#10 - Friday, June 12, 1992

For some of us, the process of growing up is gradual. As circumstances shift, these individuals float from moment to moment, having little reason to contemplate what changed between Point A and Point B.

As for me, my spurts are drastic, erratic, and awkward.

Three days before, I had never ridden a roller coaster, had never been to "The Cell," had never crushed on a girl, and had never been to a real beach. As our tour camp traveled through Chicagoland, we stopped at Great America, and I lost my voice riding the Batman. I attended a White Sox game and innocently went to the concession area to buy a hat. When I returned, the hat marking my seat was being worn by an unfamiliar girl.

At the end of the week, my 4'7", 80 pound self was walking along the Lake Michigan shore with three friends and four girls from our neighboring school: eight thirteen-year-olds without a care in the world. The sun and sand were blazing, and I remember being surprised by the crispness of the water. We played cards atop a large dune we had climbed, before barrel-rolling over a hundred feet to the lakefront.

At the specified time, we gathered in a picnic area for our chapel service. Being the last chapel of the week, it wasn't uncommon for the camp director to present a message on repentance and salvation. Today, I understand that this is the way a ministry "counts" its success, but I also recognize that the Spirit will use whatever means necessary to speak to His children. Our director began by reciting this familiar passage:

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm -- neither hot nor cold -- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me the gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so that you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. (Revelation 3:15-18)

As a kid growing up in the church, I took the first hard look at myself, and I didn’t like the reflection. My mouth continually spewed obscenities and hatred -- my actions spoke little of my claim to Christianity. I knew that I couldn’t reconcile the two lifestyles. My sin drove a wedge between myself and Christ, and I had to decide which life I would live.

Returning home, I was left to myself as my brother trained for football. Indiana had a wonderfully cool summer that year. I woke up early each morning, riding my bike across the road towards the lake, enjoying the quietness of the outdoors. A few of my younger neighbors spent time with me as well, looking up to my “life experience” like little brothers. Looking back today, it's kind of funny to consider: I had never spent time with younger kids. Having been the youngest kid on the block for years, I relished my first summer without my brother's peers.

Many seasons passed before God revealed the lingering decision -- the call to die was the elephant in the room. During my time of waiting, God showed me what the world had to offer, how unsatisfying it was, and how He would redeem me from my blindness.

ten days

As another year nears its finish, I figured I would take the opportunity to recall the places in which God has led me: through faith, friendship, romance, and heartache. Beginning this evening, I will be sharing the ten most memorable days of my life -- in chronological order -- from my awkward adolescence to the present day. Ideally, this will offer the online community a context for the man I've become and the words that I write. If not, I hope you enjoy the stories :)

preparation

The following has always been one of my favorite passages of scripture. In combing through these words recently, I've been privileged to understand them in the context of relationships and our responsibility as a Church in promoting purity.

You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance.

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:1-8, emphasis added)

Church, I regret having to say this, but we've done a poor job with this.

When I share my testimony, I jokingly describe myself as a "recovering youth minister." This is misleading in the sense that I have a great heart for young people, but true considering my philosophical overhaul. Whereas my ministry once centered around providing a safe, comfortable place for teenagers to be teenagers, I've since realized that I did them no favors by encouraging their immaturity. One of the American church's primary objectives is to provide an age-appropriate Christian education to its young people.

At its best, this objective provides scriptural lessons within an environment familiar to each demographic. By offering a close alternative to their daily social and academic setting, we attempt to make teens comfortable without the temptations found on the outside. Since pop-culture teaches that pleasure is good, responsibility is lame, and parents are clueless and selfish, the church utilizes its two to four open hours to convince young people otherwise -- presenting this message comically, painlessly, and absent from their parents -- preferably from some dude dressed ten years younger than his age. Hmm...

Our best hope is that these teens graduate with a large enough toolbox to resist the lies of the big, bad world, so that they will become responsible, selfless adults that know the difference between a pleasure God allows and one He does not.

