the strongest desire

Ten years ago, I earned my first dependency to caffeinated beverages. A woman from my church decided to open a coffeehouse, and spending the entire morning with high school girls set the perfect stage. During this season, a fellow frequenter and doctoral student delivered philosophical questions to the locals. One such inquiry elicited a lengthy discussion:

"Is it possible to respond contrary to your strongest desire?"

This of course led to individual discourses on sin nature and the boundaries of free will. All of these trailed to a problem with semantics -- if we can choose something else over our strongest desires, were they truly our strongest desires, or was the "something else" our strongest desire all along?

I deliberated over this question in considering the choice to love. I'll be honest: given my limited relationship experience, I find it difficult to give feet to this philosophy. If love is a choice, I have to accept that most humans do not have a clue how to give or receive. If love responds to the elusive laws of "chemistry," I'm dependent on the subjective whims of another. I do believe that God has established loving relationships through both avenues (according to His good grace), but could we presume that relationships are most easily sustained through a combination of both?

Trailing back to the original question...

I believe that our strongest motivations and desires are demonstrated not by word, but by action. For example, if I proclaimed some non-negotiable standards I hold for a wife: to love Christ and His church, to have a reformational heart for His people and a Spirit-filled eye and understanding for the lost, to serve meekly and with compassion, to follow according to the Godly favor she has found in her husband... to be attractive according the world's standards... our truest desires are made known when pursued regardless of any accompaniment by weaker desires. As a man, I could proclaim everything short of the superficial finish, but if I find myself more willing to compromise the former than the latter, my words are in vain. My strongest desire is exposed by the pursuit of my heart.

Yes, I lean towards the "choose to love" camp. I've felt the warm fuzzies and experienced mystical chemistry only to expose the idolatry of my heart. The question for myself and others like me is what we will choose to love. If our strongest desire is to know Christ and the spiritual mysteries of His truth, our actions will be dictated by this desire. We will choose to invest in relationships that draw us closer to His feet -- those that stir the portions of our heart most intimately in love with Him.

I can't tell you what yours should be; I cannot reveal mine, short of being put to the same test. A suitor or recipient often discovers as much about him/herself as they do their beloved. In the meantime, I must allow my heart to be open to His encouragement and rebuke, whichever may apply to the desires of my heart. My prayer must be as David's in Psalm 139:

Search me, God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.