personal leanings within us. The pure Church begins to trust and accept the gifts we find in one another, having the luxury of associating these blessings to the God who moved us to minister.

In summary, it is by obedience to His work rather than standardized evaluation that we identify His offerings. For both you and I, these proclivities are subject to corruption when exercised in our flesh for personal gain or preservation. Herein lies the dichotomy of the two choices God has laid before me. The next few posts will expose my fears one at a time.

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GIFT #1: APOSTLE -- A life of sacrifice vs. a life of isolation

2nd grading period: ‘Anthony is doing better at paying attention and getting his work done and turned in, but every several weeks, he quits again and I get after him. He has SO much ability.’

3rd grading period: ‘Anthony continues to work well. He is doing better in controlling his talking and his organizational skills. I’m pleased with his progress. What a guy!’

4th grading period: ‘I’ve enjoyed keeping after Anthony this year! I’ll miss his wit and intelligence next year. He is one in a million. His mind is constantly spinning.’

-- Mrs. Reed and Mrs. O‘Connor, 4th grade teachers

23 years later, I can’t help but think I’m still that frustrating kid. Throughout elementary school I managed to be one of my teachers’ favorites while requiring continual discipline. They knew it wasn’t personal -- the same mind that they loved was incapable of being contained within the four walls of a classroom. Writing, reading, illustrating, socializing… any activity that developed my mind outside the prescribed regiment was infinitely more interesting. When a kid isn’t doing the required work, how do you convince him to complete the task without discouraging the learning drive that serves as its greatest distraction?

Mrs. Reed was perceptive enough to accelerate me following the first quarter. She had to make it a game. In anticipation of our school’s new honors program, I was asked to complete 4th grade grammar and English in two weeks. She stacked hundreds of worksheet packets on my desk and asked me to finish them by the deadline. By presenting a challenge, Mrs. Reed elicited some untapped diligence. The majority of my teachers were never willing to deviate and only aimed to fix me. Life has been a continual struggle to convince myself that I was never broken.

My discipler Terry once said that dormant apostles are most easily found in jail. I’ve since come to believe this. In its deepest corruption, the foundational question “why?” can lead to rebellion or a complete disregard for authority. It’s not that apostles think they’re always right, but they are always willing to investigate whether something could be wrong. A good church historian would admit that the greatest moves of God have occurred when one of His men were willing to investigate.

My own spiritual journey began with investigation:

• What if I could experience more of God’s presence than what I’ve found in the grandest worship setting?
• Why are many kids raised in the church biblically illiterate and spiritually apathetic?
• Who’s responsibility is it to make disciples?
• If the lost aren’t among us, where are they, and why aren’t we with them?
• Since Jesus speaks of His Kingdom in black and white, why did we determine that varying levels of commitment are acceptable?
• Where is the narrow road -- why do few find it?
  
• What is purity? What is grace?

In a country where love is equated with acceptance, we are taught that we should not criticize something we love. Truth is, I love the church more than you could possibly imagine. One of the reasons marriage is such a mysterious and magnificent concept to me is because it models how Christ loves His Church. When I consider the painstaking measures that our Father takes to purify and correct His Bride, I wonder how we can accept a church that does not fulfill its purpose? Should we have a stray word, we are told to mind our manners because we are insulting an institution that Christ loves. But if my wife went running after other lovers, wouldn’t I rebuke and correct, because I love her? Wouldn’t I do whatever it takes to draw her back? Since the fall, our Father has empowered men to prophecy words of reform and privileged them to lead His people back to purity through new movements of His Spirit. The reformation of the church is a loving act!

My roommate is into politics. A lot. This is not such an awful thing, but should he recognize the flaws on both sides of the political aisle, he would continue to invest his life in making America better. For me, this seems fruitless, but it seems fruitless because I do not love America as he loves America. Reforming the political system is of little consequence to me. My roommate pleads for change because something he loves is at risk. Therefore, it is not those who desire reformation, but those apathetic about its corruption that demonstrate disregard.

The most unloving act is to invest nothing in a growing relationship. Should our defense for the church rest purely out of preservation rather than love, we will see no improvement. The one that loves the church will accept nothing less of His bride than Her intent: to reveal the glory of God to all creation. This is my heart, and I'm recognizing that the dramatic line between love and rebellion is His Spirit. I’ve watched many with apostolic hearts fall to bitterness or pride; in our flesh, the enemy wants us to exert so much energy convincing others we are right that we disregard the diligence required to build on a good Foundation. As a result of His call on my life, I’ve embraced a minimalist lifestyle and been willing to leave friends and family to do the work He has called me to do. I share this as a grace -- God alone has given me a fondness for travel and exploration that allows me to endure a sometimes lonely existence.

While my loneliness is not a sin, employing it is a crutch or an excuse has been. If I love Jesus (and as an extension, His Bride) enough to offer everything I possess for His kingdom, this is for the sake of others and not myself. I cannot boast of my humble situation as an unwilling martyr, as if God is forcing me to make these sacrifices and those who have not are horrible Christians. Rather, I must remain joyfully obedient to whatever He asks of me, in grace and privilege that He would invite me at all, and call others according to the Word He has given us.

I struggle with this. When I face rejection on account of the call, my knee-jerk reaction is to flee to Tarshish like Jonah or refute the opportunity for a pure assembly like Elijah. The same heart that allows me to move to the center of God’s work with little discomfort permits me to run solo whenever it has been hurt or denied. Satan is so quick to convince me that I‘m a victim, because this drives a wedge between God’s will and His sovereignty. When things do not turn out as they should because of iniquity or disobedience, I forget that He redeems. I want to disqualify those who ignored His call because they disqualified me. Let me tell you, friends: whenever we take ministerial pain personally, subtly waiting is the open door to bitterness.

Again, here’s the Spirit-led line: God wants us to grieve His peoples' sin. The greatest rebuke He had against the Jewish priesthood was that they disregarded the corruption because physical needs were being met. That’s a direct correlation to where we are as an American church; most of us wouldn’t even argue that. But whereas my flesh is ready to strike the rock out of frustration like Moses, God would have me chasten the believers in my life and offer the opportunity for repentance. Will all repent? No. Allow Christ to separate them from the fold. Trust me, if you begin doing the things that Christ has asked of you in scripture and continue calling them to the same life, it won’t take long for the complacent to feel mighty uncomfortable in His presence. The complacent dwell wherever it is permitted.

In a perfect world, I would never have to ask anything of anyone -- everyone would minister according to their own gifts without lesson or frustration. I could leap into new works without the fear of rejection or ridiculously foolish justification of my “friends.” Step one for embracing my gift is accepting that Jesus knew my world wasn’t perfect before He called me. He’s bigger than my obstacles.