if i fall fast asleep, it's just because i feel so safe in you

I feel like I’m learning a little about women and God‘s heart for pursuit.

A little.

Each step forward leaves a reminder of how clueless I am. And still, I believe that discovering my misunderstandings about the opposite sex can serve as a catalyst for understanding the character of God. When the daily (and I mean DAILY) roller coaster of life casts doubt upon my discernment, I take refuge in His unchanging nature and trust that His commands hold precedence over life-acquired knowledge. I’ve learned that even in doing the right thing (by “right” I mean “obedient”), Satan is quick to disguise his opposition through justification, as if to say that disobedience would have turned out okay. Even if I cannot go back and undo the obedience, Satan would have me live in regret.

Regret over having missed out on sin… isn’t that twisted?

A friend of mine was once challenged about an inappropriate relationship with a girl under his authority. One of the disciplinary expectations was to cut off relations with her completely during the healing process. From my perspective, I thought it was pretty gracious that God stepped in before Satan had further opportunity. My friend had this to say behind closed doors:

Part of me wishes I had just had sex and she had become pregnant, then marriage would have been considered the honorable thing.

Regret. Satan was planting the seed. My friend so desperately wanted the comfort of a wife, that the enemy’s bargain sounded like a win-win. Ultimately, my friend would find the sin that he “lost.”

Again I’m reminded of the poignant excerpt in Prince Caspian where Lucy chooses to settle with her brother and sister along the wrong path, rather than going alone in obedience. During her first meeting with Aslan in the book, he questions her disobedience and Lucy considers whether she would've been okay following Him alone. In her heart she already knows the answer, so she asks Him how it could have worked out had she gone alone. Aslan’s reply:

To know what would have happened, child? No. Nobody is ever told that. But anyone can find out what will happen.

I find it telling that God doesn’t share the full consequence of our sin. We should consider this His grace. To know exactly what we missed in disobedience would probably shatter our hearts -- the known consequence of our sin can be awful enough. But God never deals consequence in such a way to leave a lingering regret or shame. Rather, we are asked to make the obedient choice in the future. This is how we know that regret -- whether in obedience or disobedience -- is based upon lies of our enemy.

*************************

Now for the good stuff.

I’ve been deeply moved by reading the book of Ruth the past couple weeks. The position of Boaz has captured my attention for the first time, and I can’t help but meditate on his honor and his pursuit. While I had initially read the book under the misguided assumption that Ruth was the sole aggressor (not true), I began longing for Boaz’s heart by the end of this study (i.e. God’s heart of pursuit). A number of noble characteristics spoke to my heart:

1. Boaz protected Ruth’s honor and blessed her, even when he had nothing to gain. (2:9)
2. Boaz was attracted to the kindness he saw in Ruth’s service towards Naomi. (2:11)
3. Boaz respected Ruth enough to provide for her without drawing attention to her need. (2:15-16)
4. Boaz was overjoyed and considered it a privilege to be chosen by a woman of honor and to serve her. (3:10-11)
5. Boaz deferred to the Lord’s will rather than taking what was made available to him. (3:12-13)
6. Boaz honored Ruth‘s unconventional approach and trust (and spoke of the purity of their hearts) by allowing her to rest at his feet, yet still valued her reputation among his people. (3:13-14)
7. Boaz made his intentions known and handled the matter quickly. (3:13,18; 4:1-2)
8. Whereas the other kinsman was interested in Elimelech’s estate, Boaz was blessed to receive the treasure that God had laid on his heart. (4:4-10)

How rare is the man in this age that pursues with joy and verbalized motive, yet honors his beloved enough to defer to the Lord’s wisdom and purity? I want this so much! (Pray this for me.) Even as God has entrusted beautiful hearts under my protection, I am reminded how far I must come to place selfishness behind me. Grading on a curve, I may present myself as one of honor, but I don’t want it to be said that “Anthony was a good man.” I want it to be said that “Anthony was God’s man.”

The beauty of the marriage covenant is in the parallel between Christ and the bridegroom, and I long to honor my wife (and for now, the potential wives of others) in a manner consistent with the glory woman is intended to reveal. I cannot take that which isn’t mine or harbor envy for a woman that has not responded to my pursuit. It doesn’t make me any less responsible to pursue -- my desire is to be obedient to anyone the Lord places under my care and protection. The building of my faith and preparation as a man come in awaiting the privilege: the moment she [the undetermined] accepts that I’m honorable and trustworthy enough to lead her in ministry for Christ. I will continue to honor and bless her with purity and kindness until such a time would occur.