I lied. I've lied on this blog and I've lied to my friends. The lie was not intentional nor extensive. However, upon recognizing areas in which I've misrepresented myself on account of our enemy, a compelling force drives me to reveal my Lord's disguised glory, even when that glory brings me great discomfort.
Touch.
Touch is the only physical element that provokes immediate anxiety and gratification... simultaneously.
Touch began with a text yesterday. A friend reminded me how poorly I hug. It's not the first time she's brought this to my attention; it will not be the last.
Touch trailed to the many conversations I've had with friends about love languages. I exercise love through my quality time and verbally covet the same in return. We're I to be emotionally honest with myself, touch is exponentially better. If for no greater reason than its foreign nature, touch shatters my heart into a million pieces.
I hate it. I love it.
I hate that touch transforms me into a malleable state of goo. I hate that touch is such a common component for everyone else that they cannot possibly understand why I refuse to take it lightly. I hate that I suck at hugging. I despise that you know it.
I love that I enjoy a simpler expression of touch. I love that an intentional pairing of dissimilar hands can keep me smiling for days. I love that I reserve touch for positions of cosmic importance.
Which doesn't matter a lick if you aren't aware. It may be just another kiss to you.
Consider it the ongoing parental issue that refuses to dissipate. I cannot give away my touch primitively, as to exalt the common companion above those who presumably love me most.
But I crave it... more than anything aside from the spiritual. Don't forget this and PLEASE do not abuse it.
Understand that my willingness to accept touch means more to me than it does to you. I require that you earn it. Should I refrain from shying away, you've earned my trust -- my acceptance does not indicate a natural response. It means that I welcome your varying demonstrations of love.
"Congratulations" or "I'm sorry"... whichever applies.
2 comments:
I'm not the only one...
I feel the same way, but couldn't put my feelings into words like you did. I crave touch, but I don't let anyone touch me. I rarely hug, or hold hands, and I don't do it well. I want to, but I don't. I hate it and I love it.
Thank you for explaining, now I know how to explain myself better.
I think the important thing is to communicate how special a thing it is to the one whom you are able to enjoy that level of affection. It will bless him greatly knowing he has gained that level of trust.
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