And we wonder why we're losing them.

I revisited the Titus passage shortly after contemplating how poorly young people are prepared for marriage. Paul seems to identify every characteristic that is missing as a result of our disregard for discipleship. He instructs older men and women to train and set an example for how young people are to live. Purity was never designed to be an adherence to a list of don'ts. Purity begins when the mature believer invests his or her life in a young believer. We're not instructed to send teens to youth group or offer age-appropriate material. We are asked to disciple them into a life of holiness, which begins with our own pursuit.

Looking back at my own teenage years, I cannot count the number of abstinence and purity messages I heard from a pulpit. I was continually encouraged to "live out my faith" rather than own my salvation in complacency. You know what I never once received? Someone to show me how. I spent every Wednesday and Sunday with other youth, as we tried to encourage one another in how we could reach the world for Christ. We had passion, and we had motivation. We never had a model.

Sure, some of us can look back fondly at our pastors and youth pastors, eternally grateful for the conviction through which they shared God's word. Some of us had wonderful relationships with ministers that personally made the decision to invest in our lives. Not surprisingly, these are the teens that grow up to become youth leaders themselves. But is the retention rate supporting the structure? Are we raising up mature, firm-footed, self-controlled adults?

This isn't the job for a handful of young-hearted people in each church body. We all hold the responsibility to engage in discipleship, and we do so by first submitting to the process ourselves. For both men and women, elders are instructed to first live in purity, so that they are capable and willing to give their lives to young people. If we would teach and show boys and girls how to pursue intimacy with Christ, how to live a life of holiness, how to become respectable and submissive husbands and wives, how to attain maturity and self-control, how to...we could trust young people to lead the next generation and advance His Kingdom beyond our expectations! But none of us get a pass from the Great Commission, no matter how great our pastor or youth minister may be.

You think Jesus may have already instructed us how to fix our problem?

a thought while preparing for work

When I couple my beanie and glasses with a single-tone, green t-shirt, I look like a Ninja Turtle.

[You're jealous.]

i need a hug

Strange indeed.

I feel emotionally drained. After a weekend of runaway kids, crazy moms, road rage, paperwork, phone calls, constant drizzle, and "small favors," it's entirely too quiet returning to this house. I should relish the idea of some time with God to de-stress, and yet I admittedly covet a human to be waiting for me. I don't understand. I spent ten years living independently, with very few concerns about living alone. Unless I spent time around loving couples, I poured my life into disciples and ministry with little distraction.

I have no idea what has awakened this deluge. Honestly, I'd like it to stop.

Is it wrong to miss the days when I didn't consider my own needs? It doesn't equate in my head: I received more intimacy with God than ever before through the opening of my heart -- now, that heart is the very thing that has me feeling selfish, as if unveiling myself has renewed some childish longing that cannot be nurtured. I don't know that I have the capacity to simultaneously long for God and long for a family. I may be too old to understand how they operate together. My old life was functional and satisfied, but the truer expressions of my heart are a mess.

Whatever stirred when I was considered a suitable man for marriage needs to be silenced again, because I'm lost for a solution. How do I look husbandry and fatherhood in the face, and forget it ever occurred? I feel like an idiot for chasing the illusion -- life was good. I worked nights and didn't mind, I ministered to my body without considering myself, and my greatest concern was cleaning the snow off my car. Did I notice as Satan sowed this weed, or is my current longing an act of God? I can't tell anymore.

I once trusted my discernment, and the Spirit affirmed this trust. He spoke to me in ways that were useful to the lives of others. In not asking anything for myself, He offered me wisdom and insight beyond my years and experience. I never had to doubt that my words were His words.

Today, I'm void of spiritual confidence. I feel drawn to prayer, but I constantly question my motivation. Has He called me to intercede, or am I looking for friendship? Have I been given the burden of spiritual insight, or am I drawing false conclusions based on fleshly knowledge? Whereas I previously spoke to my friends with conviction and clarity, Satan is bombarding me with questions regarding my purity, and whether I wouldn't rather find a wife than speak the truth.

