I am one of roughly thirty men and women currently on the clock at our residential facility. Everyone else is fulfilling their daily assignments; my relative capacity to stay calm (and be male) has me sitting three feet from a sleeping teenager, considered a potential danger. He'll be fine tonight, but my employers would have no reason to suspect that eight hours left to myself is prime opportunity for mind-racing. For I, Anthony Marks, give the casual impression of having it all together. Maybe you believed the same about me.
It's too quiet not to be lonely. I have to admit, one of the unexpected benefits of working overnight is not having to concern myself with going to bed in an otherwise empty apartment. When the rest of my day was filled with noise, it didn't bother me. On days like today, at this stage of my life, the silence is deafening.
Ten years ago, I was spending my summers with 300 4th-6th grade kids -- a constant source of company and approval. They are all approaching adulthood now; none of them are actively in my life. As careless as it is to rest our hearts in the hands of the innocent, we still try to convince ourselves that they will always be kids...until you wake up and they're not. Five years ago, I was being paid to take high school students to youth conferences, theme parks, and Florida. Working three jobs, my life was rarely interrupted by solitude. When I spent the next three years in Missouri, I cherished few things more than some nice silence.
Something has changed, whether by instinct or panic. I only experience longing in these moments -- longing for His presence and longing for someone with whom to share my quietness. I feel as if I have little left to offer besides my service to her; my charm, wit, and playful humor are dwindling by the day. I myself only need her encouragement and the comfort of her presence -- a muse to fuel my cooling passions and once lofty dreams. It would be refreshing to set aside the pressure of entertaining one another on superficial terms. It would be nice to be exactly who I am.
...An irony, since I want nothing more than to be free of me right now.
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