Dearest Beloved,
I miss you, and I think about you every day. Yes, most of it is remembering when times were good between us -- daily sharing our hopes and dreams. When I think about those days, I almost want to crawl back to where we were; I know that I cannot. It goes to show, it doesn't matter how much we desire in common, method can bring us to an insurmountable impasse.
I thought we'd grow old together. The initial rush of excitement had me wondering outside of my own capacities; I thought we'd accomplish anything together. I shamefully confess, I believe that there were moments when I loved you more than God. Perhaps I should have heeded this warning, but as with any self-made idol, I was more afraid to lose you.
And in my youth, I would have continued to make this compromise. I would have turned a blind eye, defending my relationship with you to the death, letting all outsiders know that it is not what it seems. But somewhere amidst this tangle, I lost my fear to acknowledge the truth. While my sight caused great pain, it was the only way to know where restoration needed to occur.
I spoke in love and with concern; my intent was never arrogant. I have never considered myself more righteous, merely a willing subject to a humbling truth. And the truth is, we have settled for less than we have been offered. We have allowed the fear of common man to guard us against the deepest longing of our heart. We no longer operate out of the desperation of purpose, but out of the narrowness of our own strength. For the first time, I am willing to admit that I am too weak to accomplish anything.
Your despise grew rapidly, but I think I understand. In my weakness, I want to know everything under the sun as weak, and I want everything under the sun to know itself as weak, for He has been my only strength. And this is not a title that is owned or worn proudly. If you did not resist weakness, we could be weak together. Instead, I am a constant reminder of your lack of strength -- of your dependence...I haphazardly remind you of your pain.
Our distance does not douse my love for you; it undoubtedly never will. Long ago, I walked away cold and bitter, and now I only wait. I wait and pray, because you are the only facility that God has given me to demonstrate His love; you and I together were to be a beacon of His glory and a testimony of His grace.
This is now in His hands, and I will not nag. I am through with hollow words or guilt trips. I must go about seeking His will. It hurts me to consider this. I thirst for your approval more than water, but I have no right or precedent to expect it, nor can it guide my actions.
You know where to find me, should you be moved. Otherwise, these are my final two words for you:
Love always,
ANTHONY
(Formerly a reformer of His Church)
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