It comes back to feeling spiritually unprotected. It seems like open season, and I can't help but wonder if someone has neglected a commitment they made with God to have my back. I know it makes some people uncomfortable when they realize I'm not actually a superhero -- some friends depend on this -- but I need a covering. I need someone who will fight in battle for the clarity and truth of my mind and heart. I need it more than that hug.

i feel everything

Father, if she needs a strong man, why did you make me so sensitive?

on His sovereignty

The English word "sovereign" is used over 200 times in the NIV translation of the book of Ezekiel, describing Adonay Yehovah. Literally, the Hebrew phrase can be transcribed as "God of gods" or "God of men" -- traditionally, this name describes Him as Ruler over all things.

As a characteristic of a ruler or master, Merriam-Webster defines "sovereign" in this way:

• a. possessed of supreme power
• b. unlimited in extent: ABSOLUTE
• c. enjoying autonomy: INDEPENDENT

We are generally comfortable with the first two as Christians. The third, however, messes with our sense of importance to the grand scheme.

In conversation with Michael last evening, it was revealed how often we attribute the conditions of our life to our favor before God -- i.e. when things do not seem to be going according to plan, we feel we are somehow at blame. The dangerous temptation here is to begin responding to our perception of guilt: working in our flesh to attain perfection, finding an alternate path to "complete" His plan, or seeking an exit from uncomfortable situations through worldly means.

Of course, Satan understands that these actions gum up the works, so to speak. We tend to buy the lie that these mistakes have forever ruined God's plan: within our own lives and in the big picture. If our enemy can reinforce this lie within us, thus constructing a faulty perception of God, we are led to two end results:

• 1. We work harder to place God's plan back on track.
• 2. We give up completely.

The beauty of God's sovereignty is that it is not dependent on any of us. If God wills something to happen, it will happen. He is the supreme ruler over all things -- all creation, including the spirits of darkness, are subject to His hand. We can beat ourselves up for missing an opportunity to serve our Father, but ultimately, we are not given the authority or responsibility of fulfilling His will. We are given the wonderful privilege of partaking in His plan, and He calls us to obedience for the sake of our own well-being and for the glory that is manifested through the Christ-like vessel. But we should not believe that our failures are God's failures. Even if we choose to give up completely, He will find another body to accomplish His work.

So where does His sovereignty leave us? We have been given a place of privilege -- an honor He joyfully gives His sons and daughters.

Last night, I asked if it was God's desire or doing for Jacob to deceive his father and brother, or to produce the twelve tribes through four different women. Jacob certainly faced a number of trials as a result of these actions. We must recognize that in His sovereignty, just because things turn out according to His will does not mean that our process was righteous. The truth is, God had already determined that Jacob would receive the blessing, and the tribes would be his inheritance. That Jacob sinned is irrelevant to the big picture.

Rather, God would have us respond in obedience for the sake of our intimacy and the fulfillment of His Glory, not because His will depends on it. I would much rather know that my life was a pleasing offering than for God to proclaim, "Okay, I can still work with this." It is only my own life, and my relationship with Him, that suffers when I live in disobedience. His plan will be fine; this much is certain. But why shouldn't I desire to humbly place myself in service to the King?

I've mentioned this before, but Michael once told me that humility is understanding both sides of our relationship to God. First, we are small potatoes in God's scheme for redemption and glory. But second, we are the living manifestation of His Glory here on earth. An imbalance in this truth always leads to sin. If we forget that His plan is independent of our actions, then pride is around the corner. If we fail to acknowledge ourselves as children of Light, the death of our flesh serves no purpose. We must accurately live according to our humility and His sovereignty to take part in the life of Christ (Phil. 2). Allow Him to lift you up according to His good will.

"...Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave -- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:26-28)