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This has lingered in my mind:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed -- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence -- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life -- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. (Phil. 2:1-18, emphasis added)

Another season has passed. I've decided to quit my job.

The part-time job on the horizon will pay half as much, and this mortgage isn't going away. But I have never in my life made a decision based on financial security, and now is not the time to start. I've exhibited wisdom and good stewardship with little in the past. I trust that if God would ask me to live on less, He's not about to abandon me now.

I'm understanding the struggle in my mini-bouts with despair. Whenever I begin to grasp the world for personal identity, God must ask it from me. He has not created me to occupy a place, work within a field, or perfect a particular skill. I will never be granted the luxury of finding hope in being a homeowner, a writer, a nice man, or a minister.

I was molded and formed to praise Him... to point to Him. I don't have the right to claim another identity. When I try, depression surely follows.

Consider the Man that gave up His own throne to fulfill the purpose of the Father. Consider the hate, the lashings, and the betrayal. Consider the washing of His disciples' feet. If the Son of God rejected rightful acclaim, who am I to chase an empty esteem?

It makes so much sense tonight. Everyone God has allowed me to "keep" have belonged to Him as well. I no more can harness a friend or lover from the vain pursuit of self-identity than I can force myself into that mold. My mother, brother, and sister are those that do His will. My future wife is one without worldly ambition or contentment. We are exalted and remembered for His sake alone, by his hand alone.

What are my selfish interests that compromise a pure and humble heart? Where have I yet to become less?